Miami Coast Guard Rescues Hundreds of Dolphins Stranded in the Ocean

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Miami Coast Guard Rescues Hundreds of Dolphins Stranded in the Ocean

MIAMI, Florida –

In a day hailed as the “peak of marine heroism,” the Miami coast guard has rescued hundreds of dolphins from the Atlantic Ocean. The majestic creatures were reportedly stranded there for an undetermined amount of time before their plight was spotted by an observant tourist on Sunday morning.

“These poor animals have been stuck in the sea longer than anyone we’ve rescued in the past,” said head of operations, Warren Bailey. “We attribute their survival to their well known ability to adapt to harsh conditions. They are the second smartest mammals on earth, after all.”

Trent Richman, the man who initially called attention to the dolphins’ plight, has been hailed as an “all-American hero.”

“Trent epitomizes our great nation’s values,” said Miami mayor, Tomas Pedro Regalado. “We’re hospitable to anyone in their time or need, American or foreign, human or animal.”

Richman himself played down his role in the rescue.

“Anyone else would have done the same,” he humbly told reporters. “Who could leave innocent beings to drown in this huge ocean? I saw them desperately jumping into the air for what they must have believed were their last breaths. I called the coast guard and they’re the ones who should be applauded for their quick response.”

Mayor Regalado is apparently doing everything in his power to find housing for the dolphins until they recover from their ordeal, which may have lasted years.

“Our hotels are filled up right now – this is a favorite city for vacations all year long. Also, due to their corpulence, they can’t fit in most citizens’ houses, so we have quite a dilemma on our hands. For now, we’re working hard to build tent cities for them to stay in, but with the huge amount of refugees on our hands, some of them will inevitably sleeping under the stars for the next few nights.”

At press time, the survivors were resting from the drama on the beach, out of reach of the projected tides. When asked for comments, their lack of response was likely due to their need to sleep off the exhaustion. They are, however, expected to be up and running within the next few hours.

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