Twitter To Raise Character Limit To 150 So President Trump Has More Words Available To Complain

Posted on April 29, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Twitter announced today that they would be upping their character limit to 150 from 140, with specific regard to President Trump’s Twitter account, saying that he deserves “a few more words” to be able to bitch properly.

“Trump’s spelling is bad enough, so we don’t want to hinder his abilities any further by making him type in short-hand or in some sort of ‘code,'” said Twitter CEO Mark Brewer. “So we have decided to extend our character limit to 150, which will hopefully give Trump all the room he needs to praise FOX News, complain about CNN, or sexually harass a woman or make a pass at his daughter…really, the field is wide open now.”

Many are calling for a total shutdown of Trump’s account by Twitter, but the company says that his feed is one of the most followed on the site, and “always good for a laugh.”

BREAKING: Trump Impeachment Proceedings Beginning May 1

Posted on April 28, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

Trump1

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The liberal left has been asking for his head on a stick, and it’s seeming like they might get it – Donald Trump’s impeachment proceedings officially begin on Monday, May 1st.

“This is an amazing day, I cannot wait for his impeachment to happen,” said Mary Lambert, a staunch Democrat. “Trump is a disgrace, and him being impeached and kicked out of office is the best thing that can happen.”

Lambert, who teaches History to middle-school children, was confused when told that “impeachment” doesn’t mean being kicked out of office, but rather, is just another name for an indictment of an official who holds office.

“What? No. When a President is impeached, it means they are kicked out. That’s why Nixon resigned – he was going to be impeached, so he skipped out on it first,” said Lambert.

“That seems to be a common misconception among idiots,” said political advisor Joel Murray. “Impeachment doesn’t mean anything. Impeachment is just being indicted; they show up in court, basically. They still have to be found guilty, but being impeached doesn’t mean they will. Trump won’t – he hasn’t done anything worth being removed from office. I don’t understand why people are so stupid. These are adults. Don’t they remember that Bill Clinton was impeached?”

Despite the confusion about the definition of the term, Trump’s impeachment is still set to begin in just a few days, with many thinking this could be the beginning of the end.

Trump Becomes First Person To Admit Their Favorite Band is Nickelback

Posted on April 26, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

trumpback

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

During an impromptu press conference at the White House, President Trump answered questions about his first 100 days in office, and also briefly joked with reporters about some of his favorite things about living in Washington D.C.

“The White House has an incredible sound system,” said Trump. “My favorite band has always been Nickelback, because I am a Leader of Men, and because their song How You Remind Me is a triumph of modern rock. Now that I live in the White House, I crank them through the building’s awesome surround sound. I can walk from room to room, and just keep listening. It’s amazing.”

For years, the Canadian rock act has been the butt of internet jokes, with most people referring to them as the worst band of all time, despite being one of the biggest selling music acts in history, and regularly selling out arenas around the world.

President Trump is the first person to ever admit publicly that they are a favorite band.

President Trump Plans To ‘Bring Back’ Slavery, Owning of People as Property

Posted on April 18, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a move that probably surprises no one, President Trump has signed an executive order that will allow white people to buy, sell, and trade minorities, as well as use them as non-paid workers.

“This is a game changer for our country, and for the economy,” said Trump. “If we can get all the Mexicans and the blacks and the chinks or whatever they call them now, and round them up, and have them work for free for white business owners, then those whites can afford to pay their white employees more, which will drastically improve the economy. It’s a win-win.”

Trump says that there are provisions that will help make sure that the minorities are still “taken care of,” their compensation will just not be monetary.

“They will have free room and board, and are to be provided at least one hot and one cold meal per day,” said Trump. “That is far better than the slave-trade of our fathers and grandfathers, when there were no regulations. They will also be prohibited from working more than 20 hours in a single day.”

The order is naturally being challenged by the ACLU and other civil-rights groups, but most Republicans say they are “all for it,” and are “excited” about the change.

President Trump To Move White House to Las Vegas

Posted on March 30, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Donald Trump has made plans to officially move the White House from Washington, D.C. to Las Vegas, where he owns property and says that the taxes are “much more manageable.”

“Moving the White House to Las Vegas will save tax payers an estimated $20 million a year, as the land values are much lower in the desert,” said Trump. “I am working with the best planners, the best men out there, to move the White House safely and securely.”

There is no word on whether Las Vegas will become our nation’s capital after the White House is relocated, but Trump did say that he wouldn’t personally have any problem with that.

“There’s a lot of money in Las Vegas, and a lot of beautiful women. We’d be lucky to have Las Vegas be our nation’s capital. It’s a beautiful, fun, fast-paced city, and everyone who goes there loves it. I love it. I own plenty of property there. It’s great. Plus, what happens there stays there, so we could get away with a lot more there than we could here in D.C.”

