Jewish Reporter Asks Trump If He Plans To Put Menorah In the White House; Trump Tells Him ‘F*** The Jews’

Posted on November 28, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

After lavish Christmas decorations and beautiful, “snow” covered trees were unveiled in the White House, many reporters and photographers were taken aback, and caught up in a Christmas spirit that many say was missing from the White House over the last several years.

But one reporter, who happens to be Jewish, wasn’t as impressed. Silas Jones, 30, of the New York Beat Entertainment magazine was reporting on the White House Christmas unveiling, and asked President Trump if they planned to add a menorah to the White House decorations in a couple of weeks when Chanukah starts.

“Fuck the Jews, no way am I putting up a menorah,” said Trump. “Everyone knows that the Jews are a dirty, disgusting people. And plus, they killed Jesus, and I can’t even stomach the idea of putting Jewey things next to these beautiful Christmas trees that my wife spent hours working to get up. No, there won’t be any Jew stuff here in the White House.”

Although this is the kind of comment that would normally bring outrage from the Left and from civil liberties groups such as the ACLU, Trump’s comments like this come so often that no one was even that offended.

“Totally expected,” said Jones. “I honestly only asked to get a rise, and he gave exactly what I wanted. He’s such an assclown.”

Best Buy Posts Record-High Deaths During Black Friday Sales; ‘Best We’ve Ever Done’ Says CEO

Posted on November 24, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DELUTH, Mississippi –

Best Buy Inc., the nation’s largest electronics retailer that hasn’t yet succumbed to Amazon, posted record high deaths during their annual Black Friday sales this morning. CEO Mark Chambers noted that in all of the company’s 1200 stores, there was at least one death, with several stores having multiple people die during the event.

“The Austin, Texas store, which came in last place in 2016 with only 1 death, skyrocketed to first place this year,” said Chambers. “Store 2118 right in downtown Austin had a staggering 23 deaths this year, and we couldn’t be more proud. They had 13 people trampled, 6 were shot, 3 had heart attacks, and 1 was stabbed in the neck for the last blu-ray copy of Wonder Woman. It is truly an amazing feat.”

Walmart also posted high numbers of deaths and injuries this year, although they were down from 2016, where the company saw 1,884 deaths, including 28 employees.

“Employee death is something we have yet to achieve, but we think we’ll get there,” said Chambers. “Walmart really knows how to get things done. We’re learning a lot from them.”

HIV Needles Are Being Placed on Gas Pump Handles – Over 40 People Already Infected

Posted on November 23, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

JACKSONVILLE, Florida –

Captain Abraham Sands of the Jacksonville, Florida Police Department released a statement cautioning people about a new, dangerous event that has been happening throughout the state.

“I have been asked by state and local authorities to write this email in order to get the word out to car drivers of a very dangerous prank that is occurring in numerous states,” said Sands. “Some person or persons have been affixing hypodermic needles to the underside of gas pump handles. These needles appear to be infected with HIV positive blood. In the Jacksonville area alone there have been 17 cases of people being stuck by these needles over the past five months. We have verified reports of at least 12 others in various states around the country.”

It is believed that these may be copycat incidents, as this crime has happened in the past, and was a popular “prank” in the early 1990s. At this point no one has been arrested, and police say catching the perpetrator or perpetrators has become a top priority.

“Shockingly, of the 17 people who where stuck, eight have tested HIV positive and because of the nature of the disease, the others could test positive in a couple years, according to physicians,” said Sands. “If you do find a needle affixed to one, immediately contact your local police department so they can collect the evidence. It is IMPERATIVE that you check the handle of the pump before you grab it. It could save your life.”

BREAKING: President Trump Hospitalized After Eating a Piece of Poisoned Halloween Candy

Posted on October 31, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Trump has reportedly been rushed to the emergency room after becoming extremely ill and vomiting after eating a piece of Halloween candy. White House officials and police are remaining tight-lipped, but an anonymous staffer has confirmed that authorities believe the candy was poisoned.

