New Federal Law Makes It Illegal To Wear Racist, ‘Insensitive’ Halloween Costumes

Posted on October 30, 2014 by Chip

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

It has just been announced that a new law will be enforced this Halloween outlawing any Halloween costume that could be viewed as racist or ‘insensitive.’ The law is being passed down from the federal government and is estimated to effect over a million United States citizens come October 31^st.

It is unclear what has prompted this last-minute regulation to be implemented, however experts speculate that the thousands of white guys that have vocalized their plan to use “black face” to imitate Ray Rice this Halloween probably have something to do with it.

One expert said, “Over the last 5 years, the media’s obsession with racy, obscene, or insensitive Halloween costumes has reached an all-time high, and I think the government felt it was finally time to jump in and regulate the situation, I personally think the law is brilliant and I welcome it with open arms. They are just in the nick of time before Halloween this year. I’m glad they didn’t hold out until next Halloween. This is definitely an issue that needed to be nipped in the bud.”

In this morning’s press conference from the White House, it was announced that the federal government will be working closely with local law enforcement everywhere to ensure 100% compliance of the new regulation. It has been reported that local police will be “dropping by” all costume parties to ensure that everyone’s having a blast while wearing appropriate attire. It has been made very clear that no warnings will be issued; anybody out of code will be spending the night on the cold floor of their local jail and could be facing fines of upwards of $950.

Though a full list of approved costumes has not been released, the law clearly outlines, if you are Caucasian you are not to dress in any way that imitates or pokes fun at Blacks, Indians (of any kind), Mexicans, Gypsies, or Asians. It is unclear if rich white folks can dress as ‘Poor White Trash.’ The law also states that African-American citizens will be permitted to dress as President Obama, however caucasian citizens cannot. It was said, though, that anyone of any race or ethnicity will be permitted to dress in costumes that poke fun at previous presidents Bush and Clinton.

Those that oppose the new law say that it seems to be discriminatory and directed only to the Caucasian population, as there are not clearly outlined regulations on what any other ethnicities are required to avoid.

A government spokesperson responded to the allegation by chuckling and saying “Oh man, people will complain about anything!”

Those hoping that the new seemingly heavy-handed regulation will be discarded by next year are in for a disappointment, as it’s been said an even stricter law is being drafted and should be passed by Halloween 2015.

New Hampshire Town Bans Halloween, Makes Trick-or-Treating Illegal

Posted on October 8, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LIVERMORE, New Hampshire –

Livermore, a small town in Grafton County, New Hampshire, has become national news today after town residents have voted to not only ban Halloween activities from their schools, but also to make the act of trick-or-treating illegal. The beloved activity for many children, held annually on October 31st, was officially made a misdemeanor within town limits on Wednesday.

Town mayor Bob Appel explained the decision to the press early Wednesday morning, saying that banning candy and Halloween from within the schools was ‘not enough’ to keep their children safe from ‘mental harm.’

“Halloween is a dangerous holiday, filled with Satan, Pagan rituals, and dirty, filthy mischievous acts,” said Appel. “For many years, children of this town were allowed to participate in Halloween parties at school, but with those parties the ghosts, goblins, demons, and other evil spirits that all go against the Bible. The younger kids were frightened, and the older kids wanted to know all about Halloween, and its sinister, anti-Christian beginnings.”

The town voted to ban Halloween parties from schools and other public establishments in 2005. This year, though, will mark the first time that trick-or-treating will be completely abolished within town limits.

“Anyone caught trick-or-treating, or any homes that try to give out candy, will be ticketed with solicitation charges, a misdemeanor,” said Appel. “For entertainment, children should sit at home and study the Bible, or work on school projects. Halloween is an unholy night that I, personally, am glad to have had a hand in stopping in our little town.”

“I hated that on Halloween, I almost felt obligated to give out candy, lest I be tricked with rolls of T.P in my trees,” said Margaret Hamilton, a resident in Livermore. “This year I can finally relax in peace, with no little hooligans to bother me. I’d rather just keep my children home than have them out there with others who could be expressing themselves dangerously through costume and satan worship.”

