Netanyahu Secures Election Victory, Ready To Resume Guessing What U.S. Wants

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Netanyahu Ready to Resume Saying What He Thinks US Wants After Securing Election Victory

JERUSALEM, Israel – 

Benjamin Netanyahu has been strongly criticised regarding statements he made immediately prior to the Israeli elections last week. He expressed definitively that the touted Two State Solution would not occur “on [his] watch”. Additionally, he warned right-wingers that Arabs were “coming out in droves” to vote, and that they must counter that; a statement that had not so subtle racist undertones.

But Netanyahu characteristically responded powerfully this week, in an apparent return to the status quo of saying just enough to appease the US government and keep up relations between the two nations. He swiftly denied he had abandoned the Two State Solution, despite recorded evidence of him having done so. He also apologized for being racist, saying “some of my best subjects are Arabs”.

Political analysts responded with an atypical disinterest to the Israeli Prime Minister’s remarks. According to them, the whole process was “tediously predictable”.

“Everyone knew he’d pander to right-winger in order to win essential votes to keep him in power,” said NBC’s Hunter Worthington. “Of course, he could not stand by those comments without drastically damaging Israeli-US relations, which let’s be honest – Israel needs us more than we need them.”

John Oliver, presenter of weekly HBO satire Last Week Tonight, was far more ebullient in his coverage of Netanyahu’s obvious political manoeuvring.

“If he gets away with this, he should be known as NetanyaHou-dini,” the British anchor said. Oliver is known to pull no punches, even when it comes to important US officials and allies, and more is expected from him on this front.

“I think we can expect John [Oliver] to mock Netanyahu’s future comments that he treasures his relationship with President Obama; his commitment to the safety of the Arab population in the Occupied Territories; as well as his assertions that he actually plans to work towards a peace that involves Palestinian statehood while opposing it in the UN.”

‘Political Vigilante’ Removes Campaign Signs From Public Areas

DULUTH, Minnesota – Political 'Vigilante' Removes Campaign Signs From Public Areas

Across the entire country, political and campaign signs begin being stuck into grounds in late September and early October, gearing up for a very-public election season. Homeowners who want to show support for their party candidate or candidates often put signs in front of their own homes. Business owners often stupidly do the same, cutting off half of their clientele by openly displaying a preference to one candidate or another. The rest of the signs, though, are placed – and usually overly saturated – on public roadsides, town squares, and anywhere else there may be a tuft of grass to prop a sign.

Although nearly every town in the country has laws against placing these ‘election litter’ signs on public property, few get removed, as towns don’t have the time or money to send someone to toss them. Because of this, one Duluth, Minnesota man has taken the problem into his own hands, and has gone out every night for the last two weeks, removing hundreds and hundreds of political ads and signs that have been strewn across his hometown.

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“To be quite honest, the signs are just ugly, and it’s some straight-up bulls— that they are strewn all around, cluttering up the scenery,” said Carl Meadows, who Duluth residents are calling their ‘political vigilante.’ “No one likes these signs. They are just stupid. I also can’t figure out what the point of them really is. If you’re a Republican, you’re probably going to vote Republican. Ditto that for Democrats. Everyone else votes for their candidate of choice. There is no one – and I mean no one – throughout the history of time, who has voted based on who had more signs littering the town.”

Meadows, 53, has lived in Duluth his entire life, and he says he never remembers the littering done by the campaign teams to be as bad as it’s gotten the last few years.

“Two years ago, I spent the day mowing and cleaning up my yard. I went to bed, pretty proud of how my yard looked after a hard day out there. The next morning, I woke up, and there were 14 campaign signs in my yard. I nearly burst a vein I was so damn angry.”

Meadows is not alone in his hatred for the signs. Many residents in most towns say that they are ‘disturbed’ by how much trash these elections really create.

“It’s really just too in-your-face, you know?” said Eileen James, a Duluth resident. “We are bombarded by stupid ads on TV, then we leave our homes, and every other house and business has a sign. I don’t fault an individual for wanting to support a candidate, and what you do to your own property is your business. But I tell you, these politicians use their constituents as a dick-swinging contest. ‘Oh, whoever puts out the most signs has the bigger political penis.’ It’s asinine.”

According to research by the Political Research and Knowledge Foundation in Boston, no person has ever seen a political ad or campaign sign and changed their mind about who they were voting for. Their research shows that anyone who is that stupid probably shouldn’t have been considering the idea of voting in the first place.

Congress Approves Bill That Will Offer Free Automobiles To Welfare Recipients

WASHINGTON, D.C. –  Congress Approves Bill That Will Offer Free Automobiles To Welfare Recipients

Yesterday the White House announced its plan to offer free motor vehicles to welfare recipients, after congress passed the bill in a narrow vote. The program, initiated by President Barrack Obama, is very similar to what is now widely known to the public as “The Obama Phone,” where welfare recipients can get free cell phone service through a subsidized program. Some are even already referring to the free vehicle program as “The Obama Car.”

White House press secretary Josh Earnest announced the launching of the program in a late press briefing yesterday evening. “The free automobile program gives low-income Americans the opportunity to take ownership of a vehicle at no cost, and will also include a monthly gas card for $100. Any United States Citizen receiving welfare benefits qualifies for the program, which will be starting on January 5, 2015.” said Earnest.

Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell told reporters that this will be the downfall of President Obama. “This absurd plan that the democrats have conjured up is beyond belief. I have no idea how or why congress passed this. But I will tell you this, it is the beginning of the end for the Obama administration, Americans are fed up, and they are being called to the post,” McConnell said. “It is only a matter of time before the impeachment hearings begin, mark my words.”

Earnest said in the briefing that the campaign is intended to help unemployed Americans find secure employment, and ultimately will cause the unemployment rate to drop significantly. “Every American deserves the right to possess the ability to get themselves to a good job. Public transportation is very limited for most of the unemployed, especially in rural areas. This free vehicle assistance program is designed to change the way Americans are currently living. The President will sign the bill later this week, and the planning will be put into motion.” Earnest said.

There is sure to be public outrage along with intense approval from American citizens. John Humphries, a Washington D.C. tourist from Huntsville, Alabama thought that news of the “Obama Car” program was a joke.

“You have got to be kidding me, I thought you were joking,” Humphries told Empire News correspondent DeVante Williamson. “What next? All we are doing is giving criminals and scum of the Earth the wheels to make their drug deals while using their Obama-phones to set the deals up. People who really want to work, find a way to get to work, they always have. The unemployed are just lazy and make zero effort to find steady work. They want the easy way out, and our so-called government gives it to them. This is ridiculous.”

Juanita Jenkins of Albany, New York disagrees. “I think it is an excellent thing our government is doing. There are plenty of unemployed Americans who just cannot get to a job. This is sure to improve the steadily improving economy. I am not on welfare myself, but I have been considering quitting my job and applying for assistance while I look for a  better job. I guess that means I’ll be in line for a car, too,” Jenkins said eagerly.

Earnest also told the press that the types of vehicles used for the program will be various American-made models,  older than five years, but no more than ten years old. Once welfare recipients receive their automobile they will be given a gas card similar to that of the food stamp (SNAP) card, which will be loaded monthly with $100 credit to be used at popular chain gas stations.

 

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