UFC To Create 17 New Weight Divisions To Combat Dangerous Weight Cutting

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LAS VEGAS, Nevada – UFC To Create 17 New Weight Divisions To Combat Dangerous Weight Cutting

Recent neurological studies have shown a direct correlation between the sort of drastic weight cutting found in combat sports such as boxing, wrestling, and mixed martial arts, with severe brain trauma and death. In the past, wrestling has borne the brunt of the weight cutting issue as stories of spitting into cups, wearing plastic and refusing to eat circulate amongst the population.

However, with the increased popularity of mixed martial arts, particular its preeminent organization the Ultimate Fighting Championship, the focus has shifted to the large weight gaps between weight divisions.

Currently, professional boxing recognizes 17 weight classes ranging from under 105 pounds to over 205 pounds, with weight classes divided by three to twenty-five pound increments.

Previously, mixed martial arts recognized eight weight classes, ranging from 125 pounds up to 265 pounds. With the exception of the 60 pound gap between light heavyweight and heavyweight, all weight classes were divided by ten to twenty pound increments.

Detractors of weight cutting suggest that due to the massive gaps in weight classes and the fighters’ fear of being unable to compete in previous weight classes, these large gaps are cause of severe and dangerous weight cuts.

“Fighters want to win,” said Sheila Sherman, a researcher in the field of sports nutrition. “If you are a 205 pound fighter and you can’t quite make it to a title match, being relegated as a solid ‘stepping stone’ or ‘gate keeper,’ you think about dropping down to 185. And with the growing number of wrestlers in MMA, these weight cuts sometimes look easy, but the toll on the body is severe.”

To stave off the potential risks of these huge weight drops, and perhaps to one up their combat sports competitor, the UFC recently announced they would be adding 17 weight classes to their roster.

These additional weight classes will have no more than five pounds between them, with the Slim-Fast and Body Dysmorphic Divisions will be separated by just .5 pounds.

“I don’t know what else we can do,” Sherman told reporters, “I mean, if we keep weight classes like they are, more fighters are going to have to accept that they aren’t as good as their friends tell them they are and will have to get real jobs to be productive members of society instead of little boys getting paid to shave their chests and fight on the metaphorical playground.”

One of the more experimental divisions suggested is the “Anthony ‘Rumble’ Johnson division” which should be 205 pounds, but sometimes will be 217 and other times will inexplicably be 185.

At the time of publication, rumors of additional weight divisions, for fighters who are completely unprofessional or who don’t know a thing about weight cutting, have been suggested as a sort of ‘sliding scale,’ with no real fixed weight, just kind of a ballpark guess. So far, they haven’t made that specific weight class official.

Woman In Front Row of UFC Event Berated For Not Looking Like A Prostitute

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – Woman In Front Row of UFC Event Berated For Not Looking Like A Prostitute

Stephanie Kirkland, 26, a 2nd grade teacher at a Lake Tahoe area public school, was excited to learn a friend had an extra ticket to UFC 175: Weidman vs. Machida. It was with added surprise that she learned the seats were just one row from the cage.

As passing fights fan, Kirkland admitted that she had looked forward to the event, having never been to a live UFC show, but she in no way anticipated what would happen once she got to the venue.

Security camera footage clearly shows Kirkland walking into the fight with a group of friends. Kirkland is seen dressed in a t-shirt and jeans with her hair pulled back in a ponytail. From the footage, her friends appear to be clearly embarrassed to be seen with her slovenly appearance.Things only got worse from there.

Wanting to get the most out of the tickets, Kirkland had pressed her friends to arrive early so they could watch all of the preliminary fights and as such, the group represented the only filled seats in the first five rows of the arena. Reports are that people in the cheap seats wondered if they were there by mistake.

As the night progressed to the main card, the seats around her filled with more and more people. Kirkland seemed ambivalent to the looks and jeers around her as she watched the action.

“I thought people were yelling at the fighters,” Kirkland said, days after the event, “I dated a wrestler in high school, so I was following the action pretty well. It was fun – Until I realized they were yelling at me.”

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Reports from cage side are that numerous chants of “You don’t look like a whore!” and  “Why aren’t you texting during the fight?” continued for minutes at a time as Kirkland sat and watched the fight politely, not bothering anyone.

She wasn’t even staring at the other women, judging them, scoffing and laughing to herself about something only she found funny. Her behavior was considered suspect by arena security who had her under constant observation, except when women dressed like aspiring porn stars walked by.

Before the Rousey/Davis fight, Kirkland was finally approached by security and asked to step outside. At which time none of her friends acted like they knew her. Once outside, security closed the doors and her picture was distributed throughout the MGM Casino with orders not to allow her back inside.

Kirkland was forced to wait until the fights let out to find her friends, who were so ashamed of her that they wouldn’t even share a cab home.

“I was so embarrassed,” admitted Kelly Oswald, a friend of Kirkland’s since middle school. “I mean, here were are, with the chance to be seen on a pay-per-view event and have fan boys make GIFs of us showing our cleavage and she dresses like she’s going to baseball game.”

Oswald, whose UFC GIF has been featured for the last week when the nipple of one of her 36DD breasts slipped out of her size zero dress, thought for a moment. “No, not even baseball, because then we could get one of those special baseball jersey’s that show off your belly. This was totally unacceptable. She was dressed like a Mormon.”

