NYC Residents Report Polar Bear Sightings Throughout City

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NYC Residents Report Polar Bear Sightings Throughout City

NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

Yesterday, inhabitants of New York reported seeing polar bears in different public places. Scientists are trying to understand how the animals got to the city.

“First I thought I got crazy, I mean, I saw a bear in the middle of the city! Then I asked my girlfriend if she saw it too. She did! Man, there was a real polar bear walking around NYC as if it was some kind of Antarctica!” says Matt Barrow, one of the witnesses. 

Bears were seen in East Village, Astor Row, Bushwick and Greenpoint. Three times it was one single grown-up bear, and once a person reported seeing a whole family of bears. Only one bear was caught, and has been taken to the Bronx Zoo. 

Today, scientists from Columbia University and New York University met to discuss the issue. “It’s a puzzle, but we have a few theories and we will find out if one of them is real,” says Dr Hannah Sparks. 

Scientists think the event might be connected to the harsh winter New York City is now experiencing. Some of them believe black bears that live in the state of New York suddenly evolved into polar bears. This incredibly fast evolution is supposed to be caused by weather conditions.

“Perhaps bears adjust better than humans. People still cannot accept it’s snowing so much,” says Dr. Sparks. “We believe the bears left the woods and came to the city, because they got shocked with their own sudden transformation and started wandering around. Other scientists say the bears traveled to The Big Apple from Canada. Animals sensed the coldness of New York City, and realized it is now a great place to live. According to one theory, they traveled through the land, while the second claims they used ice floes and sailed the ocean.”

Authorities are urging people that if they see the polar bears on the streets of New York City to please call Wildlife Management or the local police. They warn residents that they should not touch the animals, as they aren’t just white, adorable balls of fur. The fluffiness is just a cover for strength and danger. 

‘Super Rats’ Terrorize New York City

NEW YORK, New York – 'Super Rats' Terrorize New York City

A new breed of ‘Super rats,’ immune to poisons and larger, stronger, and more aggressive than normal rats, have reportedly invaded the upper East Side on New York. Super rats are carnivores, and have so far been feeding on pigeons, cats, dogs, and other rodents but the US Department Of Health says they fear attacks on people could be next.

“The problem with super rats is officially out of control, we have known about rats plaguing the Bronx and Harlem for a while now, but when super rats start terrorizing the good people of the upper East Side, it’s time to do something about it,” said NYC Mayor Bill de Blaiso. “So today I am announcing a new tax, this additional one dollar “Super Rat Tax” on each and every pack of cigarettes sold in the city, will go to the safe and humane trapping of the super rats so they be relocated to New Jersey” 

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“He said what? If that communist thinks he can dump his rats here, he’s got another thing coming.” said Chris Christie, New Jersey Governor. “I’ll shut down the bridges! I did it before, I’ll do it again, I’ll take those super rats and launch them over the river so it rains rats all over the city night and day. I got one message for comrade de Blaiso: ‘sit down and shut up’, and don’t f*ck with Jersey.”

Super Rats? I have lived in the upper East Side my whole life, and I have never seen a super rat. Hell, I’ve never seen a regular rat, if you can believe that,” said Carmine Classi, avid smoker, as he was interviewed on the street by WNYC-News 6. “Bill de Blaiso hates smokers, just like Bloomberg hated the fatties. Bill is an ultra-liberal nutjob who just wants to raise our cigarette tax again. He won’t be happy until no one smokes, and now he’s seeing rats? Well I got a message for Mr. Mayor, you’re the only r—…”

Unfortunately, Classi was attacked by a super rat mid-sentence, and was killed instantly. WNYC-News 6 reporters say they send their deepest regards to his family.

 

New York To Raise Cigarette Taxes, Prices Could Reach $25 Per Pack

NEW YORK CITY, New York – New York To Raise Cigarette Taxes, Prices Could Reach $25 Per Pack

With cigarette prices going up in cities all over the nation, it appears that New York will soon hold the crown once again as the state with the most expensive cigarettes. Cigarettes have been heavily taxed by state and federal regulators, with the cost increasing steadily over the past 20 years, but now New York will be adding an additional tax to them.

The decision was made after congress saw that New Yorkers were still buying cigarettes like crazy, even with their ridiculous prices. A study conducted by the state science board showed that people in New York spend more money on tobacco then they do on food year-over-year.

“Taxing cigarettes is a perfect way for us to earn money for our schools, for our roads, really for whatever we want,” said New York state representative Aaron Silver. “We might just use the money to have a big party at the State House. It doesn’t matter. People need their smokes, and they’ll pay whatever the cost.”

“In the long run, they’re just going to get what they want,” said New York smoker Jared Coff. “I don’t have time to drive into Jersey for my cigarettes, and even if I did the gas would equal the damn savings anyway. I might as well cut my losses and just pay whatever they’re asking. I hear that Camels, which is my brand, could hit $25 or $30 a pack. It’s a Goddamn racket is what it is.”

Currently, the average price of cigarettes nationwide is about $8, so New York’s new tax will essentially triple the cost of a normal pack. Prices in New York City tend to trend slightly higher already, at anywhere from $12-$14 for a pack of many major brands.

“What else can I do, really, except pay it?” said smoker Chris Moke. “I smoke, and the prices are going up. So they double? Whatever. You pay it, you bitch, and you move on. Really, that’s the only option, as far as I can see it. The price of milk has gone up a ton over the years, too, but I ain’t putting water in my cereal, ya know?”

According to a recent street poll, over 90% of New Yorkers say that they are against the new tax, but that they would still pay for their cigarettes. When the idea of just quitting was brought up, and overwhelming 100% said that the thought never crossed their mind.

 

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