Early morning reports are that in a stunning merger, the Ultimate Fighting Championship with partner with Virgin Group in a joint effort to put on the first mixed martial arts event into orbit.
The UFC, the premiere organization in mixed martial arts, has recently expanded the number of fights it broadcasts per year in an effort to expand to even larger, global markets. Events thus far have expanded into South America, Australia, Europe and Asia.
When reached for comment, UFC President Dana White told reporters for Empire News, “F— you,” and hung up the phone.
Conversely, when reached for comment, Virgin Group founder and Chairman Richard Branson was far more open and amiable with reporters. “It really was the smart business move.”
Branson, 64, first made stellar headlines with the announcement in September, 2004, of the formation of Virgin Galactic, a company which would focus on the previously nonexistent industry of space tourism. Then, in July, 2012, Bronson announced plans to build an orbital space launch system designated LauncherOne.
“We’ve been out of the news for a while,” Bronson told reporters, “and with England blowing the World Cup, I figured we needed to get back on the map by merging with MMA. I mean, Michael Bisping has been a bust for us, so I figured it was time to step up.”
Details have been vague, but reports from inside Virgin Group suggest that LaucherOne will have a modest arena built within the orbiting platform in which approximately 25,000 of the world’s wealthiest and most self-conscious people will allowed to watch live the first low-gravity mixed martial arts fight in history. Other amenities will include several tanning/hair salons, an Apple Store, a celebrity detox facility, franchises of Starbucks coffee, Chipotle, Subway, Juicy Couture, Ed Hardy, and Lululemon.
At time of publication, no fighters have yet been confirmed for either the preliminary or the main event card, but one name that continues to be circulated is former WEC champion Uriah Faber, who gained some increased popularity with his Full Contact Skydiving video on YouTube.
Faber, who has since adamantly denied rumors of a UFC in space, admits that the video was his attempt at a joke and that he doesn’t really understand how satire works. He in no way endorsed the idea of low- or zero-gravity combat.
Bronson, who has seen the sky diving video several times and has used it for research in the building of the arena is determined to “launch the little fu—- into orbit” anyway and “maybe show him some episodes of Benny Hill or A Bit of Fry and Laurie for an education in proper humor.”
Sources inside the Nevada State Athletic Commission suggest that referee Steve Mazzagatti is on the short list to officiate the event since “we’ve been thinking about launching him into space for years anyway.”