STRATFORD, Connecticut –
A 37-year-old man died in a freak milkshake accident yesterday, after he suffered a brain aneurysm by trying to suck the thick liquid through a small straw. Jerry Miller of Stratford, Connecticut, is survived by his wife Melanie, 32.
“Jerry had just stopped at Wendy’s, and had picked up a milkshake. Well, I guess they call it a Frosty there,” said Melanie between sobs while speaking to reporters outside the local hospital. “Apparently he tried to drink the Frosty with a straw instead of eating it with a spoon like normal people, and the extreme suction caused a part of his brain to just ‘pop,’ or so the doctors tell me.”
Dr. Henry Feinstein says that this kind of injury is not as uncommon as you would think, as the human body is extremely fickle and prone to accidental death at the “most inopportune times.”
“Really, our bodies can just die off whenever – it can be from drinking a thick shake and having your brain have a tiny explosion, or you can be sitting on the toilet, and all of a sudden your bowels twist and whoop! You’re dead. Just as Maurice Gibb from the 70s band The Bee Gees. The guy died on the toilet! And not in a cool Elvis way, either. It’s really sad how you can just blink out.”
Wendy’s corporation spokesman Bill McNickle said that the company sends its condolences for the incident, and promises a free meal to Miller’s surviving wife and mother to make up for the ordeal.
“We are looking into the option of possibly thinning out our milkshakes to avoid future incidents,” said McKickle. ” At this point, though, we would just like to send our deepest sympathies to the family. There is a first time for everything, apparently.”