Al Gore Rushed to New England Hospital With Symptoms Of Frostbite

CONCORD, New Hampshire –

Former vice-president Al Gore was reportedly struck with a violent case of frostbite earlier this morning, while indoctrinating America’s youth in the perils of global warming at a New England elementary school .

After a frighteningly inappropriate speech given in the schools gymnasium, Gore was invited to follow the children out to recess. According to several teachers, Gore was not appropriately dressed for the cold front gripping the area, and while playing ‘King of the Hill’ with the children, he became soaked in cold, wet snow. A secret service agent, assigned to the former vice-president during his tours, noticed red splotches on Gore’s face and hands.

“Well, it was supposed to be a speech on conservation. You know – turn off lights, don’t run the water when brushing your teeth, that sort of thing,” said Ralph Stevens, 4th grade teacher. “But Mr. Gore took his speech over the top. My God, he had a slide show featuring dead polar bears, crying Eskimos, and drawings of cities under water. When it was done, the children were visibly upset and many were crying about the dead animals, so I called for recess to cheer them up.”

“It was disgusting, really,” said Principal Ann Parsons. “Mr. Gore followed the children outside, taking over a game of King of the Hill, and he was violently shoving kids off the hill, declaring himself Ruler of the World. I tried to stop it, but the secret service would not let me get close. It was unseasonably chilly, around 28 degrees, and although the children were all dressed in winter clothes, Mr. Gore was just in a suit and tie, not even a jacket. After about an hour, the secret service swarmed around him and whisked him away to the motorcade, knocking over children as they went. I was glad to see him go.”

“Luckily the doctors say I will end up being okay, and that we got here in time, so there’s no reason to amputate anything,” said Gore from a Massachusetts General hospital bed. ”I was wondering why my entire body was aching and hurting. I just thought it was because I was throwing all those kids around. Anyway, I just want everyone to know global warming is real, and that I will continue to educate the children through my school tours. I can show you all the science you need, but the average temperature dropping over the last seven years should prove it all. If no one else, the uneducated kids of America will certainly believe me.”

CONCORD, New Hampshire –

With the elections over this week throughout the U.S., many people are seeing their favorite candidate, or a hated rival, elected into office. In New Hampshire, though, one man isn’t blaming his loss to Maggie Hassan in the race for Governor on a poor race, or a bad campaign. Independent hopeful Lou Sanus, 73, says that his loss was because of ‘women voters.’

“Susan B. Anthony can suck my old balls,” said Sanus in his concession speech. “If that damn meddling bitch hadn’t stepped out of line back then, then I could have been elected governor today. Of course a woman won – she got all the women voters in her corner! And everyone knows that when a woman wants something, she gets it, or she holds out on the sex, so I’m sure plenty of horny men voted the way their wives told them to, leaving me in the dust!”

Sanus seems to think that women shouldn’t be allowed to vote, on the sheer fact that a woman could ‘never understand’ the complexities of politics.

“Being governor, hell, being in any office – it’s not easy,” said Sanus during his campaign run. “It’s not just sitting around all day in big, leather office chairs getting pleasured by sweet, young, secretaries like some people think – although I won’t say that’s not a great part of the job, wink wink.”

“Lou Sanus thinks women shouldn’t vote, and that their place is either in the kitchen, or on his micropenis,” said voter Mary Jordan. “He made that so clear throughout his campaign, of course no woman would vote for him. No smart man, either. A vote for Sanus is a vote for sending us back to the dark ages. The man should be put to sleep.”

“That’s the kind of feminazi bullshit I’ve been hearing my entire campaign,” said Sanus in response. “I’m a man’s man, and a hell of a lover. Dark ages? Good Lord, some people…or should I say, some women? I don’t have a micropenis, by the way. That ugly dog wouldn’t know a good lay or a good candidate if I gave her both at the same time. Next year, I’m going to run in Maine. Hell, the only important issue on their ballot was whether or not to let people keep trapping bears – and who even gives a shit about bears?”

Governor Maggie Hassan (D), who received 52% of the vote, had no comment about her competitor, except to say “Who the hell is Lou Sanus?”