Maine Enacts Law Forcing All Motorists To Wear Helmets Regardless Of Vehicle

Posted on July 13, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

AUGUSTA, Maine –

A new law passed by the Maine State Legislature yesterday will require all motorists to wear a helmet while driving, regardless of the vehicle. Maine is the first state in the country to adopt such a law, although several other New England states have been researching the idea for several years, including Rhode Island, Connecticut, and Massachusetts.

Maine governor Paul LePage (R), said that the new law would be a “huge leap forward” for the safety of the people of Maine.

“Before this law, we had no regulations on helmets at all. Motorcycles could whip down the highway at 70 MPH, and the driver was not legally required to wear any protection.” Said LePage. “This completely disregarded the fact that we had a seatbelt law for all occupants of regular cars and trucks. Why would we have one law, and not the other? It’s asinine. So we really went full-on with this new regulation.”

Previous law said that anyone, whether passenger or driver of a vehicle, must wear a seatbelt. This new law would also require them to wear a helmet, either bicycle-style or those designed for motorcycles – basically just something to protect the head in a crash.

“From now on, it doesn’t matter if you’re riding a Harley or driving a Honda, you are going to be required to put on a helmet.” Said LePage.

Opponents of the new law have not easily been silenced, including the Maine chapter of the Wheels of Satan , a notorious motorcycle club with several charters across the country. Members of the group are furious, personally blaming LePage for taking away their freedom to ride without a helmet, something they say they hold dear to their hearts.

“I hate helmets, and I came to Maine to avoid the strict helmet laws of other states.” Said Brent “Hefty” Capabianco, president of the Wheels of Satan’s Portland, Maine charter. “Not only are they forcing us to wear a helmet while riding, now I also have to wear a helmet when I get in my Godd— truck, too? This state is out if its mind. The Wheels are not happy, and we’re going to be making that fact known.”

The law, which was voted on yesterday, will take effect September 1st. At that point, police will be able to levy fines on any motorist not wearing DOT approved head protection. The fines begin at $75, the same as Maine’s seatbelt fines.

New Law Will Make Practicing The Mormon Religion Illegal

Posted on July 13, 2014 by JP

PROVO, Utah –

Religion has always been a touchy subject any way one chooses to look at it, causing wars, hatred, and feuds that may or may not have happened if it wasn’t for the beliefs held by any number of people. Regardless of the issues it may cause, one thing in life is certain, and that is that you are free to choose to believe in whatever you want, and the government cannot stop you.

Apparently, things are about to change for those wishing to practice at least one major religion. A new law being voted on in congress could pass, effectively making it illegal to follow the Mormon religion.

It is unclear why the United States would be voting to outlaw any religion, especially Mormonism, but the penalties and guidelines it entails are very extreme: anyone seen practicing the Mormon religion would be held in a prison cell for up to but not to exceed 5 years, and will only be released once a therapist and appointed clergyman feels that their beliefs have changed. This would still be true even if the law was repealed while the accused was incarcerated.

In conjunction with backlash that will come with such a harsh law, the government has said they will be offering a therapy program to Mormons that would like to learn about becoming followers of another religion, and the program will also give them an outlet to following that new way of life.

“Well, I mean, it does kind of make me happy to know I won’t have some stranger knocking on my door at 7:30AM, wanting to talk about God.” said Joe Goldsmith of Provo. “I’ve never been less interested in anyone’s beliefs – except for of course, perhaps, the Jehovah Witnesses. Those people show up at 6:30AM!”

News of the possibly outlaw of the Mormon faith reached the Vatican this morning, where Pope Francis was apparently thrilled.

“All the more for us,” Said the Pontiff. “They will come screaming to Catholicism. No one can outlaw the true Jesus Christ.”

The law, if passed, will take place January 1st, 2015. Any practicing Mormons are asked to keep a close watch on the possible law changes.

Federal Lawmakers Look To Abolish Public Sex Offender Registry In U.S.

Posted on July 5, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In some unsettling news out of the nation’s capital this morning, legislators are looking into the possibility of completely abolishing the public sex offender registry, and giving access to the private information of convicted sex offenders only to law enforcement personnel.

“The United States is the only country in the world with a publicly available sex offender list.” Said Representative Chuck Sharpe (D), of Ohio, who is leading the charge against the ‘right to know’ policy on sex offenders. “Ireland, Australia, New Zealand – even Canada – they all have registries that are only available to law enforcement. These people, most have done their time, and they deserve some privacy as well.”

Sharpe says that one of his family members was convicted of molesting a young girl, and was sentenced to 8 years in prison. Upon his release, he was quoted as saying that it’s been “a nightmare to find work or rent an apartment.”

