New York Becomes First State to Legalize Gay Republicans

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New York Becomes First State to Legalize Gay Republicans

NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

In a landmark ruling in the New York Supreme Court, the progressive state will be the first in the US to legalize gay Republicans. The ruling is in response to years of activism from all three of the gay Republican senators in the state, including a protest which made use of a tear-jerking viral video showing gay elephants humping.

“We’re delighted at this huge step forward,” said the leader of the three, Bono Williams. “It’s been a long time coming, and we’re relieved that we can finally be acknowledged in living a lifestyle that for centuries has been seen as immoral and unlawful.”

Chair of the LGBTI Rights Foundation of New York, Pepper Staysoft, applauded the courage of the three unique freedom fighters.

“Everyone deserves their liberty, and gay Republicans are a group who have long had their rights neglected,” Staysoft wrote. “Yes, it affects only a tiny proportion of the population, but for those three people the ruling will be life-changing.”

The ruling is another victory for supporters of the right for bi-partisan sexual preferences and, according to Bono Williams, sets a precedent for future political freedoms.

Speaker of the US House of Representatives, Republican John Boehner, said however that its another step in the “erosion of the moral stature of our country. I have nothing against homosexuals. Some of my best friends are homosexuals. But allowing the recognition of gay Republicans compromises the sanctity of Republicanism. How are our children meant to grow up into proud conservatives when their role models are liberal anarchists?”

Other Republicans disagreed with Boehner’s sentiments and expressed their approval of the decision.

“I think it’s great for those folks,” said 2012 presidential candidate Mitt Romney. “From what I understand, homosexual simply means ‘A member of the primate genus Homo, especially a member of the species Homo sapiens, distinguished from other apes by a large brain and the capacity for speech’, and I see no reason why these individuals should be treated any differently by us heterosexuals.”

Democrats Invite Iranian President To Speak Before Congress ‘Just To Piss Off Republicans’

Democrats Invite Iranian President To Speak Before Congress 'Just To Piss Off Republicans'

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

In the latest round of exchanged animosities between the Republican and Democratic Parties, Barack Obama has officially invited Iranian president, Hassan Rouhani, to speak before Congress. The news comes in the wake of House Speaker, John Boehner, inviting Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu to speak in what is usually considered a ‘sacred’, constitutionally defended forum.

“We think it’s only appropriate that President Rouhani gets the same opportunity as Netanyahu,” Obama told a press conference. “After all, Netanyahu’s speech was designed as a defamation of Rouhani’s country. Also, we happen to know that the Republicans will hate this. Two can play at this game.”

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Political experts around the country have been frantically throwing their opinions at our reporters.

“Get ready for a fight night like never before!” said Rita Harlow. “I expect Boehner and Obama to get physical this time around.”

“Rouhani is gonna blow those Republicans away,” Noel Reed told us. “Not literally – I mean, not with a nuclear bomb or anything. I mean, oh God, I didn’t mean… I don’t know anything I promise!”

Congress has already been likened this week to a ‘high school’, a ‘neighborhood watch meeting’, and a ‘parents-teachers AGM’. The Republican invitation to Netanyahu – which was kept secret until all plans were finalised – was an unprecedented breach of protocol. All the more so, since Netanyahu’s agenda was apparent – as the speech coincided with the upcoming Israeli elections.

“We’re organizing new elections in Iran,” said minority leader Nancy Pelosi. “Our move has to be just as petty as theirs. Otherwise, they still have one up on us. Which is entirely unacceptable when dealing with petty politics.”

Iranian President Hassan Rouhani, for his part, has thanked the Democratic Party for inviting him to speak before Congress. Although his gracious acceptance did have one caveat.

“I’m delighted to have the opportunity to speak to Congress,” he said. “However, I want to ensure that no partisan politics are reflected in the decision. Otherwise, no deal. I will not compromise the stature of Iranian Democracy for the petty infighting of US politics.”

Tea Party Movement Dissolved, Party Officially Suspends All Activities

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Tea Party Movement Dissolved, Party Officially Suspends All Activities3

In what can only be described as unprecedented and earth-shattering political news, Tea Party Leaders have announced the official dissolution of the Tea Party Movement, and the end to Tea Party-approved candidates and sponsored political endorsements.

The bombshell announcement was issued through a joint press release from Marco Rubio, U.S. Senator for Florida, and Representative Ted Cruz (R-Texas).  The statement reads in part:

In recent months, growing tensions and increasing divisions within the party have led us to make the difficult but necessary decision to halt all Tea Party political activities. We just can’t keep up with all the nonsense we spew on a daily basis, and it’s gotten to the point where nobody even listens to our crap anymore. Once people stop listening, then the crap just seems that much…crappier. We have taken this action because we feel it is crucial for the future health and political success of our current and seriously divided mainstream GOP.

