Patient Who Had Penis Photographed By Nurse When Unconscious Says He’s “Cool With It” After Seeing How Hot She Is

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UPSTATE, New York – 

A nurse in New York was forced to turn in her license to practice after she took selfies and “dick pics” of an unconscious patient, and then shared the pictures with co-workers. 27-year-old Kristen Johnson was forced by a judge to give up her license after she was deemed “morally unfit” to practice.

The patient, whose identity was not revealed, did make a public statement, saying that he didn’t think that there was anything wrong with what happened.

“If she had been fat and ugly, taking pictures of my dick would have been a no-go,” said the patient. “But I mean, really now. Have you seen her? She’s a hot 27-year-old, and what better way to flatter a guy when he gets out of a coma than to tell him a hot girl was admiring his package? I’m totally cool with it.”

A lawyer for the patient was hired by the hospital, but he says that he has “no intention” of going any further through the legal system with the issue.

“If it had been a guy taking pictures of some unconscious girl’s vag, and then shared it around, people would be calling for his balls on a platter, but because this is a young, attractive girl, they’re just making her give up her license,” said the patient. “Honestly, I think she’s suffered enough. Her career is ruined, and she didn’t even get to take home the prize.”

Conan O’Brien Fired By TBS After Reportedly Tweeting Joke About Muhammad

NEW YORK CITY, New York – Conan O’Brien Fired By TBS After Reportedly Tweeting Joke About Muhammad

Late night talk show host Conan O’Brien has reportedly been released from his show, Conan, by TBS executives for tweeting a joke about the prophet Muhammad. The tweet was only posted for a matter of minutes, before a slew of complaints forced Twitter to remove the offending joke. 

”I would like to personally apologize to the Muslim people for whatever Conan has said,” said TBS executive Bart Brennan. “I did not personally see the joke, but I want to make it clear TBS had nothing to do with it. I hope our swift firing of Conan, even before knowing any facts, proves that TBS cares about minorities and religious dogma. In closing, we at TBS are really, really sorry. As I said, we never even saw the joke, but I want to make it clear that we never really liked him anyway.”

Several famous friends of Conan’s were reached out to for their thoughts on his firing, but most celebrities reached by Empire News said that they were either ‘too busy’ to comment, or that they ‘didn’t care enough to have an opinion.’

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“I want to let the Muslim people know that Conan O’Brien is no longer my client, and that we parted ways the minute I heard about the tweet,” said Sol Simmons, Conan’s former agent. “I want to apologize to the Muslim people, and I want to stress, I never saw the joke. The truth is, my partners and I never liked him anyway.”

Most late night television viewers say that won’t miss Conan’s show, as there were too many others to choose from as it was, with most people preferring Fallon, anyway.

“He has always been a disappointment,” said Conan’s mother Mary. “He was always a little pain, and I told him, ‘Conan, comedy is definitely not for you.’ I just want to apologize to the Muslim people and I want to make it clear that I have severed all ties with my son. I never saw the joke myself; I don’t even know what Tweeter is. Truth is, though, we never liked him anyway.”

O’Brien says that he’s not really too worried about finding more work.

“Someone out there probably likes me,” said the comedian. “As it is, I really don’t see the big deal. I wrote the joke myself, so it obviously wasn’t even funny.”

TBS has stated that they are considering replacing O’Brien with Arnold Schwarzenegger, and re-working the name to Late Night With Conan The Barbarian. 

Jimmy Fallon Fired From The ‘Tonight Show’ After Feud With NBC Executives; Will Jay Leno Return?

NEW YORK, New York – Jimmy Fallon Fired From The 'Tonight Show' After Feud With NBC Executives Will Jay Leno Return

In February of 2014, Jimmy Fallon’s debut of the Tonight Show on NBC’s network engaged 11.3 million viewers, making it the most viewed late-night show in years. Less than one year later, CEO of NBC Steve Burke announced today that Fallon’s inability to get along with his crew and the NBC executives has shockingly cost him his job as late night’s most coveted television host. 

Earlier today in the announcement that seemed to shock the entire country, Burke explained that what viewers see on their televisions is the polar opposite of the man who Fallon was to the hard-working Tonight Show crew. There have been several rumors of verbal abuse and tantrums by Fallon, none of which anyone outside of the show seemed to believe.  However, earlier this week, things apparently boiled over when Fallon was confronted by NBC executives Bob Greenblatt and Mark Lazarus.

“Out of respect to all involved in the ugly dispute, no details of the feud will be released publicly. We at NBC are as shocked as all of our loyal viewers. Ratings were higher than ever, it seemed like a match made in heaven from a viewer prospective, but what you did not see is the unprofessional demeanor which occurred behind the scenes.”  Burke said, in an obviously shell-shocked and seemingly deflated manner.

Rumors began to circulate in just the past couple of weeks when it was uttered around the famed GE Building, which houses the new Tonight Show set, that Fallon had become extremely and verbally violent to his writing staff. One personal assistant, who asked to not to be named, told press members that Fallon had, on several occasions, said that she would be much more suited to ‘flip burgers at McDonald’s’ than to work for someone of his stature after she accidentally put mayonnaise on his sandwich instead of Miracle Whip. The story was buried by executives until others started to notice a change in Fallon’s demeanor. The writers’ meeting room, where Fallon met with his show writers every day, had become laden with several holes in the drywall due to Fallon’s explosive temper.

When Burke was asked about what happens next, he seemed as unsure as the stunned reporter that asked him.

“At this point, we have no idea who will replace Jimmy. We are still trying to soak in this terrible outcome. We simply do not have that answer.” Burke said. When asked about the chances Jay Leno returning, Burke simply replied, “I cannot answer that question. I cannot say its a possibility and I cannot say no. We never fathomed such events to transpire.”

His comments seemed to have led reporters to think that there would indeed be a meeting with Leno lined up. One reporter, Tanya Brown of the Hollywood Insider, asked Burke about the chances of Seth Myers stepping in for a sudden promotion.

“Such a promotion to an unproven, yet potentially brilliant late night talk show host, is very unlikely. We liked Seth where he is and intend to keep him there.” Burke said adamantly.

When asked about programming in the meantime, Burke commented that after this Friday, the show would go into rerun cycles. He also stated that NBC and Fallon had agreed to finish out the broadcasts for the week as if nothing at all has happened, and that there would be no on-air announcements or reactions, and that Fallon was bound by contract to not comment or even hint to the situation.

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