Sprint Looks To Buy T-Mobile; Plans To Completely Dissolve Company

Posted on June 5, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

OVERLAND PARK, Kansas –

Negotiations have begun for Sprint, the third largest wireless company in the US, to purchase T-Mobile, the fourth largest wireless company, from their parent Deutsche Telekom. The merger is reported to be worth approximately $32 billion, with part being paid in cash and part in stock, a typical option for deals of this size.

Assuming that the FCC approves the deal, Sprint has stated that their plans for T-Mobile would be to phase it out completely, while converting their customers into the Sprint family. The T-Mobile network, which runs on the much faster GSM technology would remain intact, with Sprint converting their handsets to take advantage of the higher speeds necessary for such a large subscriber base and congested network. Combined, Sprint and T-Mobile would have nearly 100 million customers.

“We feel very strongly that there is absolutely no need for T-Mobile to continue on as a company once our purchase is cleared.” Said Dan Hesse, chairman of Sprint Corp. US. “They’ve done some great things for the wireless world in the last year or two, but it’s nothing that we can’t continue without them. If this merger happens, it will definitely be the end for T-Mobile.”

The news that T-Mobile could possibly be closing their doors hit hard for many employees in the company, especially low-ranking retail and call center workers, who just went through a similarly stressful situation a few years ago when AT&T was looking to purchase T-Mobile. That merger was denied by FCC regulators, citing laws against creating a monopoly within the industry.

“It’s extremely disheartening, the idea of them shutting us down.” Said Christopher Pike, a call center employee. “I was here when AT&T came strutting through, and tried to pick us up. It was horrible, stressful. No one knew what was going to happen. This is almost worse, because they’ve already told us that we’re going to be out of a job if this buyout is approved.”

Jon Legere, CEO of T-Mobile, doesn’t seem too worried about keeping a job within the company if the buy-out happens. Legere, who has only been with T-Mobile for the last couple of years, has become an outspoken president, known for his profanity-laced speeches calling out AT&T and Verizon for their “shady” practices and their old-school mentality.

“I always talked about AT&T, Verizon – I rarely ever talked any [expletive] about Sprint, because I knew this was going to happen eventually. It’s no surprise to me. You can’t be #4 in the game forever without #3 knocking on your door. Well, the door is open now, and it’s about time I take off this magenta shirt and start thinking about how I’m going to look in yellow.”

With T-Mobile inevitably on the route to the end, many customers who recently switched from Sprint were delighted that they would be able to go back.

“I switched over to T-Mobile when my contract with Sprint ran out. Needed to try something new, ya know?” Said Alex Winter, a long time Sprint subscriber. “They don’t have contracts, sure, but they suckered me into buying a phone for $750, and with monthly payments, it’s going to take 2 damn years to pay off, so it’s basically the same thing. I can’t leave them without paying an arm and a leg to get rid of this phone, and their service is terrible. I can’t wait to get back with Sprint.”

As of this writing, there were no definite terms completed for the possible buyout, with representatives for Sprint and T-Mobile refusing to comment.

Charles Manson Granted Parole

Posted on June 4, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

Corcoran, California –

One of the most famous killers in the American prison system will soon be walking free. On Tuesday Charles Manson, who is now 79 years old, was granted parole by the California Board of Parole and authorized by California Governor Jerry Brown.

According to California Board of Parole Hearings Commissioner John Peck, prison overcrowding forced the prison board to re-evaluate prisoners that are elderly or those with serious illnesses. In February a panel of federal judges ordered California Gov. Jerry Brown (D) two more years to reduce chronic prison overcrowding that has cost the state billions of dollars.

The ruling, issued by three judges overseeing the state’s efforts to ease the overcrowding, gives California until February 2016 to achieve their goals. But, the judges said, the state has to make elderly inmates and those with serious illnesses eligible for parole immediately.

Manson, who was denied parole in April of 2012 and wasn’t scheduled for another parole hearing until 2027, was re-evaluated due to his age and health and the Parole Board recommended his parole.

“He is 79 years old and in poor health,” said Commissioner Peck. “We know it’s not going to be a popular decision but, considering our other options, he’s the least threat.”