Over the last several years, there have been many setbacks to the Tea Party movement. Original Tea Party member Eric Cantor lost his bid for re-election in June 2014 to newcomer and college professor David Brat.  Florida Representative Allen West narrowly lost his bid for reelection to political novice Patrick Murphy in November 2012. Plus, former Alaska Governor and 2008 GOP Vice-Presidential Nominee Sarah Palin also aligned herself with the movement and remains highly vocal – which might be the biggest setback of all for the party.

The Tea Party unofficially got started during a February 2009 speech from the floor of the Chicago Mercantile Exchange when CNBC commentator Rick Santelli made reference to the original Boston Tea Party revolt of 1773.  Santelli proposed a Chicago ‘Tea Party’ style uprising to oppose government intrusion into the housing market.  At the time, President Barack Obama’s mortgage relief bailout plan faced widespread opposition and criticism.

A faction of the new party used racially-charged symbolism and rhetoric aimed directly at Barack Obama, the nation’s first African-American President, causing further divisions and contributing to the party’s demise.

“At a time when our GOP leadership was achieving limited success in attracting a more diverse base,” explained Rubio, “unfortunate events were taking place, with no clear direction toward party cohesion.  The sooner we get back to the work of repairing today’s GOP, the stronger the party and the entire nation will be.”

Current Speaker of the House John Boehner was reportedly against the move, but was overruled in what is seen as a further weakening of his political power and influence. Several members of the House were reportedly overjoyed by the decision for the group to disband. Others, though, were just concerned about whether or not they’d still be able to enjoy their Chai.

Congress Proposes Ban On Out-of-Country Destination Weddings

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Congress Proposes Ban On Out-of-Country Destination Weddings

Amid controversy and facing the lowest approval rating in history, members of the U.S. Congress begrudgingly cut short their summer recess and returned to Washington one week early, in order to pass a number of emergency measures.

“The growing conflict in the Middle East, and our own economic crisis closer to home mean that we all have to make sacrifices,” said Speaker of the House John Boehner, appearing paler than usual.  “My golf vacation was cut short, so I spent less time in the sun,” he said.  “That was my sacrifice.  The President still has not managed to pull us out of the deepest recession we’ve ever faced, no matter how many bills he sends down to us that we refuse to act upon.”

One proposed economy-saving measure causing a great deal of uproar is H.R. 7643, The Defense of Domestic Marriage Destination Act, introduced the day after Labor Day.  The bill prohibits destination weddings that take place outside the borders of the United States and its territories in an effort to keep revenue from enriching other countries.

“We’re losing billions of dollars each year because self-centered newlyweds, mostly liberals, refuse to keep American money inside America,” said Rep. Steve King, Republican from Iowa’s 4th District.  Airplanes, hotels, food – all of this capital is being outsourced to foreign countries, and these are just ‘tip-of-the-iceberg’ issues,” he added.  “That’s why I came back early from my vacation trip to Spain.”

In 2013, the U.S. wedding industry generated $51 billion in revenue, according to the financial journal Revenue Tracker.

According to Brides Magazine, wedding photographers, lawn chair manufacturers, spray tan technicians, gown designers, shoe dyers, and ring bearer/flower girl trainers are just some of the 800,000 professionals employed by the domestic wedding industry each year.

Brides’ executive editor Connie Nast says, “This is not the right way to go about fixing the economy.  If I were a bride today, forced with the prospect of keeping my marriage domestic,” says Nast, “I would be absolutely livid with rage.  The government has no right to put restrictions on where and when married couples should have the most stressful and happiest day of their lives.  I was married in London, and it was magnificent.”

New York City bride-to-be Tara Faulkner had this to say, while at her final fitting at Brooklyn’s famous Kleinfeld Bridal.  “Nobody, not nobody, and that includes the President, or even the executive director of Congress or whatever she calls herself – Pelosi, Mary Pelosi I think is her name – well, she’s not going to tell me what to do.  I’m a U.S. citizen of America and if I choose to take my money out of my country, then that’s nobody’s damn business but my own!”

“It’s going to be a rough ride,” said Boehner, as he conferred with aides on plans and strategies for the upcoming last session of the 113th Congress.

Boehner will be meeting with members of Washington’s powerful bridal lobby later in the week.  “Yup,” the Speaker sighed, “vacation’s over.”

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