“Personally, I think it’s bulls—,” said Cassandra Peterson, mother of 3 boys in Livermore public schools. “I love Halloween, and so do my boys. We all loved dressing up, watching scary movies, and going out for candy. Hell, we’re not even Christian. I guess we’ll head over a town or two and trick-or-treat there. They can’t ban it everywhere.”

“Just add Livermore to the top of the list of safe, Halloween-free towns,” said Appel. “You’ll never find poison candy or a razor blade in an apple here like you do in those other towns, that’s for sure.”

Obama Admits To Forging Birth Certificate; President Not Natural-Born U.S. Citizen

Posted on September 26, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

It looks as though many Republicans and ‘birthers’ were right all along. In a press conference this morning from the White House, President Obama admitted that he had forged his birth certificate, and that he was not a natural-born U.S. citizen.

“It’s true that I was not born here in this great country,” said the President in his speech. “That does not mean, though, that I have not led us through some great times. I have fought hard to make sure we are protected. I almost single-handedly killed that son of a b—- bin Laden. I have driven us into, and then right back out of, a horrible recession. I knew what needed to be done to get to where I am, and so I had to make it happen.”

President Obama has been the talk of many conspiracy theories over the course of his presidency, beginning while he was still running for office. At one point in time, a poll showed that over 50% of people in the Republican party thought that Obama had forged his birth certificate, and that he was not constitutionally allowed to be president. These people, often referred to as ‘birthers’, hold onto one of several theories, including that the president was born in Kenya, that he is a dual US/UK citizen, or that he is of Indonesian citizenship. The rumors and theories became so bad that in 2008, President Obama released what is now being found to be a forged birth certificate, stating he was born in Hawaii.

“I had to do what I did to become president,” continued Obama. “Yes, the birth certificate is a forgery. No, I was not born in Hawaii – my God, do I even look like I was born in Hawaii? Don’t answer that, actually. Regardless – as your elected leader, I plan to continue to run this country the best that I can for the remainder of my term, and prove to everyone that a strong leader can come from anywhere, and still take over this great land.”

Before the announcement, President Obama went through the motions of giving himself an executive pardon, making it impossible to stand accountable for breaking the law, something that until this presidency, no one had ever considered possible.

“I have pardoned myself for my crimes, and for lying to the country,” said the President. “Therefore, I will not be able to be arrested or taken into custody. In the eyes of our great judicial system, I have now done nothing wrong.”

Despite the shock of the announcement, and the surprise of the pardon, many reporters at the White House were still wondering where Obama was actually born, if the entire time his birth certificate had just been a ruse.

“I am so glad that you asked that,” said Obama. “To be truthful – no, I am not from this great nation. Nor was I born in Kenya. To be fair, I am actually not even of this world. I come from a distant planet, known as Garlarktaschpel, which when translated to English becomes ‘Change.’ I am, indeed, the most illegal kind of alien there is.”

“I have tried to tell you all from the beginning that ‘Change’ was coming, and I am making this announcement now to let you know that ‘Change’ is very near. My people, the Changers, are nearing Earth. We are coming. The Changers will bring life to those who deserve it, and death to the remaining. It will be The Rapture. It will be the end for most. If you thought you feared ‘Change’ before, then just wait for what’s coming.”

High School Gym Teacher Suspended For Forcing Girls To Play ‘Shirts vs. Skins’ Games

Posted on September 25, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LEE, Massachusetts –

School officials at Hardin High School in Lee, Massachusetts are trying to handle a whirlwind of a media storm, after word got out this past week of their school’s gym teacher forcing the girls in his class to play basketball, dodgeball, volleyball, and other sports as “shirts versus skins” games.

Greg Creek, a new hire at the school this year, was put on a temporary suspension while the superintendent of schools, as well as the school principal and local police department, looked into the case.

“We are extremely disturbed that one of our teachers would be forcing girls to play sports topless. It is highly disrespectful and I’m pretty sure it’s mostly illegal, as several of the girls in Mr. Creek’s class were underage,” said Superintendent of Schools Melissa Dyer.

