Federal Government To Impose 3 Marriage Limit

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a landmark decision, congress has ruled that citizens of the United States would be entitled to a maximum of 3 marriages, citing the excessive divorce rate that has burdened the nation.

“Plenty of people have gotten married multiple times, and it’s silly and absurd,” said congressman Joel Mitchell (R – Georgia). “Marriage should be a one-time-only event. You get married, and you stay with that person forever. I will admit that sometimes, marriages don’t work. I’ll even let someone get in a second marriage. It was the members of congress that voted, and set the limit at 3.”

According to Mitchell, the new law would not in anyway affect those that have had more than 3 marriages and are currently single, they just would no longer be able to get married again. For those people who are in the 4th or higher marriage, the union would become automatically annulled.

“We want people who are in marriages that are rocky to work things out, not just call it quits,” said Mitchell. “We hope that, in time, people understand that marriage isn’t a game, and that you can’t just walk out when the game gets tough.”

Congress Proposes Ban On Out-of-Country Destination Weddings

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Congress Proposes Ban On Out-of-Country Destination Weddings

Amid controversy and facing the lowest approval rating in history, members of the U.S. Congress begrudgingly cut short their summer recess and returned to Washington one week early, in order to pass a number of emergency measures.

“The growing conflict in the Middle East, and our own economic crisis closer to home mean that we all have to make sacrifices,” said Speaker of the House John Boehner, appearing paler than usual.  “My golf vacation was cut short, so I spent less time in the sun,” he said.  “That was my sacrifice.  The President still has not managed to pull us out of the deepest recession we’ve ever faced, no matter how many bills he sends down to us that we refuse to act upon.”

One proposed economy-saving measure causing a great deal of uproar is H.R. 7643, The Defense of Domestic Marriage Destination Act, introduced the day after Labor Day.  The bill prohibits destination weddings that take place outside the borders of the United States and its territories in an effort to keep revenue from enriching other countries.

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“We’re losing billions of dollars each year because self-centered newlyweds, mostly liberals, refuse to keep American money inside America,” said Rep. Steve King, Republican from Iowa’s 4th District.  Airplanes, hotels, food – all of this capital is being outsourced to foreign countries, and these are just ‘tip-of-the-iceberg’ issues,” he added.  “That’s why I came back early from my vacation trip to Spain.”

In 2013, the U.S. wedding industry generated $51 billion in revenue, according to the financial journal Revenue Tracker.

According to Brides Magazine, wedding photographers, lawn chair manufacturers, spray tan technicians, gown designers, shoe dyers, and ring bearer/flower girl trainers are just some of the 800,000 professionals employed by the domestic wedding industry each year.

Brides’ executive editor Connie Nast says, “This is not the right way to go about fixing the economy.  If I were a bride today, forced with the prospect of keeping my marriage domestic,” says Nast, “I would be absolutely livid with rage.  The government has no right to put restrictions on where and when married couples should have the most stressful and happiest day of their lives.  I was married in London, and it was magnificent.”

New York City bride-to-be Tara Faulkner had this to say, while at her final fitting at Brooklyn’s famous Kleinfeld Bridal.  “Nobody, not nobody, and that includes the President, or even the executive director of Congress or whatever she calls herself – Pelosi, Mary Pelosi I think is her name – well, she’s not going to tell me what to do.  I’m a U.S. citizen of America and if I choose to take my money out of my country, then that’s nobody’s damn business but my own!”

“It’s going to be a rough ride,” said Boehner, as he conferred with aides on plans and strategies for the upcoming last session of the 113th Congress.

Boehner will be meeting with members of Washington’s powerful bridal lobby later in the week.  “Yup,” the Speaker sighed, “vacation’s over.”

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