MIAMI, Florida –
Sacred Heart Hospital has confirmed that rapper Drake is among the four artists wounded when a SWAT team raided Lil Wayne’s home. Reports of a shooting at the Miami mansion were later revealed to be a hoax, by a still unidentified individual. Police teams stormed in, shooting “suspicious looking individuals”, who later turned out to be fellow partiers of Lil Wayne’s.
“Lil Wayne hangs out with all the other rappers, it seems,” said chief of homicide, Angel Batista. “They all have the same lifestyle and career, so why not spend all their time together? I think it’s sweet.”
Drake has spoken up from his hospital bed, decrying the ongoing paranoia that white cops have towards African Americans.
“This ain’t Ferguson. This is Miami!” he said. “They’s supposed to be liberals here. But they see a bunch of black dudes and start shooting. They must be held to account.”
Lil Jon is reportedly another rapper wounded in the police blunder, but friends say that he’ll hold no grudges.
“He knows he looks like a criminal,” said an anonymous source. “The teeth, the bling, the herrr. Erthin about him says jail time.”
Drake will be filing a lawsuit against Miami PD, but the force is expected to blame the “swatter.”
“We’re doing everything we can to find him,” said a member of the hoax and jokes department. “He’s caused injurious harm to four important contributors to society, and it wasn’t even funny. In fact, it was a poor practical joke, that shouldn’t have led to the stupid overreaction of our SWAT team. You know what? Actually it is the SWAT team that should take responsibility. I’ve heard the emergency call. Dude, even a deaf man could tell it’s a fake.”
The names of the remaining two injured rappers have yet to be released, but they’re rumored to be Snoop Dogg and Dr Dre. Initially, Eminem was named among the wounded, but speculators soon realized that he was the last guy at that party likely to be shot.