Creek, 36, has been a coach or a gym teacher at a number of New England schools over the last decade, and was most recently let go by a school in Concord, New Hampshire, for separating the homosexual students in his classes from the other students. It was reported that he would force the students to do arts and crafts, sewing or “other gay activities,” as opposed to the sports and games the rest of the class would partake in.

When asked why Creek, who had such a spotty record, would be hired at Hardin School, Dyer said that she was not made aware until recently why Creek had been let go by his previous employers, and only that he portrayed himself as a great teacher with a lot of great ideas to keep the kids healthy and active.

“He also wasn’t a scary, militant lesbian, which is what we have predominantly have had in the past for our physical education teachers. Generally our gym teachers haven’t been well liked by the students in the past,” said Dyer.

Students in Creek’s classes seemed to be un-phased by being forced to play topless in gym class. Several of the girls even claim that once they started being selected for the “skins” teams, their popularity in school went up significantly.

Molly Hamlin, 17, said that before Creek’s classes, she was a ‘nobody’ to the other students at Hardin. “I used to be, like, the invisible girl here at Hardin. People thought I was like, a freak or something, I guess. I didn’t have a lot of friends,” Said Hamlin, a senior. “Once Mr. Creek started forcing us into the shirts and skins games, boys started noticing me a lot more. I guess once my shirt came off and they got to see what they were missing out on, they actually noticed me. My Friday nights are always booked now. I’m so thankful for Mr. Creek!”

Parents are outraged, though, at Creek’s behavior, and most are calling for not only his job, but his literal head on a platter.

“This kind of disgusting pervertism cannot be tolerated,” said Regina George, murdering the English language. “I am the mother of 3 young, teen girls here, and I can’t believe that we have this man oogling our children’s dirty pillows. I am sickened. 2 of my girls, Katie and Felicity are not, well, you know – endowed. Now my girls have spats at home all the time, because my oldest, Samantha, gets all the attention from the boys at school. These games have ruined their self-esteem and their social lives.”

So far, Creek himself has not commented publicly, except to say that he was not doing anything wrong. “We just didn’t have enough colored jerseys to go around, so I improvised. It was not sexual at all. At least not as far as I was concerned,” said Creek in a prepared statement via his lawyer.

Currently, Creek will be on a multi-week suspension with pay until school officials decide what to do about his position. As of this writing, no legal charges had been filed by the school district or the parents of any of the students. Curiously, no one within the school offices, or parents of any children, seemed phased by the fact that Creek also forced boys into participating in the activities while bottomless.

Congress Proposes Ban On Out-of-Country Destination Weddings

Posted on September 7, 2014 by DvanL

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Amid controversy and facing the lowest approval rating in history, members of the U.S. Congress begrudgingly cut short their summer recess and returned to Washington one week early, in order to pass a number of emergency measures.

“The growing conflict in the Middle East, and our own economic crisis closer to home mean that we all have to make sacrifices,” said Speaker of the House John Boehner, appearing paler than usual. “My golf vacation was cut short, so I spent less time in the sun,” he said. “That was my sacrifice. The President still has not managed to pull us out of the deepest recession we’ve ever faced, no matter how many bills he sends down to us that we refuse to act upon.”

One proposed economy-saving measure causing a great deal of uproar is H.R. 7643, The Defense of Domestic Marriage Destination Act, introduced the day after Labor Day. The bill prohibits destination weddings that take place outside the borders of the United States and its territories in an effort to keep revenue from enriching other countries.

“We’re losing billions of dollars each year because self-centered newlyweds, mostly liberals, refuse to keep American money inside America,” said Rep. Steve King, Republican from Iowa’s 4^th District. Airplanes, hotels, food – all of this capital is being outsourced to foreign countries, and these are just ‘tip-of-the-iceberg’ issues,” he added. “That’s why I came back early from my vacation trip to Spain.”

In 2013, the U.S. wedding industry generated $51 billion in revenue, according to the financial journal Revenue Tracker.

According to Brides Magazine, wedding photographers, lawn chair manufacturers, spray tan technicians, gown designers, shoe dyers, and ring bearer/flower girl trainers are just some of the 800,000 professionals employed by the domestic wedding industry each year.

