LOS ANGELES, California –
Transport and travel phenomenon Uber has had its fair share of problems. The smartphone app works efficiently and is especially useful, but major issues have ranged from accusations of rape against drivers, to criticisms of the company raising prices in emergencies. Now they face a new volley of complaints, this time for not having enough attractive female drivers.
“We believe that Uber is intentionally bigoted against our community,” said Attractive Females for Equal Opportunities head, Stephanie Andreason. “They’ve certainly got a ‘type’ – usually dumpy males with a little body odor. Accordingly, we’ve initiated an inquest as to whether this phenomenon constitutes discrimination and violates employment ethics.”
Uber’s founder and CEO, Travis Kalanick, has however hit out at Andreason, saying that they’ve continuously tried and failed to attract beautiful women drivers.
“Trust me, Stephanie. If we could get hot chicks to drive our cars, we would. We’d even charge extra for their services. Our male customer base would benefit, and we’ll do anything to assuage them and further our business interactions in that arena.”
LGBTI activists consequently spoke up against Kalanick, calling him homophobic and shortsighted.
“Their male customer base would benefit?” said Hilton Herring. “What about their lesbian clientele? What about the queers? What about transgender persons born male but identify themselves as female? What about gender-non-specific individuals? Obviously Mr Kalanick is out of date with the modern world, and is still living according to Victorian values. We’re going to protest until he apologizes or resigns his post.”
Andreason responded to Kalanick as well, saying that “we have hundreds of models in bikinis waiting to get into a car and drive drunk teenagers around. Don’t pretend there aren’t. We even have one who turned up to an interview topless, and she was dismissed wihtout even getting interviewed. It’s because she has massive boobs, and apparently the Uber employment don’t like that.”
Kalanick was overheard saying to a close associate, “Shit, they read our minds.”