Hackers Plan To Release Donald Trump Sex Tape – But It’s Not Melania In The Video With Him!

Posted on March 30, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

After a slew of celebrity devices were hacked, a group of anonymous individuals have begun leaking nude images and sex tapes recorded by the celebrity victims. The latest seems to be President Donald Trump himself, as the group of hackers claims they have a sex tape that was taken “very recently,” but does not feature Trump’s wife Melania.

“We have procured a very salacious, very non-sexy video,” posted an anonymous hacker on the forum Reddit. “I’ve seen the video myself. I wish I hadn’t, but I have. And the person in the video is definitely Trump, and the other person is decidedly NOT Melania.”

According to the post, which included screenshots that we are not able to re-post here, the group would be releasing the full video if Trump did not step down from the Presidency. Although most would assume that he would never do that just to save face, the poster seems to think that the video is definitely something that will “get Trump thinking.”

“President Trump will know exactly what video we have if we mention the words ‘donkey’ and ‘whips,'” said the post. “We do not think that Trump, nor the man in the video with him, would want this information going public. Whoops, guess I slipped up there…”

Sean Spicer Contracts Bird Flu From Bad Kentucky Fried Chicken

Posted on March 29, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer was hospitalized after he contracted what he said was “bird flu” from eating a bucket of KFC chicken that had spoiled.

According to his doctor, Spicer merely had a case of the trots after ingesting day-old chicken, but the Press Secretary is “positive” that it is Bird Flu.

“I ate bad chicken, which is a bird. Everyone knows that chickens are birds,” said Spicer from his hospital bed. “When you eat bad birds, you get bird flu. I don’t know why that is so hard for these doctors to understand.”

Spicer says that he has contracted bird flu several times in his life, and that his mom was always the best at making him feel better when he was a boy.

“Mom would make me a hot broth and I’d eat that with crackers, and then I’d lay down and I felt better,” said Spicer. “It has happened several times, but not in many years. Mom also helped me after I contracted mad cow disease after I ate spoiled hamburger one time. My mom is a phenomenal woman.”

President Trump Plans 2-Month Vacation To Bahamas After ‘Stressful’ First Quarter

Posted on March 27, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Trump announced this morning that he would be taking a 2-month vacation beginning April 1st, returning to Washington in June, after a “stressful” first quarter of 2017.

“There are a lot of things that have come across my desk, and it’s been overwhelming,” said Trump. “I think that it will be a good time to take a break, and let things really setting in my head so I can continue Making America Great Again.”

Trump owns a home in the Bahamas, but will be renting a massive villa instead of using the home he owns.

“I want to see new parts of the area, and so I will be renting some property for the two months I’m gone. This will only put a minor burden on tax payers, as it will fall under Presidential Service.”

President Trump will be bringing his wife and son Barron, as well as 13 members of the Secret Service.

President Trump Signs Executive Order H11, Repeals 19th Amendment So Women Can’t Vote

Posted on March 18, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

After what President Trump says was an election that was “too close” for his comfort, he has said that his latest executive order, H11, will repeal the 19th amendment, making it so women can no longer vote.

“The reason that we almost had Hillary Clinton as our President is because of women,” said Trump. “Look, I respect women. I do. No one respects women more than me, but the truth is, women are dumb, and they make dumb decisions. They don’t know who to vote for, obviously, and so it’s time we took away that right.”

Trump went on to say that he hopes to eventually also remove the vote from African-Americans and ‘dirty Chinamen.’

“The fact of the matter is, this country had its greatest leaders when the only people who could vote were old, white, landowners. Real men who had real decision making skills,” said Trump. “Today, people would rather scroll through their Facebook feed and post pictures of their dinner on Instagram than actually make a conscious effort to learn anything. Especially minorities. They’re the worst.”

The ACLU has, naturally, filed a motion to dismiss the order as “fucking stupid.”

Obama Plans To Run For President Again in 2020 After Lawyers Dig Up Legal Loophole

Posted on March 18, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

obama arrested

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Former president Barack Obama has announced that he will be seeking to the White House once more in 2020, after a massive team of lawyers hired by Obama have dug up a legal loophole that will allow him to serve more than 2 terms.

“It was a lot of work, and I’ve had this team of over 40 lawyers working on this for 3 years,” said Obama. “I knew that they would eventually be able to find a way to get me back in, and we have found one. I am now eligible to run for a third term, possibly more if I am re-elected, and I can save this country from what is a whirlwind downfall with Trump in office.”

Obama did not elaborate on how he was able to run for a third term, except to say that it was a “complicated matter” that has been confirmed by “the best lawyers in the world.”

President Trump has not commented publicly on Obama’s plans, but the commander-in-chief did say that he will beat “anyone” who runs against him in 2020, no matter who it is.