Tide Detergent Counterfeiting Ring Seemingly Unstoppable


COMPTON, California –

Inner-city gangs have branched out from dealing in crack and heroin. Tide liquid detergent is now one of the hottest commodities on the streets. Many drug dealers now accept Tide as payment, encouraging shoplifters to load up carts of detergent and flee from stores. Others pay small amounts for new-looking tide bottles, which they can fill with generic detergent and resell on the black market.

Shanice Williams says most women she knows would not be caught dead at the laundromat with anything other than Tide detergent. “It’s a status thing. Tide’s classy. Don’t matter if it’s a knockoff as long as it’s blue cause they aint gonna stick their noses up in your laundry. Me though, I only use the real thing, and two cap fulls – ’cause I like my drawers smelling fresh. You gotta watch it though. Bitches will run off with your bottle if you turn your back for even a second. I even seen bitches getting stabbed for they Tide.”

Knock-off bottles are flooding the streets on Compton, Detroit, New York City, and even Des Moines. The FBI says the counterfeiting ring is difficult to stop. Not only are small-timers filling bottles with generic detergent at the local level, but thousands of counterfeit bottles are making their way into the United States from China.

“This is one of the most difficult cases I’ve ever handled as a detective,” said policeman George Lawson. “I have been working with my team tirelessly to get the Tide rings under control. Not being able to do so in a reasonable amount of time has been a real stain on my career.”

Jeep To Market ‘Inner-City Wrangler’ Model Designed To Protect Against Civil Disturbances

DETROIT, Michigan – Jeep To Market ‘Inner-City Wrangler' Model Designed To Protect Against Civil Disturbances

Chrysler announced today a new special edition Jeep model they are developing. The vehicle, which will be based on the Jeep Rubicon, is said to be specially designed to protect the occupants from riots and civil disturbances, as well as police and military actions.

The new Jeep, known as the ‘Inner-City Wrangler,’ begins its production run in January, and is already a hit with buyers, who have been putting down deposits in cities like Chicago, St. Louis, New York, Ferguson, and Los Angeles.

“We are very excited about the ‘Inner-City Wrangler’,” said CEO of Chrysler’s Jeep Division, Mitch Manley. “The ‘Inner-City Wrangler’, or the Inner-City Strangler, as we call like to joke, will come in both two- and four-door configurations, and is designed to keep you safe while driving through this country’s many lawless inner-cities. Protester in your way? Not a problem; large front bumpers will gently nudge those pesky protesters out of the way, but if they don’t move, over 15 inches of ground clearance will enable you to drive over them.”

“Bullet proof glass will keep you safe, while fire resistant paint will protect you from torches and molotov cocktails,” continued lead Jeep designer Harvey Myles. “Special run-flat tires will get you to work no matter what, while high-tech air filters will keep tear gas and smoke out of the cabin. Plus, dark, tinted windows will keep your race hidden from protesters. All of these great features will come standard on every model, keeping you safe from the jobless protesters looking for reasons to loot and riot.” 

“I put my order in for one,” said Carmine Classi, a New York City retail employee. “I can’t afford to be late to work, and I’m tired of these protesters blocking the streets and bridges. I’ve been written up twice because of these people who stand right in the middle of intersections, holding their signs and being a general nuisance. When I get my new Jeep, I’ll just drive over the bastards!”


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