WASHINGTON, D.C. –
In what has been hailed as the biggest victory for the anti-vaccination campaign, congress has passed a law that means parents who vaccinate their children could serve jail time. This comes as mounting evidence suggests that the preventative measures against fatal diseases could cause autism in children who are predisposed to the condition.
Over recent months, the campaign which seemed to have hit a lull, came roaring back to life, when the unverified research by hack Andrew Wakefield was pushed into the spotlight by reactionary mothers on the internet. The frantic and irresponsible parents got a further boost from renowned scientist Bill Maher’s assertion that “all those people who don’t think they can handle a little flu are total babies.”
The bill follows another important victory for campaigners, as January saw the reemergence of the all but forgotten measles, bringing further publicity to the previously denigrated group. Measles was thought to have been eliminated, but it could be the first of a long list of pre-vaccination favorites to reemerge.
“I’m hoping for diphtheria next,” said avid anti-vaxxer Mary Snucker. “I can’t wait to see my unimmunized children go blue and bleed from their precious little noses.”
Mother of five, Harriet Pentucky, said that if she had known of the risks, she would never have had her kids vaccinated. “It’s too late now,” she lamented, “and all of my children turned out okay. But to think of what I could’ve had to deal with! Yeah, polio sucks, but I’d take cripples over the autistics any day of the week.”
Republican Senator Rand Paul, who had late Tuesday contradicted his Monday statement that vaccines cause mental disorders, retracted once again, saying that the bill was a victory and that he was now on his way to de-immunize himself and his children.
“Besides,” he was overheard saying to a friend, “I’m too old to get all that mumps and rubella guff.”