“Trump decided that he wanted to dress up and trick-or-treat through the White House, and so every person on staff was required to stand in a doorway with a bowl of candy, and wait for President Trump to come and collect some,” said the staffer. “We do not know from which person or room the tainted candy may have come, but police are investigating.”

At this time, there is no further word on the President’s condition. This is the first known case of a poisoning perpetrated on Halloween of a President.

Trump Sues Couple Who Name Their Son In His Honor

Posted on October 30, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOISE, Idaho –

Marissa and Alex Murphy of Idaho say they have been Donald Trump supporters “since the beginning,” and are adamant that he will help to Make America Great Again. They are such strong fans that they named their newborn son in his honor: Donald Trump Murphy. But the naming has apparently caused them a great deal of issues, as President Trump has reportedly filed a lawsuit against the couple.

“Donald Trump is suing us for breach of copyright and trademark,” said Marissa, 30. “We named our son Donald because we love President Trump. This was supposed to be something beautiful, but we are so distressed. It would cost us a lot to have his name changed at this point, but President Trump is suing us anyway, saying that no one else can be named Donald Trump. He apparently has a copyright on his own name.”

President Trump could not be reached for comment, but a spokesman from the White House did admit there was a lawsuit pending. The amount is undisclosed, but the Murphys say it is for $3 million.

President Trump Pardons Himself For Years of Sexual Assaults and Abuse

Posted on October 24, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Trump pardoned himself this morning for what he says are years of “alleged” sexual assault accusations, as well as rumblings of abuse. Despite the President not being formally charged with any crimes, many women have accused him of sexual misconduct over the years, all of which he has denied.

“In the wake of my good friend, Mister Harvey Weinstein, being viciously attacked by the media over abuse charges, I felt it was time to act in advance of any legal or civil charges being lobbied my way,” said President Trump. “Although I adamantly deny that I have ever been sexually inappropriate with any woman, especially the ugly ones who always accuse me of doing so, I have fully pardoned myself of any and all crimes and charges.”

While it was pointed out to the president that he could neither pardon himself, nor could he pre-pardon someone for crimes they have not been charged with, Trump remained steadfast in his decision that he had been fully pardoned.

Harvey Weinstein Put Into Witness Protection After Reportedly Ratting on Sex Offenders, Pedophiles to FBI

Posted on October 22, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Former Hollywood producer and mogul Harvey Weinstein was recently fired from his position as CEO of The Weinstein Company after several woman accused of him of sexual assault, with more coming forward, documenting decades of abuse. After he was also kicked out of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, Weinstein reportedly approached the FBI with a deal to list big Hollywood names of others who he knew for certain to be sex offenders or pedophiles.

“Mr. Weinstein has given us well over 500 names, and many of them are quite shocking,” said FBI director Martin Roberts. “When we eventually move from investigation to arrests, many people will be extremely shocked and surprised at the people we take in. These are the creme de la creme of Hollywood elite, many of them are huge A-list stars.”

There has long been talk of a secret ring of sex offenders and pedophilia that was rampant in Hollywood, but Harvey Weinstein’s downfall was just “the tip of the iceberg” according to Roberts.

“We have since worked out a deal with Weinstein, the details of which are not up for discussion at this time,” said Roberts. “He has, though, been moved in to witness protection, as many of the people he named had far-reaching power, and we are uncertain of his safety at this time.”

Major Hollywood Actress Comes Forward With Shocking Revelation: ‘I’ve Never Been Raped’

Posted on October 16, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

A Hollywood actress recently gave an interview with People Magazine, and made a startling revelation about her time in Tinsel Town.

“I’ve never been raped, not even a little bit,” said the actress, who for now is keeping her identity a secret in fear that her story could cause her to miss out on roles. “I’ve worked with almost every major producer in town, at every studio, and not a single one has ever even tried to touch me, or show me their genitals, or even made a slight pass.”

