Bill Cosby On Ferguson Riots: ‘Anything To Get The News Media Off My Ass’

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Comedian Bill Cosby has been the butt of many jokes and the talk of the media lately, as allegations of rape and sexual assault have sprung up from several women, including former model Janice Dickinson and Law & Order: SVU actress Michel Hurd.

Despite these horrendous stories overtaking his entire life and ruining a career most people assumed ended in 1992, Cosby has been relatively quiet about the allegations, only speaking once to deny any wrong-doing, and otherwise deflecting comments to his lawyers and agents.

Cosby had a new, planned series put on indefinite hiatus by NBC, a Netflix stand-up special cancelled, and even TV Land stopped showing old episodes of The Cosby Show – because obviously you aren’t allowed to be entertained by him anymore now that you know he’s an (alleged) rapist.

Because he’s prominent and black, Cosby was asked this morning about the horrors of the Ferguson, Missouri riots that are happening in the wake of the Michael Brown shooting verdict.

“Whatever keeps the news media off my ass is fine by me,” said Cosby. “My ass is old and tired, and doesn’t need this kind of abuse. Them Ferguson folks can loot, pillage, plunder, riot, murder – whatever they gotta do to make themselves happy. The longer it goes, the less people will be thinking about me. Instead of a 12-hour exposé on whether or not I raped a bunch of women, CNN can do one on race relations in Missouri. Now please – just let me enjoy my pudding pops in peace.”

If you’re feeling a bout of extreme pity or you have an unbreakable nostalgic urge for sweaters, you can catch Cosby on his national stand-up tour happening now through May, 2015.

SHELBURNE, Massachusetts –

Another person has come forward alleging sexual misconduct against Bill Cosby, except this time, it is a man.

Isaac Arnold Jones, owner and operator of a small lawn maintenance company in Shelburne, Massachusetts, went to authorities earlier this week claiming his longtime employer, comedian Bill Cosby, sexually assaulted him in July of 2007.

Jones, who runs the lawn care outfit named ‘Two Bros Mowing’, went to police and told a Special Victims Unit detective that after mowing Cosby’s lawn on a hot July afternoon that Cosby invited him in to cool down, and claims the assault happened inside Cosby’s large estate in the wealthy suburb located near Boston.

“It was just me working that day, my brother had called in sick, and due to a lot of rain we had a lot of catching up to do. Mr. Cosby was obviously our highest priority client so I went to his house first chance I had to get his yard done. Anytime we mow Mr. Cosby’s lawn, we always go over it two or three times to make it look really good,” said Jones in his police report. “It was a hot and humid day and I was sweating a lot. When I finished I went to the door to collect a check. Usually his maid Mabel is waiting for me on the porch, for whatever reason she wasn’t that day. I rung the doorbell and Mr. Cosby answered the door. He told me I had done a great job and his lawn looked wonderful.”

Jones was, naturally, not comfortable discussing the events that allegedly occurred, but eventually continued his story.

“After the praise, he invited me in to cool off, and have a Coke and Pudding Pop. Of course I accepted, it’s Bill Cosby! After I ate one chocolate pudding pop, Bill looked at me and asked me if I wanted another one. He said something like, ‘I’ve got a special chocolate pudding pop for you, if you want some more, son’ and I thought sure, why not? Mr. Cosby left the room and came back with some more pudding, opened it for me, then it happened,” an emotional Jones said.

When asked what Cosby did, Jones was very reluctant to explain, but eventually said that Cosby forced him to perform simulated oral sex on a pudding pop while Cosby watched and rubbed pudding all over his genitals. “I was scared, and didn’t know what to do, so I just did what he said. Plus I was still hungry, and pudding pops are awesome.” Jones replied. “I just tried not to look at all that delicious pudding going to waste as it was rubbed all over his Little Huxtable, and finished the pudding pop as quickly as possible. Then I got the hell out of there.”

Several women have come forward alleging sexual assault against Cosby, most recently former supermodel Janice Dickinson. Cosby has not yet been charged or convicted in any wrong-doing, although he has had several engagements cancelled by the media, including a planned Netflix stand-up special, and a new NBC comedy series.