Presidential Race Starts To Get Bloody After Sanders Challenges Opponents

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

In an attempt to secure the sick and desperate demographic, Bernie Sanders donated blood plasma to help those afflicted with problems ranging from Kawasaki disease to hemophilia. He called for other candidates to take a break from campaigning and do the same.

Plasma donation is more time-consuming than giving blood, in that the blood is drawn from one arm and channeled through an automated machine that collects plasma and returns the red blood cells. The screening process is also more difficult, baring donors from having tattoos or piercings.

Hilary Clinton tried, in an attempt to follow Sanders’ lead, to give plasma but was not able to make a donation due to the small tattoo on her buttocks that says “Bill.” She reportedly told the nurse, “I was going to say I never regretted getting that tattoo more, but that’s untrue. There was another time I regretted it more…”

Trump’s campaign managers say he will not be donating plasma, as Trump cannot be sure his donation wouldn’t be given to affluent white males or attractive women.

Drop In Blood Donations Means Higher Prices For Plasma TVs

PALO ALTO, California – Drop In Blood Donations Means Higher Prices For Plasma TVs

The American Red Cross issued an urgent nationwide appeal for blood donations as regional supply centers reported lower than average levels of immediately available blood reserves.

Plasma, blood’s liquid component, is essential for transporting red blood cells (erythrocytes), white blood cells (leukocytes), and platelets, which help to stop bleeding during traumatic physical injury.

The nation’s technological sector also requires a continual supply of plasma.  Demand has steadily increased since the introduction of the first flat-screen plasma displays in 2006 and, as with any industry faced with a shortage of materials, the result is higher prices passed along to the consumer.

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“Consumers are going to take a hit,” said Walter Britton, media analyst and marketing director.  “It’s the domino effect – one puzzle piece influences the entire picture.  Shoppers are going to end up with a lot of bruised wallets and pocketbooks,” he added.

Trudy Belmont, regional director of the Denver Colorado Red Cross, is confident that the public will favorably respond to the plea for increased donations.  “Americans always come through.  I have no doubt our regional and national supply levels will return to normal, just as they have in the past.  Soon there will be enough blood everywhere,” she added.

Major electronics manufacturers, including LG, Samsung, Pioneer and NEC, have formed a partnership with the American Red Cross to urge the public to participate in nationwide blood drives.

“Give Blood – That’s The Resolution!” is the new rallying cry and national slogan developed by analyst Britton and his creative team.  Public service announcements have been produced for wide distribution across several media platforms.

“The sooner we get enough blood,” said Britton, “the faster we can maintain the fair market prices that consumers demand, while providing hospital patients and victims of traumatic injury the life-giving fluid they have come to depend on.  Let’s get flowing!” he enthusiastically chanted, pumping his fist in the air.

Formerly, a 2- to 3-day reserve supply of blood products was necessary to meet demands imposed by hospitals, emergency medical centers and electronics manufacturers.  The Red Cross now aims to increase that reserve to 5 days.

PETA Goes Directly To Source, Pays Poachers For Videos Of Animal Abuse

NORFOLK, Virginia – Empire-News-PETA-Goes-Directly-To-Source-Pays-Poachers-For-Videos-Of-Animal-Abuse

PETA, also known as “People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals,” has landed itself in some hot water today over allegations that the group has had their hand in poaching, dog fighting, and animal smuggling.

Ingrid Newkirk, founder of PETA, has allegedly started reaching out to illegal animal groups around the world, asking them for photographic and video of their crimes – not to use as evidence against them, but for use in her group’s campaign to help save all animals.

“People really need the shock value of the dismembered elephants, dogs from a dog fighting ring, or kittens in a bag to really understand that this stuff is happening.  They can’t just read it, they have to watch a three hour video showing how they get wool for UGG boots.”  Newkirk stated vehemently.  “Recently I come across better ways of acquiring these pictures.  Straight from the source if you will, nothing illegal, but definitely something a lot of people should know about.”

“Personally, I find the way we’re getting our new material to be much easier.” Says co-founder Alex Pacheco. “She [Newkirk] definitely has a flair for the dramatic, and you can’t argue with the results.”

Pacheco says that in the past, they would get people who were part of the PETA cause to work jobs in meat packing plants or other major industries that deal with animals, mostly in the food industry, and have them secretly videotape the  horrible treatment animals were enduring. As incoming funds and donations have slowed over the last few years, they don’t have the money to hire “field workers” as often, especially with the incredibly large salaries the PETA board members take every year.

“Ingrid makes at least triple what I do, and I make around $2 million dollars a year.” Said Pacheco.  “With the incredible amount of money that people donate to PETA dwindling year after year, it was time we made a change on how we got our information, and our sources. We want to keep the word strong, and we’ll do whatever we have to do to keep that happening.”

When asked if they thought that there were less donations coming in because of the recent recession, and people more worried about where their next meal might come from than whether African Rhinos were being poached for their horns, Pacheco had a different angle

“I think that people just are starting to care less about animals these days. We’ve been around a very long time. Don’t you think the people who donate would catch on to the fact that we haven’t done that much good?  I mean, Seaworld is still around, people still torture animals and post the videos to YouTube.  We really haven’t done all that much when you look at the big picture, but still the money comes. Slowly, maybe, but it’s coming. Hell,  I only stay because of that massive paycheck I was telling you about. Damn, that’s a great deal!”

PETA members say that they aren’t worried about what the higher-ups are doing to get their information, and that the only thing that matters is getting people to notice, and pay attention to their cause.

“I remember this one time, we took this fat, sweaty, gross-looking woman, had her on her hands and knees, completely nude, and chained her up in a tiny pig cage.” Said Miranda Charles, a PETA advocate and frequent protest leader for the group. “It was to show the plight of the poor pigs when they are on their way to get slaughtered, and the horrible tortures they must endure.  I can’t believe this woman was down for it. It’s really amazing what you can convince people to do if you just say it’s part of a great thing.”

“I just feel like the more information we put out there, the more people will pay us to give them that information.  The idea is to educate, but we can’t do that for free.”  Newkirk said.  “It’s for the better of animal-kind to stop these horrid acts, and I’ll eat the flesh directly off a dog’s ass if it means he won’t be put into a fighting ring.”

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