U.S. Starts Initiative To Send Weed, Alcohol To Iraq So Muslims ‘Chill Out’

Posted on March 9, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama has started an initiative to send marijuana and alcohol to Muslims in Iraq and other parts of the world, with hopes that they will ‘chill out,’ and be less likely to become ‘extremists,’ or cause any harm to anyone.

“Muslims, generally, are an irrational group of people,” said Obama. “I should know, I am one. So, what I’ve proposed to congress is a measure to begin sending large quantities of marijuana and alcohol to Muslims in Iraq and other parts of the world. I strongly believe that this initiative will help them chill out, and become too relaxed to have any desire to attack the United States.”

Obama has said that although he is aware that Muslims are strongly against drugs and alcohol, he thinks that once they try it, they will change their mind.

“Anyone who says that marijuana and booze aren’t good times, clearly hasn’t tried either of them,” said Obama. “I did my fair share of both in my day, and I can honestly say, if you want to meet your God, whoever that may be, there’s no better way to do it than by getting extremely high.”

Several Muslim groups from within the United States have said that they are protesting the measure, and think that it’s just another way for Obama to make a name for himself before he is no longer in office.

Obama Mandates Muslim Sensitivity Training Starting In Elementary School

Posted on January 30, 2015 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Schools that want to keep their federal funding will now have to teach Muslim sensitivity, according to reports from the White House. The mandate, signed by President Obama on Thursday afternoon, calls for all students starting at the elementary level to take classes on the importance of being sensitive towards Muslims. Critics claim that this is another wasteful program, and another extreme example of Obama’s overreach.

“The time has come for Americans to be more sensitive to the Muslim religion,” President Obama said to reporters in a speech from the White House. ”With sensitivity training starting in elementary schools, we are guaranteeing a more sensitive generation. The Muslim religion is not like other religions, and the Muslim people are extremely sensitive whenever someone jokes, mocks, or even misunderstands their religion. We want all children to know that it’s okay to make fun of Jews and Catholics, because they know how to take a joke. Muslims can’t take a joke, as they don’t know joy or humor. So it’s important for us to change as Americans in order to make the Muslims happy.”

“Why should we change? Why don’t them damn Muslims take an improv class or something, and learn how to take a joke?” said Senator Ted Cruz after the announcement by Obama. ”We’re Americans, and this country is at its greatest when we’re being politically incorrect and taking jabs at people who are different. I remember even Bugs Bunny got to call Japanese people slants and gooks in the cartoons of my era. Damn, those were the good old days. When I’m President I promise to offend everybody, every day, the way it should be – the way it used to be!”

Hasbro To Produce Jesus, Muhammad Action Figure Line

Posted on January 19, 2015 by Abe Abrams

PAWTUCKET, Rhode Island –

Let the battle for the heavenly kingdom begin! In a surprisingly anti-politically correct move, Hasbro has announced that they are going to begin selling Jesus and Muhammad action figures. The company says Jesus will have come in a play-set with 12 disciples, while Muhammad will come with his 9 wives.

“We’re pretty excited and nervous at the same time,” said Hasbro CEO Charles Cummings. “We’re excited for the new product line, and because kids all over the world will be battling for heavenly victory. Jesus and Muhammad will both come with Kung-Fu grip, and there will also be plenty of accessories including, tanks, fighter planes…plus AR15’s for the disciples and AK47’s for Muhammad’s wives.”

“We’re a bit nervous about the product line, because we know it’s going offend people. We have really beefed up security at our Pawtucket headquarters. We know that having only Jesus and Muhammad represented is discriminatory. If the product line does well, we do plan on expanding the line to include Buddha and whatever the hell it is that atheists worship.”

“It’s a rip off. Total junk – they’re just revamping GI Joe and Cobra Commander dolls,” said Carmine Classi, vintage toy collector. “I will get them, of course, when they go on sale. I’ll buy online, though, for sure. I wouldn’t feel safe going into a store that has the balls to put them on the shelves. No one is selling them yet, and that just makes me want them more.”

“So far, we can’t find anyone to sell them,” said Hasbro Marketing Executive Phil Phillips. “We really didn’t foresee this problem. Funny thing though – as it turns out, the Muslims are cool about it. Pictures of Muhammad are not cool, but action figures, I guess that’s alright. This time, it’s the religious right making all the noise to have the toys pulled. It must be the Jesus doll’s superpower of being able to turn water into grenades that’s getting them mad.”