U.S. Government Says You Can Buy Alcohol, Cigarettes With Food Stamps Starting 2017

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Faced with lingering debts due to a still struggling economy, President Barack Obama issued an executive order today allowing the purchase of alcohol and cigarettes with food stamps.

The Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) offers nutrition assistance to eligible individuals who face financial or other hardships when trying to adequately feed themselves and their dependents.

The US Department of Agriculture, which oversees the program, has a strict policy on which items can and cannot be purchased with food stamps.  Alcohol and cigarettes are not categorized as “essential nutrition,” and were never allowed on the “Food Stamp Safety List” – until now.

“We’re faced with tough times. American families are still struggling, although the economy is slowly recovering,” said President Obama. “The boost in sales generated by alcohol and cigarette sales will help aid in the recovery efforts, and generate much-needed revenue.”

For years, the President has struggled with a much publicized nicotine addiction, and this executive decision is bound to raise the hackles of nutrition experts, not to mention closer to home, where the First Lady, Michelle Obama, has advocated healthy eating habits and exercise.  When asked if that may create tension within the White House, the President replied “I hope not.”

Other items disallowed on the food stamp list include vitamins, medicine, hot food or food eaten in a store, live animals, and cosmetics.

Major tobacco manufacturers and alcohol distributors have been slow to overly praise the decision, seen as controversial from both sides of the political aisle.  Members of the GOP have also remained strangely silent in their usual criticism of the President’s every action, owing to the fact that many members of Congress are on vacation and receive large subsidies from the alcohol and tobacco industries.

Government To Reduce Food Stamp Allowance Of Overweight Recipients

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Government To Reduce Food Stamp Allowance For Overweight Recipients

The Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP), which Americans commonly refer to as the ‘Food Stamp Program’, has voted to reduce the monthly allowance of obese welfare recipients, according to body weight according to SNAP spokesperson Winston C. Douglas in an announcement earlier today.

Douglas said that after a vote was brought to the SNAP board of directors, that the group voted unanimously in support of the proposed measure in an attempt to fight obesity in the United States.

“An alarming statistic was brought to the board which stated that over fifty-percent of SNAP benefit recipients are grossly overweight, many of which are clinically considered obese. This, of course is major cause for concern with how the program is operated” Douglas said.

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All SNAP recipients, including all who live in the household, will be ordered to take a physical as part of the new plan. Depending on results, funding could be drastically reduced for those who are overweight. A measure many suggest is long overdue, including New Jersey governor Chris Christie.

“I have to work in order to overeat,” the hefty governor said when asked about the new measure. “It’s a problem when the government is giving people money to sit on their lazy butts and just eat all day. It is about time something is done about this plague of people abusing the accessibility of welfare benefits.”

There are also those who think it is highly inappropriate to require welfare recipients to take a physical in order to receive their monthly allowance, such as Shantae Johnson, 32, of Cleveland, Ohio.

“Who the hell they think they are? Just because we poor means we can’t be fat? I think it’s wrong, and we deserve to get what is owed to us no matter how we look! People pay taxes for us to have that money to get whatever food we damn well please,” Johnson said angrily. “This is an outrage and we not gonna put up with the harassment! I don’t see them harassing rich people who are fat!”

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