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Only Hours After Announcing Separation from Lisa Bonet, Actor Jason Momoa Photographed Holding Hands with SNL’s Pete Davidson
January 14, 2022
NEW YORK CITY, New York - Only a few hours after publicly announcing that he would be divorcing wife Lisa Bonet, superstar actor Jason Momoa (Aquaman) was photographed leaving a club in New York City ...
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Former President Trump Calls Kyle Rittenhouse a ‘Modern-Day Hero’ In Leaked Private Recordings
November 24, 2021
WASHINGTON, D.C. - A leaked private recording was recently obtained exclusively by Empire News, wherein former President Donald Trump directly refers to recently acquitted teenage gunman Kyle Rittenhouse as a 'Modern Day Hero.' "Mr. Ex-President is, ...
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Kraft Foods To Re-Brand ‘Kool-Aid Man’ Mascot to ‘Kool-Aid Person’ After Pressure From Left-Wing Groups
November 24, 2021
CHICAGO, Illinois - Kraft Food Holdings, the parent company behind Kool-Aid Brands, has announced that their long-stand mascot, The Kool-Aid Man, will be modified to be the Kool-Aid Person starting early next year. Extended pressure ...
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Multiple People Hospitalized, Several Arrested During ‘Rush Limbaugh Has Cancer’ Celebration in Boston
February 08, 2020
BOSTON, MA Over a dozen people were hospitalized and 11 people were arrested after a massive celebration broke out in the streets of Boston on Friday. Last week, conservative dickbag Rush Limbaugh announced he had late-stage lung ...
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Trump To Host Massive ‘I Beat Impeachment’ Party at White House This Weekend
February 08, 2020
WASHINGTON, D.C. President Trump has decided to throw a massive "I Beat Impeachment" party at the White House, which is slated to kickoff around 6PM on Saturday, with plans to run until the early morning hours ...
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Parent Company of Corona Beer Sues China Over Bad Press During Their Coronavirus Scare
January 25, 2020
MEXICO CITY, Mexico - Anheuser-Busch InBev, the parent company of Corona brands of beer, has announced they are filing suit against the Chinese government, after the massive Coronavirus scare in that country has caused a mass ...
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Gwyneth Paltrow’s Vagina-Scented Candle Is Reportedly Giving People Herpes in Their Nasal Passages
January 25, 2020
LOS ANGELES, California - Gwyneth Paltrow, who has been shilling garbage Goop products for years - items that have been proven multiple times to be a sham at best, and potentially life-threatening in their bad pseudoscience ...
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Michelle Obama Files For Divorce After Shocking Revelation; Barack Obama Admits: ‘I’m Gay!’
January 18, 2020
PHILADELPHIA, PA Former President Barack Obama announced late last night that he had filed for divorce from his wife of 27 years, Michelle Obama, after he revealed a secret double life as a homosexual. "It is with ...