Brides’ executive editor Connie Nast says, “This is not the right way to go about fixing the economy. If I were a bride today, forced with the prospect of keeping my marriage domestic,” says Nast, “I would be absolutely livid with rage. The government has no right to put restrictions on where and when married couples should have the most stressful and happiest day of their lives. I was married in London, and it was magnificent.”

New York City bride-to-be Tara Faulkner had this to say, while at her final fitting at Brooklyn’s famous Kleinfeld Bridal. “Nobody, not nobody, and that includes the President, or even the executive director of Congress or whatever she calls herself – Pelosi, Mary Pelosi I think is her name – well, she’s not going to tell me what to do. I’m a U.S. citizen of America and if I choose to take my money out of my country, then that’s nobody’s damn business but my own!”

“It’s going to be a rough ride,” said Boehner, as he conferred with aides on plans and strategies for the upcoming last session of the 113^th Congress.

Boehner will be meeting with members of Washington’s powerful bridal lobby later in the week. “Yup,” the Speaker sighed, “vacation’s over.”

Arizona To Confine Immigrants In ‘Americanization Camps’

Posted on August 24, 2014 by mike the inkman

PHOENIX, Arizona –

The State of Arizona is in the news this week with what experts are saying is the most racist piece of legislation since World War II. Already known for their harsh anti-immigration stance and for the kooky escapades of Sheriff Joe Arpaio, the state is taking things a step further with a new law requiring that all immigrants must spend time in ‘Americanization Camps’ where they will learn English, and be quarantined temporarily to ensure that they aren’t introducing any diseases into America. ‘Sheriff Joe’, who had little to do with the law, does happen to be a big supporter.

“Hell yes I support this law! This is America, contrary to what the popular belief is these days, and if you want to live here, you had damn well better act like an American. There is no reason whatsoever that citizens of this country should have to tiptoe around and learn the language of an immigrating culture. I’ve heard grumblings from the Indian population about European immigrants, and to be honest, they’re one hundred percent correct. If we handle this influx of Mexicans in the same passive way that the Indians handled the Europeans, we’ll suffer the same fate that they did. We’ll be overrun and bred out. That is why this idea of ‘assimilation before citizenship’ appeals to me.”

Basically, the law states that all immigrants who will reside in Arizona will be ‘confined and educated’ for an undetermined amount of time. Supporters of the law claim that the confinement will not be unpleasant, and that the faster they learn the language and customs, the faster they will be released into society. Opponents of the law are uneasy with the ‘undetermined amount of time’ that the immigrants will be detained.

“It’s a slippery slope,” Said State Senator Maria Lopez. “How long before this gets abused? Imprisoning people for no other reason than their ethnicity is not just wrong, it’s illegal.”

The Law is set to go into effect on January 1st, 2015, provided that it isn’t declared unconstitutional by congress. The American Civil Liberties Union has major concerns with setting such a dangerous precedent.

“We plan to do everything in our power to ensure that this racist, garbage legislation is overturned,” Said Gerald Brewster, President of the Arizona chapter of the ACLU. “This is worse than the Japanese internment camps in the forties. At least there was a war then, a legitimate fear. It doesn’t excuse it, but at least there was some reason for the hysteria. This law is based solely on racial prejudice. It is completely disgusting.”

Sheriff Joe just laughs about the liberal concerns.

“They always worry so much about the rights of people who haven’t earned any rights. They cried when I put prisoners in tents in the desert. Well, those guys get out of there and they don’t want to come back. Plus it saves big money for the taxpayers that actually follow the laws. This law will do lots of good if it is allowed to do its job.”

New Massachusetts Law Makes Talking On Cell Phones In Public Illegal

Posted on August 10, 2014 by JP

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

A law has been passed in Massachusetts this past Friday which seeks to end the ‘rudeness and distractions’ created by people who excessively use their phones in public. The new law, which was signed by state governor Deval Patrick, will impose a fine of to $200 dollars for cell phone use in public locations such as restaurants, movie theaters, and schools.

The law was voted into place by the Massachusetts state representatives after numerous complaints by the public about noise pollution in public areas, acts of violence, and the general ‘distracted nature’ that comes from a person who is using their phone and not paying attention to their surroundings.

