New Hampshire Candidate For Governor Says ‘Women Shouldn’t Be Allowed To Vote’

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CONCORD, New Hampshire – New Hampshire Candidate For Governor Says 'Women Shouldn't Be Allowed To Vote'

With the elections over this week throughout the U.S., many people are seeing their favorite candidate, or a hated rival, elected into office. In New Hampshire, though, one man isn’t blaming his loss to Maggie Hassan in the race for Governor on a poor race, or a bad campaign. Independent hopeful Lou Sanus, 73, says that his loss was because of ‘women voters.’

“Susan B. Anthony can suck my old balls,” said Sanus in his concession speech. “If that damn meddling bitch hadn’t stepped out of line back then, then I could have been elected governor today. Of course a woman won – she got all the women voters in her corner! And everyone knows that when a woman wants something, she gets it, or she holds out on the sex, so I’m sure plenty of horny men voted the way their wives told them to, leaving me in the dust!”

Sanus seems to think that women shouldn’t be allowed to vote, on the sheer fact that a woman could ‘never understand’ the complexities of politics.

“Being governor, hell, being in any office – it’s not easy,” said Sanus during his campaign run. “It’s not just sitting around all day in big, leather office chairs getting pleasured by sweet, young, secretaries like some people think – although I won’t say that’s not a great part of the job, wink wink.”

“Lou Sanus thinks women shouldn’t vote, and that their place is either in the kitchen, or on his micropenis,” said voter Mary Jordan. “He made that so clear throughout his campaign, of course no woman would vote for him. No smart man, either. A vote for Sanus is a vote for sending us back to the dark ages. The man should be put to sleep.”

“That’s the kind of feminazi bullshit I’ve been hearing my entire campaign,” said Sanus in response. “I’m a man’s man, and a hell of a lover. Dark ages? Good Lord, some people…or should I say, some women? I don’t have a micropenis, by the way. That ugly dog wouldn’t know a good lay or a good candidate if I gave her both at the same time. Next year, I’m going to run in Maine. Hell, the only important issue on their ballot was whether or not to let people keep trapping bears – and who even gives a shit about bears?”

Governor Maggie Hassan (D), who received 52% of the vote, had no comment about her competitor, except to say “Who the hell is Lou Sanus?”

George Zimmerman Announces Candidacy for Florida Governorship

TALLAHASSEE, Florida – empire-news-george-zimmerman-announces-candidacy-for-florida-governer

The 2014 race for Florida’s governorship was already predicted by political analysts to be one of the closest and most exciting of this year’s midterms. Incumbent Republican Rick Scott is one of the least popular governors in the country, and his challenger, former Republican governor turned Democrat Charlie Crist, will have to fight his image as a “flip-flopper” to win the race.

An unlikely candidate has now entered the fray: in a Monday, July 7th press conference in Orlando, Florida, George Zimmerman announced he will be running for governor of the Sunshine State.

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Zimmerman gained national attention 2 years ago for his fatal shooting of unarmed black teenager Trayvon Martin. Following the shooting, he was detained and questioned for 5 hours and then released uncharged. News of the incident spread and after 6 weeks of protest, Zimmerman was finally charged with manslaughter and second-degree murder by special prosecutor Angela Corey, who was appointed by Rick Scott to the case. On July 13, 2013, Zimmerman was acquitted on grounds of self-defense.

In his press conference, Zimmerman teased his opponent Rick Scott about their shared history:

“I bet [Governor Scott] is wishing Corey had got that conviction, because now I’m coming for his job. People are tired of the business interests that Scott represents, and they’re tired of the politics-as-usual that Crist represents. The great people of Florida want, and they deserve, refreshing new leadership. That’s what I bring to the table.”

Zimmerman will run as an Independent. He didn’t reveal much of his policy platform at Monday’s press conference, but he did assure voters that, if elected, he would do all he could to protect their 2nd amendment rights.

“Nothing is more important to me than the people of Florida being able to carry guns, shoot guns, and protect themselves in case of serious possibly harm.” Said Zimmerman in the press conference.

The effect of Zimmerman’s political ambition has been much like the fallout from the Treyvon Martin case, igniting racial and ideological tensions. Reactions in social media have been volatile to say the least.

In November, voters will decide if Zimmerman is the man they want for governor. For now, Zimmerman will make his case at a series of scheduled rallies being held in Orlando, Jacksonville, and Pensacola.

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