“My Uncle Joe is a good man. A lot of these sex offenders are good people. They just have different sexual needs, you know?” Said Sharpe. “Personally, I enjoy sex with cans of cat food. It doesn’t make me a bad person, does it? I am okay with telling the world about my intercourse with Friskies, but that doesn’t mean I want to be put on a list somewhere for it, either.”

Many parents groups were outraged by the thought of not being able to check their smartphone apps to see who lived nearby that might want to bring their child on a candy-filled ride in a windowless van.

“Every day after I check the news, the first thing I do is open up the Safe Neighborhood app on my phone, and look to make sure no new perverts have moved into my area.” Said Maureen Nicholson, a mother of two young girls in Albany, New Hampshire. “Thankfully, our town is small, and I pretty much know all the sickos by sight. If there was no registry, though, how would I know who all the sick bastards are that want to have their way with my kids?”

Not surprisingly, the only people who seem to be really excited about the possibility of no longer having to make their presence known every time they move to a new area are the actual convicted-offenders themselves.

“I was released 5 years ago after doing 2 years for sexual assault.” Said Leanaí Diddler, a registered sex offender. “Since then, I’ve had to always tell everyone who I was whenever I got to a new town. I might as well be forced to wear a scarlet P for pedophile on my jacket, that’s how bad it is. The Pedobear tattoo I got in prison probably isn’t helping me out, but this could potentially change my life. I deserve to be treated like all the non-child-touchers out there!”

Although faced with a tough battle to have the laws changed, Sharpe thinks they will be successful thanks to backing by public-interest groups, as well as everyday citizens who see the need for privacy in these matters.

“I talked to a kid the other day,” Said Sharpe. “He’s a registered sex offender at 20 years old. He just got out after doing 3 years for having sex with his 16 year old girlfriend while he was 17, which is illegal in his home state of New Mexico. It wasn’t rape. It wasn’t even non-consenual. He just slept with the wrong angry bitch, who lied to her parents and police after he left her for another girl, a cute redhead in his English class. Now, don’t you think he deserves another chance?”

Lawmakers have said that this option of hiding the identities of sex offenders was preferable to their other options, which included forehead brands that said “SICKO,” or violent, total castration.

“We were really tempted to just cut off the balls of every single sex offender that was out there.” Said Representative Carl Hardy (D) of Georgia. “Upon considering our options, we figured that this would be a much better option for anyone involved. Where would we even put all those testicles, anyway?”

Obama Apologizes For Bergdahl Negotiations; Offers To Trade Him Back To Taliban

Posted on June 6, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Just 5 days ago, the Obama administration orchestrated the release of Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl from a Taliban-controlled prison in Afghanistan in exchange for 5 Guantanamo Bay detainees. Since his release was announced, the online debates as to whether or not Bergdahl was a deserter, abandoning his post in Yahya Kheyl in an Eastern province of Afghanistan, has divided the country during a time that would normally be a celebration for a POW returning home.

Because of the nature of the capture, the negotiation with terrorist leaders to bring Bergdahl home, and the unclear matter of his deserter status, President Obama made a formal apology to the nation today for acting without proper consent, and breaking laws that required Congress to be notified of any prisoner exchanges.

“I was unaware that Bergdahl was an… [alleged] deserter. I was doing my best to bring home a man who had suffered five years in a Taliban prison.” Said President Obama. “I have disgraced myself and my country for dealing with terrorists, for bending laws that I myself signed, and for trading the lives of 5 men in Guantanamo for the life of one man, who may or may not even deserve to have been saved.”

Obama went on to say that he believed that Bergdahl had suffered while he was in Afghanistan, but that didn’t excuse him of running out on his duties, and that the US is extremely embarrassed that they wasted such a good trade on a man who has disgraced his country in this way.

“If this was a proud man, a young man who stood for something great, then this trade would have been worth releasing 100 people from Guantanamo in exchange. I had actually considered letting 10 people go, but the Taliban, they started with 5 and I decided there was no reason to counter that number. Now that I have learned what I have about Bergdahl, I would have no problems trading him back. I’ll even take just 3 people back in exchange.” Said Obama.

Bergdahl will return his hometown of Hailey, Idaho within the next few weeks, although not to the fanfare that was originally scheduled. Plans for a parade in his honor, as well as entire hometown celebration, were abandoned after news of his deserter status began to spread across the internet. Originally planned for July 28th, the town’s official word is that they don’t have the resources to contain the amount of people expected. It is quite possible, though, that the backlash from the internet, as well as threats, hatred, and menace aimed at the town for planning a celebration had something to do with their cancellation.

“The City of Hailey believes in due process, and we are very happy to let the process unfold,” said the city’s mayor. “In the meantime, our celebration will focus on [Bowe’s] release and the relief of his family and those who live here.”