Part of the law was introduced in 2009, when the state made it illegal to text while driving. In 2011, the state created an addendum that stated it was also illegal to talk on the phone while driving, unless you were using a hands-free device.

“We knew that using the phone while driving was creating distractions and accidents,” said Governor Patrick. “Sadly, accidents aren’t just happening while driving. We’ve had reports of everything from people falling into open manholes to getting hit by cars to getting into fights after one person runs into another, all because these folks were too distracted by their call to notice their surroundings. These are the reasons we’ve created this new law.”

People who work in the restaurant industry and other fields of luxury reportedly couldn’t be happier with the new law.

“I can’t even begin to tell you how much it sucks to have to take an order from somebody who can’t even look you in the face because they are too busy chatting on their phones,” said Christine Mosier, a waitress at a Boston-area Ruby Tuesday restaurant. “First they come in talking, and they are always too busy on their phones to even place an order, then they yell because service takes too long. On top of that, I get complaints from one table saying that a nearby patron is speaking too loudly, and then ironically, that other patron will say the same about them. Just leave your phones in your car or your pocket and enjoy your meal for crying out loud.”

The state government has worked closely will all cell phone carriers to help impose the fines.

“Unlike a normal law where we’d arrest you or give you a ticket, these fines can be imposed by an officer and charged directly to your carrier. This way, if you refuse to pay your fines, your phone will be shut off due to the non-payment,” said Patrick. “In this way, we can force repeat offenders to think twice before breaking the law – or else they won’t have any way to break it in the first place.”

Several states are watching Massachusetts closely to see how the new law plays out. New Jersey, New York, and Connecticut are also considering enacting similar laws that would keep their streets ‘clean of the noise’ of flagrant cell phone users.

The new law was signed into order on Friday. It goes into effect on October 1st, 2014.

Obama Signs Executive Order Amending Constitution, Allows Unlimited Terms As President

Posted on August 10, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama has signed an executive order that seeks to amend the constitution, changing the listed terms a president can serve from the current two to an ‘unlimited’ amount. With support from Congress, the president signed the order with the intent of running for a third term in 2016.

“The people of this great nation deserve a leader that works for them,” said President Obama in a statement from the White House. “The change I promised during my first race is coming soon. It is very hard to un-do all the faults of your predecessor in only 4 short years. That is why I ran again, and you have elected me again for another 4 years. But even 8 years can sometimes not be enough time. So that is why, with the support of the U.S. Congress, I have exercised my rights of executive to sign this order, which will amend the Constitution of the United States, and allow for an unlimited number of terms as President.”

In 1940, Franklin Roosevelt won his third term as president. After bringing the country through the Great Depression and almost all of WWII, Roosevelt became one of the most popular presidents in US history. After his third term was completed, Roosevelt actually went on to win his fourth term, but died shortly afterwards. Upon his death, Congress drafted the 22nd amendment to the US Constitution, which states that a president can only serve two elected terms, for a total of 8 years.

“At the time this article was written, it was important to the structure and future of this great country,” said President Obama. “The United States had gone through tough times, and in 1947, after the death of Roosevelt, Congress decided that we needed this amendment to avoid a monarchy in this country. I am not seeking to be the King of the United States. I simply wish to try again, to run again, to continue the good work that I have done for this country.”

President Obama said that despite the changes being made to the 22nd amendment which allow him and any future president to serve unlimited terms, it does not change the fact that the office of President must be secured by vote.

“Either myself or any future man or woman who serves as President of this great country may now choose to run indefinite terms, but that does not mean that the people, whom we dutifully serve, will always vote to elect the same person,” said Obama.

The ratification was signed into order on Friday. As of the time of this writing, President Obama had not officially announced his intentions to run for a third term in 2016, but sources from within the White House say the announcement should be made soon.

Man Uses Loophole In Gay Marriage Laws To Wed German Shepherd

Posted on August 7, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

AUGUSTA, Maine –

A Maine resident, 34-year-old Charles DeMar, has discovered a loophole in his state’s gay marriage laws that have allowed him to legally wed his 2-year-old German Shepherd mix, Jake. DeMar bought Jake from a shelter a little over a year ago, and he says that they have been inseparable ever since.

