BOSTON, New York –
Area mom Joanne Silverstam, who recently succeeded at ‘praying the gay away’ in her 16-year-old son, says her only regret is the loss of his absolute fabulousness. The Jewish parent believes wholeheartedly that the drastic measure was necessary for Johnny to fit in with the community, and not to bring shame on the family. However, he no longer has the gorgeous fashion sense and flamboyant personality which she acknowledges made him her favorite child.
“Johnny is a sweet boy, and will remain that way. But he’s lost that… pizazz, if you will, which made him special,” lamented the mother of five. “I love his siblings, but none of them could make me laugh with those outrageously bitchy remarks which used to come naturally to him. Now I have no one to tell me when I’m making a fashion faux-pas, or that I need a pedicure.”
Religious leader Rabbi Greenstein praised the mother’s determination, saying, “It’s hard for a parent to see such dramatic changes in her child. But when he grows up to be a good husband, a career-oriented man who supports his family with a respectable, menschedik job, she’ll realize it was all for the good, and forget about his former ostentatious self.”
The newly-heterosexual boy’s best friend, Molly Halpern, agreed with the mother’s sentiment.
“I don’t know what will happen to our friendship now. It was based on a shared love of eye-catching hair-dos, shamelessly gaudy outfits, and fabulous skin. The new Johnny – with that deteriorating complexion and those clunky formal shoes – is almost a stranger to me. Plus, I see the way he checks out my boobs now. It’s just weird.”
Johnny himself expressed no such regrets. “I’m on my way now to becoming an accountant, just like my family wanted,” he said, in a gruff monotone nothing like his previously lilting, sing-song voice. “I’ve given up the gratuitous activities I used to waste my time on, like dancing and theater. I need to focus on the straight-and-narrow lifestyle now, and forget about how drab these khaki pants are I just bought.