Trump Strikes Deal With Amazon, Netflix, and Others – No More Federal Taxes EVER

Posted on February 28, 2019 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In what most are calling a “backroom deal,” President Trump has struck an arrangement with Amazon, Netflix, Disney, Wayfair, and other major companies in the United States, where they will not have to pay any taxes at all, regardless of income.

The purpose of the deal, according to insiders, is to ensure the “continuation and expansion of commerce and entertainment in the United States.”

“If Netflix makes $100 million dollars in profit, just as an example, should they be forced to pay 85% of that in taxes?” said President Trump in a completely unprepared statement. “Of course not, they need money to continue growing their company, and growing their output of amazing shows. That’s what is important when ti comes to the growth of this country. That’s how we’re going to continue to Make America Great Again.”

9th Grade Class in Alabama Performs Suicide Pact After Watching ‘Momo’ Video Online

Posted on February 28, 2019 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HUNTSVILLE, Alabama –

A 9th grade class made up of 28 students in Huntsville, Alabama, have reportedly killed themselves in a “mass suicide pact,” after reportedly watching a new viral video online.

“Momo,” which is a stupid internet hoax that has been blown way out of proportion by the media, has now lost its hoax status after all the students were found dead in their school’s basement.

The children, most of whom were 14 or 15, reportedly each bought sleeping pills and bleach, and drank the toxic mixture. Police say the crime scene is “the worst in the history of police work.”

Melanie Reeve, 16, said one of her best friends was one of the teens who killed themselves, but she says she has “no idea” why should would do it.

“Everyone knows the Momo thing is fucking fake, that’s old news and no one actually cares about it except the news and old parents,” said Reeve. “I have no idea why [name redacted] did this. I told her that Momo wasn’t real, and she was just like ‘I know,’ but then did it anyway.”

Police are cautioning parents not to let their kids go “anywhere near the internet” until the Momo craze blows over.

Planned Parenthood Announces They Will Stop Performing Abortions At All Clinics Nationwide

Posted on February 28, 2019 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

In a press release from Planned Parenthood, the non-profit company announced today that they would be ceasing to perform any abortions at any of their clinics throughout the country. The reason, they say, is not because of increased pressure from religious groups or right-wing nutjobs, but because they just really are sick of it being their “sole focus” in the media.

“We do so many amazing things for women, and for families in genera,” said Planned Parenthood CEO Marge Brock. “All anyone ever talks about is ‘gee, do you know how many abortions the perform,’ and that sort of thing. Frankly, it’s taking away all the resources of our other services, and we don’t have time to bother.”

Brock says that they will continue to council women on where they can get safe, medically performed abortions should they ask, but they won’t do anything in their facilities.

“We think this change will be great, and allow us to let people know about all the good we do,” said Brock. “Maybe now all these assholes will stop standing outside our offices with badly written signs and hatred, and they can go back to the internet where trolls belong.”

Florida Man Arrested After Authorities Find 29 Mutilated Bodies Under His Porch

Posted on January 31, 2019 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TALLAHASEE, Florida –

A Florida man has been arrested after police discovered 29 mutilated and sexually-assaulted bodies under his porch. Police were lead to the home of Raymond Garfield, 30, after an anonymous tip.

According to reports, Garfield may have been murdering young women for over 10 years. He had been raping them, and killing them in numerous way – but all of the women were picked up in a local swingers bar.

“Mr. Garfield was seen frequenting a local nightclub, Le Swing, many times over the last several years, and would always leave with a young lady,” said Police Captain Lou Albano. “The women, several of whom were regulars, were never seen again. An investigation into Mr. Garfield was conducted after an anonymous bar patron called us, concerned about the constant stream of missing women he had seen leave with Garfield over several months.”

Garfield, a former construction worker, was arrested without incident. He is currently being held with no bail, with a court date set for March 3rd. If convicted, he will likely face the death penalty.

California Passes Law to Completely Ban Cigarette Sales

Posted on January 31, 2019 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SACRAMENTO, California –

Lawmakers in California have passed a new law through the House that will completely abolish the sale of cigarettes throughout the state, according to reports. The new regulation, which will cost the state billions in tax revenue, will supposedly save upwards of 2 million lives per year.

“We have known forever that smoking is stupid shit, so why are we still selling cigarettes? Why is this still a thing?” said Representative John Lyman – D, California. “There is absolutely no reason to smoke. None. It doesn’t have a single actual benefit. It’s not like smoking weed, which, let’s face it, is awesome. Banning the sale will save lives, and help children not pick up the habit.”

The law will not go into effect until January of 2020, but Lyman says he hopes that many stores stop selling before then.

“I doubt they will, but it really is something we’re hoping the public helps us with,” said Lyman. “I mean shit, this isn’t Alabama. We’re a lot more sophisticated here.”

