NEW YORK CITY, New York –
It’s a sad day for all of those who grew up in any of the last four decades. Long-running childhood favorite, Sesame Street, will soon be no longer. The news of its demise was revealed by insiders at PBS, who explained that today’s kids “just hate puppets”.
“What can we do?” asked PBS CEO Paula Kerger. “Times have changed, and our beloved friends Bert and Ernie are now despised by children across the globe. Kermit, Big Bird, the Cookie Monster – all our beloved characters are no longer desirable. In fact, our research showed that kids would rather watch animated anthropomorphic turds fighting than spend another day looking at puppets flapping their unnaturally flat mouths around.”
Eight-year-old, Jimmy Prober, confirmed their sentiments.
“I fucking hate puppets,” he said on a CNN broadcast. “Their fake fur is gross, and their complexions look sickly. If we wanna see strange colored characters, we’re gonna watch The Simpsons. Come on dude – nothin beats Bart’s catchphrase of ‘Shove it up my ass’, or whatever.”
Kids watching the broadcast from a live studio audience nodded their heads in agreement, some shouting encouragement with phrases such as “Down with the reign of the puppet authority!” and “I’m eating Big Bird for dinner!” being flung around. Many parents were driven to run out of the room crying, as their children denigrated characters with whom they themselves had grown up.
When asked why he thought kids had turned against puppets, current Sesame Street executive producer Super Grover answered, “I cannot say for certain, but perhaps today’s children were collectively molested by puppets. Or maybe they’ve just found something better in iPads, Family Guy, and Playstations.”
“I always knew this day would come,” said Jim Henson, creator of Sesame Street and the Muppets. “Yet I did not think it would happen in my lifetime. In that assumption, I was correct.” Henson died in 1990 of a bacterial infection.