FOXBOROUGH, Massachusetts –
After leading his team, like a fearless warrior against arrogant showboating thugs, to a come-from-behind victory over the defending Super Bowl champions the Seattle Seahawks last night, four-time Lombardi Trophy winning quarterback Tom Brady announced his retirement from the NFL. The announcement came in an unscheduled, private press briefing, which consisted of only six people, including wife Gisele, head coach Bill Belichick, team owner Robert Kraft, and two reporters, at the team’s headquarters in Foxborough.
“While I am greatly honored to have been a key part of this incredible franchise, it is with bittersweet sentiment that I stand before you and announce that I have decided to end my career with a bang,” the fifteen-year NFL veteran said. “The game has just become too easy, it’s just not challenging anymore. Look at this game film again. As you can see, I threw the two interceptions on purpose just to make the game more exciting. It was kind of like playing a toddler in Madden on XBox, and letting them get a ten-point lead so that the victory seemed more exciting. Today’s players just don’t have the skill-set or passion. When people start accusing you of deflating footballs, there is an issue.”
Brady, who is married to Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bundchen, completed a Super Bowl record of 37 passes, and threw for 4 touchdowns. He went on to discuss tenative future plans. “Well I think I am going to take some time to relax, enjoy my sexy wife, and eventually pursue a career in modeling to keep busy,” Brady stated confidently.
Belichick, who was standing with his back against the rear wall, stated that coaching Brady was a pleasure, but the team would move on without him happily. “Tom was a great quarterback for this franchise and I love him dearly, but it’s time for him to go. I am glad I had the opportunity to make him who he is. He couldn’t have done it without me.”