“I love Jake more than I have ever loved anyone in the world,” said DeMar, a retail manager for a large big-box chain. “I’m not homosexual, myself. I’ve never really been attracted to any man or woman that I’ve known. When I adopted Jake, I was lonely. I haven’t been lonely since.”

According to the wording of laws in most states where gay marriage has been legalized, a man or woman may marry someone of the same sex, and be granted the same rights and privileges as that of heterosexual couples. The laws in Maine, which voted to legalize same-sex marriages in 2012, are worded slightly differently, allowing DeMar to legally wed his canine pal.

“In Maine, we made the mistake of saying that any male can marry another male, or female can marry female, and be granted the rights of marriage,” said David Klein, a representative for the Maine State Bar Association. “Because it does not say man and man, but rather male and male, Mr. DeMar was able to apply for and receive his marriage license at his local town hall.”

Normally, laws would also be worded to include statements about both parties being mentally fit and able to sign the marriage certificate, which is a legally binding document.

“That wasn’t the case in Maine, either,” said DeMar. “I really looked into a lot before we went through with this. I signed my name, and Jake really did put his paw into some ink and I had him step on the certificate. I think he knows that we’re married. He gave me sloppy kisses right there at the town hall in front of the notary public.”

Officials for the Maine State Attorney General say that they are working with the local and state government agencies to re-word the law as quickly as possible, before anyone else uses the loophole to wed their pets.

“This was an oversight on our part that is bringing us disturbing attention,” said Klein. “You can bet that the laws will be rescinded and changed as quickly as possible.”

“I’m just so happy that I was able to make this happen,” said DeMar. “Unfortunately, Maine state law is extremely strict on the acts of bestiality, so I refuse to elaborate on whether or not we have consummated our relationship. I will say, though, that neither myself or Jake have ever been ones to ‘follow the rules,’ if you know what I mean.”

New Texas Law Makes Homosexuality Illegal

Posted on August 4, 2014 by JP

HOUSTON, Texas –

Shocking news coming out of Texas today after a law has been passed making it illegal to be a homosexual throughout the state. The law was passed on Friday and took effect Monday morning.

The law first began to form after a local Houston police officer saw his 7-year-old son kiss a fellow male friend on the mouth while playing in their backyard. When asked why he kissed the other boy he replied, that he had “seen it on TV.”

“I certainly punished him after I saw that,” said the officer, who wishes to remain anonymous. “No more TV, and you can bet your ass he got the belt. I’ll smack the gay right outta that boy.”

Outraged by the event in his backyard, the officer took to the court rooms knocking down door-after-door until eventually getting into the right ears and helping to get the law passed.

“Homosexuality is an outrage,” said the officer. “Television gets into our the heads of our children, and it isn’t fair. I had to make sure that I stopped it in its tracks. I don’t blame TV, I blame this country and its flagrant homosexuality. Everywhere you look there are gays touching and kissing and holding hands. Rather than educating my son or letting him be who he wants to be, I had to make the hard decision and make sure he turns out straight. Either he does, or he’ll end up behind bars.”

Many establishments, such as The Rusty Hammer and The Texas Wiener, two of Dallas’ biggest gay bars, are also being forced to have a change of theme, or the state will be looking at shutting them down.

Representatives from the state government have yet to comment publicly on the new law, but they do claim that it was something many Texans had been hoping would happen for ages.

“It’s about time these homos were stopped from being able to touch each other,” said Milton Charles, a resident of Austin. “We don’t need the gays out there, threatening our way of life, and teaching our children it’s okay to be gay. Sodomy is disgusting. I can’t imagine how anyone would want that.”

After being informed that the definition of sodomy actually included any form of “unnatural,” sex, and that technically that would also include any oral sex he received from his wife, he commented further on what he says is “truly disturbing” sexual acts.

“Well clearly I meant the gay-sodomoy when I said that,” said Charles. “What I do in the privacy of my house ain’t nobody’s business. But the gays, they shouldn’t be doing that s—.”

Several men have been arrested since the law was enacted this morning, but so far no women have been brought in on charges.