Many actresses are stepping up recently, with accusations against major Hollywood players, including Harvey Weinstein, former head of The Weinstein Company, who has since been fired and even release from The Academy over accusations of sexual assault.

“I’ve worked with Harvey, and he was fine with me, but I definitely believe what these other women are saying,” said the actress. “You have to understand that Hollywood is a machine of pure sex. People use it to make or break their careers, and that’s not even getting into how deep it can go when we’re talking about child actors, and pedophilia.”

The news comes as a major shock that an actress, who did reveal that she is an Oscar winner and has worked in Hollywood for more than two decades, has never been assaulted.

“Frankly, I’m surprised to find that any woman hasn’t been raped in Hollywood, so it’s definitely a surprise,” said a top film producer who wished to remain anonymous. “I mean, I’ve worked with a lot of women over the years, and I’ve definitely at least gave them a quick grope or flashed myself, or sent a dick pic. So it’s really kind of crazy to find out there’s one that we haven’t gotten to yet.”

Trump Tweets His Support for Federal Legalization of Marijuana

Posted on September 29, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Trump recently admitted to “hitting the bong” in a brave tweet, in which he called for legalization of marijuana at the federal level. The President said that he was wrong, and it seems things may be changing. Trump tweeted earlier today:

“Now that I have actually tried hitting the bong, I realize I was wrong. Marijuana should DEFINITELY be legal at the federal level. So dank.”

There was no further word on whether President Trump planned to make changes to the laws banning marijuana, but pot smokers everywhere are rejoicing.

“Oh man, that’s dope as hell,” said stoner Derek Paul after reading the tweet from the President. “I hated this dude, but if he’s gonna be hit the bowl, too, and gonna make the shit legal, then I respect the hell out of him. That’s awesome.”

Trump did not mention the tweet in a press conference that was held only hours later, although several times he was asked to elaborate on “hitting the bong” by journalists.

Louisville Coach Rick Pitino Just Used His Contract Buyout To Purchase The Playboy Mansion

Posted on September 28, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –

Louisville coach Rick Pitino, one of the winningest coaches in NCAA history who has won 770 games and two national championships and made seven Final Four appearances while also weathering multiple scandals, was put on unpaid leave Wednesday, after he was accused of secretly partnering with Adidas to funnel nearly $100,000 to the family of an elite prospect.

In response, Pitino asked for his release, which would entail a full contract buyout, ringing it at over $40 million dollars. His first purchase? The Playboy Mansion.

“I’ve wanted to buy the mansion for as long as I can remember, that grotto is a dream,” said Pitino. “Hugh Hefner was a legend, and a personal idol. He was smart, business savvy, and could – and did – have every girl he ever wanted. His death is tragic, but thankfully, his death has granted me my ultimate wish…to become the new owner of his Playboy Mansion.”

In 2015, a self-proclaimed escort named Katina Powell claimed in a tell-all book that she had been part of over 20 parties set up by the school for basketball players. The parties would bring in prostitutes to engage in sex acts with recruits to entice them to attend the college. At the time, Pitino had said he had “no knowledge” of the parties, but his most recent purchase may indicate otherwise, at least in the eyes of detractors.

“No, I definitely didn’t know of any sex parties at the school, or for players,” said Pitino. “All I know is what I heard afterwards. I wasn’t even invited, which is a total drag. I will tell you that I know of a lot of upcoming sex parties, you can bet on that. I won’t say when, but everyone absolutely knows where.”

Pitino has been the head coach in Louisville for almost 2 decades, but says that being put on leave might be the best thing that ever happened to him.

“I was upset at first, but in retrospect, sports aren’t forever. They’re not tangible, they’re nothing. They’re just in the now,” said Pitino. “You know what’s forever? The Playboy Mansion. That’s forever. It’s legendary. I can’t wait to move in and try it out…if you know what I mean.”

The sale is expected to go through within the next few weeks, as soon as Pitino’s contract payment is processed.