Protesters have already planned to picket the lawn outside of the prison in Corcoran, but what is more surprising is the number of supporters that have come out to express joy over the news.

“It’s a great [expletive] day in America!” said Joe Goldsmith, who camped out in front of the prison Wednesday morning, decked out in Manson gear and sporting tattoos covering his face. “Manson is my idol”

While parole was granted, the actual release date has not yet been set.

All Prisons In Europe May Close

Posted on June 4, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

LONDON — A convicted criminal has made an astonishing complaint to the European Court of Human Rights, on the grounds that being in prison infringes his basic human rights.

Jerry Buckles, a lifelong petty crook and infamous thug, was jailed for the attempted robbery of the local supermarket where he was working. Unfortunately, when he tried to get the automatic checkout machine to give him all its cash, it refused to comply and just told him repeatedly, “Object found in bagging area”.

Buckles is now serving a 5 year term in Wormwood Scrubs, one of Britain’s worst prisons. But he has found a loophole in the Human Rights Act which may mean he is free in weeks.

“It’s quite simple,” said his lawyer Joseph Goldsmith. “The Act says that everyone has the right to liberty. There is nothing in there to say that prisoners are not included in having that right.” Mr Goldsmith has a personal interest in the outcome too, as he is Buckles’ fellow inmate.

If the pair are successful in bringing their case to the European Court, then it is possible that all prisons across the EU will have to close. However, Minister of Justice Herbert Clamp didn’t think that was likely. He said, “We have a plan of action in the event that prisons are declared illegal by the HRA. We will simply declare all prisoners to be sub-human scum – which they are – and then the Act does not apply.”

College Student Excused From Classes After Dog Eats Grandmother

Posted on June 3, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

OXFORD, OH–

A student at Miami Ohio University is receiving a lot of attention after a letter he wrote to his professor went viral.

According to the letter, the student, Joseph Goldsmith, claimed that his dog, “ate my grandmother” the night before his final exam.

The letter was thought to be a joke but it turned out that his grandmother actually was attacked and seriously injured by his dog, a pitt bull named Gator.

The seemingly absurd letter was posted online and soon went viral after photos of the grandmother covered in stitches were posted.

Emailed the distraught student to his professor:

Prof. Neudhardt,

I wont be able to make the exam today because my dog ate my grandmother, who was receiving radiation treatments and might have irradiated my dog, Gator, who is currently being hospitalized at the vet.

Can I come in on Thursday to take the exam, once my dog is released from the hospital?

Prof. Neudhardt is expected to excuse the student from the exam on Monday, pending proof of the diseased grandmother’s condition.

Cure For Cancer Discovered; ‘Amazingly Simple’ Says Researcher

Posted on June 3, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

Orono, Maine — Medical researchers at the University of Maine have discovered the long-sought cure for cancer. According to lead researcher Dr. Emma Kingston, the cure was so amazingly simple, they don’t understand how someone didn’t find it before now.
Said Kingston, “I was practically in shock. The medical community has been conducting research for literally decades trying to find the cure for cancer. And for the actual cure to be so simple. Stunning, really. And to be clear, we’re not just talking about one type of cancer here. We’re talking about all types of cancer for all people.”
Dr. Elmer Hudson, a colleague of Dr. Kingston’s, expressed some reservations at making such sweeping claims. “We need to be careful here. While yes the cure is 100% effective for most people and all types of cancer, there are still isolated instances with some types of people who have some types of cancer that the level of immediate complete remission is only 94.6%. That other 5.4% of cancer patients did not experience complete immediate remission. They all exhibited flu-like symptoms for up to 2 weeks before they were completely cured.”
Kingston went on to explain that everything needed for the cure is available at any local drugstore. In fact, according to Kingston, you can probably get most of the items at a reasonably stocked convenience store. Even Dr. Hudson admitted that a person can go to a drugstore, spend perhaps twenty dollars, go home and be completely cured in about thirty minutes.
The complete findings will be released in the next issue of The Journal Of Medical Things In Maine which is issued every two years by the University. Since the previous version came out just last month, it will be almost the full two years before the next issue.
Dr. Kingston, practically giddy, said “When our findings are made public it will change the world. And only 23 months to wait.”