DETROIT, Michigan –
Chrysler announced today a new special edition Jeep model they are developing. The vehicle, which will be based on the Jeep Rubicon, is said to be specially designed to protect the occupants from riots and civil disturbances, as well as police and military actions.
The new Jeep, known as the ‘Inner-City Wrangler,’ begins its production run in January, and is already a hit with buyers, who have been putting down deposits in cities like Chicago, St. Louis, New York, Ferguson, and Los Angeles.
“We are very excited about the ‘Inner-City Wrangler’,” said CEO of Chrysler’s Jeep Division, Mitch Manley. “The ‘Inner-City Wrangler’, or the Inner-City Strangler, as we call like to joke, will come in both two- and four-door configurations, and is designed to keep you safe while driving through this country’s many lawless inner-cities. Protester in your way? Not a problem; large front bumpers will gently nudge those pesky protesters out of the way, but if they don’t move, over 15 inches of ground clearance will enable you to drive over them.”
“Bullet proof glass will keep you safe, while fire resistant paint will protect you from torches and molotov cocktails,” continued lead Jeep designer Harvey Myles. “Special run-flat tires will get you to work no matter what, while high-tech air filters will keep tear gas and smoke out of the cabin. Plus, dark, tinted windows will keep your race hidden from protesters. All of these great features will come standard on every model, keeping you safe from the jobless protesters looking for reasons to loot and riot.”
“I put my order in for one,” said Carmine Classi, a New York City retail employee. “I can’t afford to be late to work, and I’m tired of these protesters blocking the streets and bridges. I’ve been written up twice because of these people who stand right in the middle of intersections, holding their signs and being a general nuisance. When I get my new Jeep, I’ll just drive over the bastards!”