Information released by leading cosmetic manufacturers suggests there could be as much as 72 pounds of fake eyelashes in the front row of any given UFC event. Sources in Las Vegas salons stated that they will often need emergency airdrops of hair dye and wax to prepare for the larger events.

Kirkland has subsequently been banned from the MGM Casino until such time as she can prove that she is aloof, disinterested ,and otherwise oblivious to the people around her while simultaneously posting selfies on Instagram in the middle of a five-round slugfest.

UFC Partners With Richard Branson and Virgin Group For First UFC Bout in Space

LONDON, England – empire-news-UFC teams with virgin group for first UFC fight in space

Early morning reports are that in a stunning merger, the Ultimate Fighting Championship with partner with Virgin Group in a joint effort to put on the first mixed martial arts event into orbit.

The UFC, the premiere organization in mixed martial arts, has recently expanded the number of fights it broadcasts per year in an effort to expand to even larger, global markets. Events thus far have expanded into South America, Australia, Europe and Asia.

When reached for comment, UFC President Dana White told reporters for Empire News, “F— you,” and hung up the phone.

Conversely, when reached for comment, Virgin Group founder and Chairman Richard Branson was far more open and amiable with reporters. “It really was the smart business move.”

Branson, 64, first made stellar headlines with the announcement in September, 2004, of the formation of Virgin Galactic, a company which would focus on the previously nonexistent industry of space tourism. Then, in July, 2012, Bronson announced plans to build an orbital space launch system designated LauncherOne.

“We’ve been out of the news for a while,” Bronson told reporters, “and with England blowing the World Cup, I figured we needed to get back on the map by merging with MMA. I mean, Michael Bisping has been a bust for us, so I figured it was time to step up.”

Details have been vague, but reports from inside Virgin Group suggest that LaucherOne will have a modest arena built within the orbiting platform in which approximately 25,000 of the world’s wealthiest and most self-conscious people will allowed to watch live the first low-gravity mixed martial arts fight in history. Other amenities will include several tanning/hair salons, an Apple Store, a celebrity detox facility, franchises of Starbucks coffee, Chipotle, Subway, Juicy Couture, Ed Hardy, and Lululemon.

At time of publication, no fighters have yet been confirmed for either the preliminary or the main event card, but one name that continues to be circulated is former WEC champion Uriah Faber, who gained some increased popularity with his Full Contact Skydiving video on YouTube.

Faber, who has since adamantly denied rumors of a UFC in space, admits that the video was his attempt at a joke and that he doesn’t really understand how satire works. He in no way endorsed the idea of low- or zero-gravity combat.

Bronson, who has seen the sky diving video several times and has used it for research in the building of the arena is determined to “launch the little fu—- into orbit” anyway and “maybe show him some episodes of Benny Hill or A Bit of Fry and Laurie for an education in proper humor.”

Sources inside the Nevada State Athletic Commission suggest that referee Steve Mazzagatti is on the short list to officiate the event since “we’ve been thinking about launching him into space for years anyway.”

NSAC To Start Requiring Drug Testing For MMA Announcers and Owners

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –  NSAC To Start Requiring Drug Testing For MMA Announcers Owners

In an effort to crack down on what has recently become the rampant use of performance enhancing drugs in mixed martial arts, the Nevada State Athletic Commission sent out a press release outlining their new rules requiring drug testing for all mixed martial arts organization owners and announcers.

With the recent negative press received by the positive results from former UFC fighter Chael Sonnen and the ban of Testosterone Replacement Therapy (TRT), the NSAC isn’t taking any more chances that their reputation will be dragged through the mud, not to mention the tarnish a scandal would cause the sport as a whole.

“We aren’t messing around anymore,” said Terry McCall, long-serving member of the NSAC. “MMA is a huge money-maker for the state and there are a lot of people looking at us to lead the way. There is no way they are going to drag us in front of a congressional committee like we’re baseball.”

The news of the mandatory drug testing has not been received well, particularly by UFC announcer and marijuana/psychedelic mushrooms/kettlebell advocate Joe Rogan or UFC owner Lorenzo Fertitta.

While Fertitta hasn’t had nearly the same level of exposure as UFC president Dana White or Rogan, he has recently taken to wearing Ed Hardy style shirts and rocking some massive arms.

The billionaire Fertitta, while barely five feet tall, has been seen in several Instagram photos and UFC weigh-ins showing off some massive steroid-looking jacked arms as well.

“It’s crazy,” said a fan at a recent event. “His forearms look like a pack of hotdogs. He looks like the white CT Fletcher.”

Rogan, ever-levelheaded and pragmatic, took to his Joe Rogan Experience podcast, blissfully bumping another Brendan Shaub interview to address the new ruling.

“Weed is not a performance enhancer and for the commission to say that an announcer, who isn’t even competing in an athletic capacity needs to be tested is just ridiculous.” Rogan then went on to discuss his years competing in Taekwondo and when he showed Georges St. Pierres his spinning side kick.

The NSAC did admit that not one single person on the board was able to look at UFC President Dana White and think for even a second that he could be using PEDs, and that he seemed way too high-strung for a habitual weed smoker.

At time of publication, the NSAC has not yet determined what the penalty for a failed test will be, but it has been suggested that it could result in a banning from the sport. Generally speaking, it seems that not a single fan of MMA cares one way or the other, as long as the UFC finally puts on an entertaining card.

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