Stores To Begin Requiring Fingerprint Scans Along With EBT Cards To Avoid Fraud

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

According to new regulations that will soon take effect, most stores throughout the country will begin taking fingerprint scans of welfare recipients who are buying groceries. This change is being made in all 50 states in hopes that the government can push back against welfare fraud.

“There are many scams that welfare recipients currently utilize to turn their government dollars into actual cash, which they then use to buy alcohol, junk food, and drugs,” said White House representative Mark Raymond. “A new one we recently discovered is that people are buying bottled items in bulk, such as cases of water, and then dumping the water, and redeeming the bottles for the cash. Those people are idiots. Still, though, the most common is to simply pass their card off to someone else, and allow them to shop for groceries in exchange for cash.”

It’s this latter issue that the government is most concerned about, because they say that only certain poor people should be able to eat on their dime, and not all poor people.

“It comes down to drugs. That’s what these miscreants are buying with their traded cash, and we don’t need more drug addicts on welfare,” said Raymond. “These new regulations will require that fingerprint scans be run, and they must match the identity of the person whose name is on the card. This will hopefully stop the fraudulent activities occurring.”

“Man, this shit won’t stop me. I need my 40s, and I need a bump every now and then, and the way I get it each month is by selling my stamps, fifty-cent on the dollar, and then my buddy uses my card to get his groceries for his family. Shit, I ain’t even got a family. He needs it more than me,” said Freddy Carson of New York. “So this be more of a pain in my ass, but now I’m just gonna have my buddy give me a list, and I’ll go shopping for him, then give him the stuff, and he’ll give me the cash. More time out my day, so I’m gonna have to go up to seventy-five cent on the dollar, but his family gonna still get their food, and I’m still gonna be able to smoke crack. Take that, Obama!”

Presidential Candidate Ben Carson Arrested On Fraud Charges

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Dr. Ben Carson has reportedly been arrested on charges of fraud after it was revealed that the presidential candidate was not actually black.

According to reports, Dr. Ben Carson was born white, and later changed his skin tone to get ahead in his primary field of surgical medicine.

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“It’s very, very easy for a black man to get a job as a surgeon, or any doctor in any field, really,” said Dr. Miles Jones, head of medicine at Cambridge. “Affirmative Action basically makes it extremely easy for anyone who is black to get a job. Employers can’t risk not hiring someone who is African-American on the off-chance that they might get sued for racial discrimination.”

While Dr. Carson has not officially made a statement, a team of democratic naysayers have reportedly unearthed Ben Carson’s original birth certificate, which lists Carson as Caucasian. Dr. Carson’s legal team, as well as his campaign team, maintain that he is, and always has been, African-American.

Carson is being questioned by D.C. Police on charges of defrauding the public and gross misuse of campaign funds, after it was questioned whether or not a white man could actually receive money if the person donating thought it was going to a black man.

Bogus Psychic ‘Knew All Along’ He Would Be Outed, Jailed

WAUSEON, Ohio – Bogus Psychic 'Knew All Along' He Would Be Outed, Jailed

Trent Mattias, self-proclaimed psychic, investment advisor, and spiritual healer, was sentenced to a 7 to 15 year prison term yesterday, after being found guilty of fraud, misrepresentation and multiple counts of tax evasion.

“I knew all along this was going to happen someday,” said Mattias.  “It was only a matter of time before what I always knew was going to happen, really happened.”

Mattias’ admission came after an almost 20-year career marked by false identities, several failed business ventures, and a string of highly questionable investment schemes.  “Things were going good for while,” said Mattias.  “I had a great life and all the things that went with it.  I don’t know, but I guess now I know what I should have known.  It just couldn’t last as long as I thought I knew it could.”

During an interview from his Fulton County holding cell, Mattias revealed that several of his friends eventually became aware of his illegal activities.  “I told them I already knew what they were gonna say and that they were right, but I was so far into it, I couldn’t get out.  I knew that.  Times like these, you find out the difference between your real friends, and the friends you thought you knew were your real friends.”

One of Mattias’ former clients, who requested anonymity, contacted authorities after the mock psychic swindled him out $16,000.  “That was my nest-egg and my whole life savings.  It was a terrible thing that happened to me.  He’s a real smooth talker,” the victim continued, “and I figured he was on the level.  All of a sudden he started coming up with excuses about where all my money was, and all the big cash he always said was just around the corner never showed up for me.”

During the sentencing hearing, Mattias appeared remorseful as he addressed several of his victims who were in attendance.  “I just want to say to everybody who came to me for advice, I let you down.  Take my advice and always trust your instincts.  If something doesn’t feel right, don’t do it.  If I knew then what I know now, things would be a lot different and we probably wouldn’t be here today.  Looking back, I know that now and I apologize.”

As he was led from the courtroom, Mattias remarked, “Like that song goes, “Que sera, sera — whatever will be, will be.”

Mattias’ will be eligible for parole at a future date not yet set by officials.

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