Dr. Oz Research Shows Surrounding Yourself With Obese Friends Makes You Appear Thinner

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Television star Dr. Mehmet Oz, who also directs the Cardiovascular Institute and Complementary Medicine Program at New York-Presbyterian Hospital located in New York City, announced that extensive medical research on how one can make themselves appear thinner has concluded, and the results are groundbreaking. Their discovery was that hanging out with people who are more overweight than you will actually make you appear thinner.

“It is a joy to reach this conclusion, which will most certainly improve the quality of life and socialization of those who build a new group of friends who are fatter than they are. Being the ‘thin’ guy, or gal, in the crowd will make you the ever-so-popular life of the party. Many Americans are completely satisfied with their large figures and that is perfectly okay because they make the best friends!” Dr. Oz enthusiastically expressed during a daily taping of his popular television daytime life and health talk show, Dr. Oz, on Friday.

The month-long study included sixty single, overweight volunteers, many considered obese, split into six groups. The person with the lowest body fat percentage was then declared the priority test subject. Each group proceeded to go out and participate in random social events during the day and hit the bars at night. All six priority test subjects reported their sex lives had improved dramatically, and felt an overwhelming improvement in self-esteem while socializing with the nine chunkier friends.

“It is a win/win situation,” Oz said. “Obese people get to make lots of friends, while the average beer-bellied bachelor draws all the attention, vastly improving social skills for all involved. There is always one person who stands out in the crowd, you can still be overweight, just make sure your friends are more overweight. Frequent places that attract a lot of overweight people such as buffets and bingo halls, those places are packed to the gills with satisfied, big, loving, wonderful human beings. Use Facebook or Twitter to stay in touch with your skinny friends, just don’t go out with them anymore.”

Some members of the audience left in disgust, saying Dr. Oz is spreading exploitation of overweight people, such as Mary Parker from Dayton, Ohio. “I can’t believe Dr. Oz is telling everybody to hang out with people fatter than them, I am usually the big girl, where am I supposed to search for friends? I’m usually the one at the buffet with a stack of five or six plates,” Parker said.

Others left with a completely different point of view, such as Josh Sweeney from Fairdale, Kentucky. “I’ll tell ya what, if they don’t like it, this is what they need to do, lose some f**king weight. It’s their choice ya know?” Sweeney blatantly stated. “I have lots of fat friends, that’s why I have such a pretty girlfriend. Keep your fat friends close!” Sweeney added.

It seems that the late, great Rodney Dangerfield was a genius after all. Dangerfield once said, “I found that there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people!” His words at the time, though had been interpreted as some joke, fetching no legitimate respect.

New York-Presbyterian Hospital.^[14] His research interests include heart replace

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

Recent neurological studies have shown a direct correlation between the sort of drastic weight cutting found in combat sports such as boxing, wrestling, and mixed martial arts, with severe brain trauma and death. In the past, wrestling has borne the brunt of the weight cutting issue as stories of spitting into cups, wearing plastic and refusing to eat circulate amongst the population.

However, with the increased popularity of mixed martial arts, particular its preeminent organization the Ultimate Fighting Championship, the focus has shifted to the large weight gaps between weight divisions.

Currently, professional boxing recognizes 17 weight classes ranging from under 105 pounds to over 205 pounds, with weight classes divided by three to twenty-five pound increments.

Previously, mixed martial arts recognized eight weight classes, ranging from 125 pounds up to 265 pounds. With the exception of the 60 pound gap between light heavyweight and heavyweight, all weight classes were divided by ten to twenty pound increments.

Detractors of weight cutting suggest that due to the massive gaps in weight classes and the fighters’ fear of being unable to compete in previous weight classes, these large gaps are cause of severe and dangerous weight cuts.

“Fighters want to win,” said Sheila Sherman, a researcher in the field of sports nutrition. “If you are a 205 pound fighter and you can’t quite make it to a title match, being relegated as a solid ‘stepping stone’ or ‘gate keeper,’ you think about dropping down to 185. And with the growing number of wrestlers in MMA, these weight cuts sometimes look easy, but the toll on the body is severe.”

To stave off the potential risks of these huge weight drops, and perhaps to one up their combat sports competitor, the UFC recently announced they would be adding 17 weight classes to their roster.

These additional weight classes will have no more than five pounds between them, with the Slim-Fast and Body Dysmorphic Divisions will be separated by just .5 pounds.

“I don’t know what else we can do,” Sherman told reporters, “I mean, if we keep weight classes like they are, more fighters are going to have to accept that they aren’t as good as their friends tell them they are and will have to get real jobs to be productive members of society instead of little boys getting paid to shave their chests and fight on the metaphorical playground.”

One of the more experimental divisions suggested is the “Anthony ‘Rumble’ Johnson division” which should be 205 pounds, but sometimes will be 217 and other times will inexplicably be 185.

At the time of publication, rumors of additional weight divisions, for fighters who are completely unprofessional or who don’t know a thing about weight cutting, have been suggested as a sort of ‘sliding scale,’ with no real fixed weight, just kind of a ballpark guess. So far, they haven’t made that specific weight class official.