NEW YORK, New York –

The Statue Of Liberty was reported stolen by security guards early this morning after they watched helplessly as a choreographed fleet of stealthily painted, unmarked apache helicopters lifted Miss Liberty from her base at Liberty Island and carried her away. New York Police Department Commissioner Bill Bratton believes theft was “an act of terrorism” by France.

The incident occurred at approximately 4:30 am this morning. Security officer Bobby Grazia told reporters that he and the three other guards on duty, who work third shift, were eating hoagies for lunch when the event occurred.

“Me and the guys were eating lunch from a joint called Luigi’s, which was great by the way. They pack that meat in there so good, it’s like heaven. My father has been taking me there to eat since I’m two years old. Yo, anyway, yeah a whole flock of choppers just swooped right in and hauled her away. The lady, I mean, not my sub. We shined our flashlights at them and were yelling at them to get them to stop, I guess they didn’t hear us,” Grazia said.

Police Commissioner Bratton is not taking the news lightly. “It’s not anything we can’t get over, but it’s the point ya know? They stole our girl from us. France is responsible, I am sure of it, everybody knows France is a country of arrogant, pompous Indian givers. If we can’t get her back, we will rebuild better and stronger than ever. After all, that’s what we do here in this great city.