NEW YORK, New York – 

A new breed of ‘Super rats,’ immune to poisons and larger, stronger, and more aggressive than normal rats, have reportedly invaded the upper East Side on New York. Super rats are carnivores, and have so far been feeding on pigeons, cats, dogs, and other rodents but the US Department Of Health says they fear attacks on people could be next.

“The problem with super rats is officially out of control, we have known about rats plaguing the Bronx and Harlem for a while now, but when super rats start terrorizing the good people of the upper East Side, it’s time to do something about it,” said NYC Mayor Bill de Blaiso. “So today I am announcing a new tax, this additional one dollar “Super Rat Tax” on each and every pack of cigarettes sold in the city, will go to the safe and humane trapping of the super rats so they be relocated to New Jersey” 

“He said what? If that communist thinks he can dump his rats here, he’s got another thing coming.” said Chris Christie, New Jersey Governor. “I’ll shut down the bridges! I did it before, I’ll do it again, I’ll take those super rats and launch them over the river so it rains rats all over the city night and day. I got one message for comrade de Blaiso: ‘sit down and shut up’, and don’t f*ck with Jersey.”

“Super Rats? I have lived in the upper East Side my whole life, and I have never seen a super rat. Hell, I’ve never seen a regular rat, if you can believe that,” said Carmine Classi, avid smoker, as he was interviewed on the street by WNYC-News 6. “Bill de Blaiso hates smokers, just like Bloomberg hated the fatties. Bill is an ultra-liberal nutjob who just wants to raise our cigarette tax again. He won’t be happy until no one smokes, and now he’s seeing rats? Well I got a message for Mr. Mayor, you’re the only r—…”

Unfortunately, Classi was attacked by a super rat mid-sentence, and was killed instantly. WNYC-News 6 reporters say they send their deepest regards to his family.