President Trump Signs New Order To Remove Marijuana From Schedule-1 Drug List

Posted on January 31, 2019 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Trump signed a new order today, removing marijuana from the list of schedule-1 drugs, opening the floodgates for the drug to become legal on a federal level.

“I’ve always been against drinking, because alcoholism killed someone very close to me,” said President Trump. “But that said, I’ve always been a big fan of smoking the ganj. In fact, it was while I was baked out of my mind with a couple of friends that I first thought to run for President, and now – well, here I am.”

President Trump said that with the increased tax revenue from the sale of marijuana nationwide, he hopes to build the border wall.

“Honestly, legalizing on a federal level will bring in trillons of dollars for this country. It will boost the economy and the government will be flooded with new monies,” said Trump. “I will have my wall built by the end of the year.”

Want Your Baby To Have Beautiful Green Eyes? Eat Your Boogers During Pregnancy

Posted on January 31, 2019 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

It all started as a simple thread in a well-known Spanish forum called “forocoches,” where someone posted the following question: “If I eat snot, will my children have green eyes?”

The post went viral around the world generating discussion. That’s why researchers at Harvard University in Boston, Massachusetts decided to study the effect – expecting to find no correlation. Their findings turned out to be extremely surprising.

They concluded that swallowing snot increases 80% the chances of green eyes for the baby.

“Believe it or not, we already knew about some benefits of eating your own boogers,” said Dr. Sam Not, who headed up the research. “It actually has health benefits, including boosting your immune system. What we didn’t know was that it directly correlated to eye color in the fetus of a pregnant woman. Our findings were astounding.”

Unfortunately, the news broke quite quickly, and has since become viral on social media. With doctors advocating for snot eating, many mothers-to-be are asking the really tough questions, such as “does snot contain gluten?” and ”If I’m a vegan, can I eat my snot?”

“Sorry to say, that medical science has not quite caught up to those questions yet,” said Dr. Not.

Study: Showering Daily Decreases Penis Size

Posted on January 31, 2019 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TOKYO, Japan –

A study from a prestigious Japanese university proves that the size of the penis decreases proportionally according to the number of showers a man takes. The study, which was initialized by Dr. Eypee Frealy, found that in a sample size of over 1000 men of various ages, their penis size would decrease based on the number of showers they took.

“Japanese people are known to have a smaller penises, but we wanted to find out if this was true,” said Dr. Frealy. “Of course, the study proved it was factually correct compared to other countries, but it also means that that the Japanese are the cleanest men in the world – it’s the perfect excuse.”

Dr. Frealy explained that the phenomenon happens due to two separate factors – Washing causes friction that causes erosion at the area, and excessive hydration.

“In one instance, an excessively clean man had completely lost his penis up inside his body. He showered and washed 5 to 6 times each day for a year. His OCD completely caused his penis to disappear,” said Frealy. “It’s a rarity, but it happened.”

Government Releases The Cure For Cancer, But With The Largest Price Tag of Any Drug in History

Posted on October 31, 2018 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a breakthrough discovery, officials at the Scientific Lab For Study and Research in Washington, D.C., have developed the world’s first 100% cure for all types of cancer, no matter the region in the body or the severity. Researchers have been working on the drug for more than 20 years in secret, and trials on human subjects were just completed earlier this year.

The drug, which is already approved by the FDA for use in patients, has the largest price tag of any in the history of medicine. A single injection costs $4.7 million dollars, with the course of treatment needing a total of 52 injections over the course of a year. Final cost for the treatment? Nearly $2.5 billion dollars per person.

“We know that it’s really, really high, but frankly, there’s not much we can do about it,” said lead researcher, Mario Jones, M.D. “The ingredients in the drug warrant the cost. We’re actually taking a loss on each injection by several hundred thousand dollars. I cannot speak to, exactly, what is in the drug, because of patent concerns, but let me tell you, it’s really a great deal if you can get your hands on it.”

Michelle Obama Says She Plans To Run Against Trump in 2020 – With Barack As Her V.P.!

Posted on October 31, 2018 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a shocking move, Michelle Obama says she is ready to begin campaigning for a shot at the White House in 2020. The announcement comes after several months of speculation, but with Michelle always saying it wasn’t going to happen. The news also includes a shocking running mate – Michelle’s husband, former President Barack Obama.

“We had to look into the legalities a lot, because we were not 100% sure it could happen, but it turns out, everything is in order,” said Michelle Obama in a statement. “Barack finished his two terms as elected President, but would be allowed to serve two more terms as Vice President, were he able to get elected with a running mate who is eligible for the office. I believe I’m more than qualified for the job.”

When questioned about the issue, though, that if something were to happen to her after election, Barack would become President for a third term, Michelle smiled slyly.

“Yes, well…you do never know what the future holds,” she said.