Dentist Who Killed ‘Cecil The Lion’ Seriously Mauled By Rabid Feral Cats

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BLOOMINGTON, Minnesota – 

Dr. Walter Palmer, DDS, the man who allegedly paid $50,000 to kill a protected and collared lion known as ‘Cecil’ in Zimbabwe and has since become the most hated man on the internet, was reportedly attacked and mauled by a group of feral cats as he was attempting to enter his Minnesota home.

The cats, which authorities say were possibly rabid, apparently followed Palmer for over 40 blocks as he walked home from a local restaurant. For the last block, Palmer was reportedly seen running and screaming for his life.

“I saw him just down the road, and he was running and screaming, ‘Help! Help! The cats are attacking! They’re coming for me!’,” said local resident Marlene Stuart. “I saw behind him probably 30 or 40 disgusting, mangy cats, all of them clearly flea-ridden and malnourished, using up all of their last little bits of energy chasing him down. I’m sure I could have ran after them and shooed them away, but hell, that’s none of my business.”

Palmer was taken to a local hospital where he was put on life support.

“Those cats, they certainly did a number on him,” said Dr. Geoff Fate. “Frankly, I’m surprised he’s alive. Those cats certainly knew who he was. They could probably smell lion blood on him, and it’s clear they were out for retribution.”

“Although many of the cats were more than likely rabid, the city has decided to not euthanize them,” said police chief Randy Moore. “Normally, a rabid animal is automatically put down after attacking a human, but in this case, we feel it’s possible that the attack was justified.”

According to doctors and police, the cats may have been tracking Palmer for upwards of 40 hours, with hopes of wearing him down until he collapsed from exhaustion. Several eyewitnesses say that it looked as though the group of tough cats were attempting to behead and skin Palmer with their tiny claws, but they can’t be certain.

“Damn good thing cat’s don’t have opposable thumbs,” said Stuart. “If they did, they’d have surely shot him with a crossbow.”

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