Netanyahu Secures Election Victory, Ready To Resume Guessing What U.S. Wants

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Netanyahu Ready to Resume Saying What He Thinks US Wants After Securing Election Victory

JERUSALEM, Israel – 

Benjamin Netanyahu has been strongly criticised regarding statements he made immediately prior to the Israeli elections last week. He expressed definitively that the touted Two State Solution would not occur “on [his] watch”. Additionally, he warned right-wingers that Arabs were “coming out in droves” to vote, and that they must counter that; a statement that had not so subtle racist undertones.

But Netanyahu characteristically responded powerfully this week, in an apparent return to the status quo of saying just enough to appease the US government and keep up relations between the two nations. He swiftly denied he had abandoned the Two State Solution, despite recorded evidence of him having done so. He also apologized for being racist, saying “some of my best subjects are Arabs”.

Political analysts responded with an atypical disinterest to the Israeli Prime Minister’s remarks. According to them, the whole process was “tediously predictable”.

“Everyone knew he’d pander to right-winger in order to win essential votes to keep him in power,” said NBC’s Hunter Worthington. “Of course, he could not stand by those comments without drastically damaging Israeli-US relations, which let’s be honest – Israel needs us more than we need them.”

John Oliver, presenter of weekly HBO satire Last Week Tonight, was far more ebullient in his coverage of Netanyahu’s obvious political manoeuvring.

“If he gets away with this, he should be known as NetanyaHou-dini,” the British anchor said. Oliver is known to pull no punches, even when it comes to important US officials and allies, and more is expected from him on this front.

“I think we can expect John [Oliver] to mock Netanyahu’s future comments that he treasures his relationship with President Obama; his commitment to the safety of the Arab population in the Occupied Territories; as well as his assertions that he actually plans to work towards a peace that involves Palestinian statehood while opposing it in the UN.”

Democrats Invite Iranian President To Speak Before Congress ‘Just To Piss Off Republicans’

Democrats Invite Iranian President To Speak Before Congress 'Just To Piss Off Republicans'

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

In the latest round of exchanged animosities between the Republican and Democratic Parties, Barack Obama has officially invited Iranian president, Hassan Rouhani, to speak before Congress. The news comes in the wake of House Speaker, John Boehner, inviting Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu to speak in what is usually considered a ‘sacred’, constitutionally defended forum.

“We think it’s only appropriate that President Rouhani gets the same opportunity as Netanyahu,” Obama told a press conference. “After all, Netanyahu’s speech was designed as a defamation of Rouhani’s country. Also, we happen to know that the Republicans will hate this. Two can play at this game.”

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Political experts around the country have been frantically throwing their opinions at our reporters.

“Get ready for a fight night like never before!” said Rita Harlow. “I expect Boehner and Obama to get physical this time around.”

“Rouhani is gonna blow those Republicans away,” Noel Reed told us. “Not literally – I mean, not with a nuclear bomb or anything. I mean, oh God, I didn’t mean… I don’t know anything I promise!”

Congress has already been likened this week to a ‘high school’, a ‘neighborhood watch meeting’, and a ‘parents-teachers AGM’. The Republican invitation to Netanyahu – which was kept secret until all plans were finalised – was an unprecedented breach of protocol. All the more so, since Netanyahu’s agenda was apparent – as the speech coincided with the upcoming Israeli elections.

“We’re organizing new elections in Iran,” said minority leader Nancy Pelosi. “Our move has to be just as petty as theirs. Otherwise, they still have one up on us. Which is entirely unacceptable when dealing with petty politics.”

Iranian President Hassan Rouhani, for his part, has thanked the Democratic Party for inviting him to speak before Congress. Although his gracious acceptance did have one caveat.

“I’m delighted to have the opportunity to speak to Congress,” he said. “However, I want to ensure that no partisan politics are reflected in the decision. Otherwise, no deal. I will not compromise the stature of Iranian Democracy for the petty infighting of US politics.”

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