11-Year-Old African-American Student Forced To Ride To School In The Back Of The Bus

Posted on August 12, 2014 by mike the inkman

WEST AKRON, Ohio –

The predominantly African-American community of West Akron is rife with discontent tonight after Jamal Johnson, a black student who attends a special summer-school program provided by the Akron school district, was forced to ride at the back of the bus for the entire forty-five minute ride. Shanteal Johnson, mother of Jamal, was understandably angry that her son was seated in the very rear of the bus, despite there being many other seats available.

“This is racism, plain and simple. They put my boy at the back of that bus, and there were all of them other seats available. They can say what they want, and they can spin it however, but this is a direct slap in the face of Rosa Parks, and an assault on African-Americans by the Akron School district,” said Johnson.

In response to the allegations of racism, Akron Public Schools has released an explanatory, yet scathing statement.

“While we do acknowledge that Jamal Johnson was seated at the back of the bus, we contest that the seating arrangements had anything to do with race. Yes, Jamal is African-American. He is also a paraplegic, and our handicapped accessible buses have a wheelchair lift at the rear entrance. The chair is lifted and rolled in through the rear door, where it is secured to the floor with a clamp system. So while he was seated at the back of the bus, the seating was simply due to the mechanical characteristics of the vehicle. Handicapped students of other races and heritages are seated in the same fashion. Any accusation of racism here is idiotic and patently ridiculous.”

The prepared statement was met with derision and incredulity by some Akronites who believe that the ramp story is just a convenient excuse, and Shanteal herself is undecided about whether or not to believe its contents.

“It all seems contrived to me, like maybe they knew when they designed these buses that there would be black handicapped students riding at the back of them someday. Maybe what they say is true, Lord knows I hope that it is; but for some reason, I feel that everyone is laughing at our expense. I guess I’ll take the statement at face value for now, but if I find out this has all been a big joke at the expense of the African-American people, there will be hell to pay.”

Throughout the awkward situation with its finger-pointing and flaring tempers, perhaps eleven year old Jamal has been the one to keep the coolest head.

“I like sitting at the back of the bus,” he said with a smile. “I don’t understand the problem. The back of the bus is where the cool kids sit anyway. It’s easier for me to talk to the other kids back there.”

Librarian Hospitalized After ‘Book Burning’ Incident Destroys Library

Posted on August 12, 2014 by DvanL

ZANESVILLE, Ohio –

Norma Garrison has been in charge of The Muskingum County Public Library in Zanesville, Ohio since 1974. “Education and culture are the most important gifts we can give our young people — within limits,” said Garrison from her hospital bed. The 62-year-old librarian is recovering from severe 3^rd degree burns suffered as the result of a fire authorities say she herself set in the library, trying to burn books she found unsuitable for public viewing.

“I’ve done this for years and nobody ever noticed ‘til now,” explained Garrison. “Used to be just a few I had to get rid of back when, but now with that Kenyan in office, telling us what to do and the way he’s turned the country radical — I can’t keep up.”

When asked who she was specifically referring to by “that Kenyan,” Garrison replied, “Don’t get cute. You know exactly who I’m talking about and I’m not afraid to say it — the President. And did you see where now his wife is forcing us to feed our children what she feeds her own? I don’t have children, but who does she think she is? Maybe it’s just fine for her kids to read that filth Fifty Shades of Grey, but it’s not okay for regular American kids who grow up around here. Someone has to speak for them.”

Fire Chief Robert Sutherland commented, “The entire back end of the building is gone. The alarms were disconnected so that explains why there was so much damage. We’re lucky no one was killed. The nursing home is right next door. I don’t know what Miss Garrison was thinking.”

Reaction from town residents is mixed. “There were rumors that Norma did this type of thing,” said local florist Sarah Donaldson. “We just joked about it ‘cause Norma is just so quiet and reserved.”

Resident Paul Fowler remarked, “Sometimes you would go in and look for a certain book and it wouldn’t be there. Norma would say she never heard of it, or that it was checked out and never brought back, or it got lost. Mind you, I’m not defending what she did, but I understand. She got real withdrawn after McCain lost. She changed. You could see it in her. She really liked that Sarah Palin and always had plenty of her books on display.”

“When I go back to work I guess I’ll have a lot of cleaning up to do,” remarked Garrison, seemingly unaware of the severity and consequences of her actions.

Garrison was charged with malicious damage to public property, and was removed from her position last week. She will be taken into custody after her release from Zanesville’s Genesis-Bethesda Hospital within the next few days.

Insurance investigators estimate damage to the library structure to be in the tens of thousands of dollars, not including the value of over 1,800 volumes of literature destroyed in the fire.

Food Scientist, Medical Doctors Slam Gluten-Free Diet Fad

Posted on July 21, 2014 by JP

SAN ANTONIO, Texas –

A new craze in the United States is gluten-free food items. Over the last few years, gluten-free items have been popping up left and right, and you can’t go to almost any food establishment without running into a menu item that is completely 100% gluten-free. Some people claim that they are so allergic to gluten that it can have the same effects on them as a peanut could to a person with a nut allergy.

In the day and age we live in there are so many different types of diets, supplements, and healthier food items out there it makes you wonder how people survived 60 years ago. With time we have learned that some people are allergic to certain foods such as shell-fish, peanuts, etc, and these allergies can be so serious as to cause death.

A scientist in San Antonio, Texas has found through testing, though, that this is not the case when it comes to gluten.

“I have done endless tests and examination on people who claim to be allergic to gluten,” said food scientist Dr. Phillip Ray. “I did test such as giving my subjects gluten and telling them I didn’t, and nothing ever happened. The funny thing is, when I gave my subject something without gluten, and claimed that it was not gluten-free, that is when they began to have reaction symptoms. I believe that it is all a mental complex, otherwise known as “stupidity,” and people want to believe they are being harmed by something that isn’t hurting them in the slightest. In fact, in case you weren’t aware, most people need gluten in their diets.”

So far, Dr. Ray is the only medical professional to try and make his theory known, publishing it in medical journals and securing spots on daytime talk shows, although most of his claims have already been backed up by medical science ages ago.

“Going ‘gluten-free’ in your diet has absolutely no health or diet benefits, and is a fad that has become commonplace, but really has no merit in the world of dieting,” said Dr. Joe Goldsmith, a specialist in allergies and disease. “Most people who lose weight on a gluten-free diet are only doing so because they are normally cutting out breads, wheats, and pastas – things that can, in large portions, cause an unhealthy weight. On the opposing end, though, unless you are extremely careful, a gluten-free diet will lack vitamins, minerals, and fibers your body needs.”

“If you don’t have celiac disease, eat your damn gluten,” said Dr. Ray. “You’re just making yourself look stupid when you go out to a restaurant and ask for a gluten-free menu. The waitress knows you don’t have celiac disease. The kitchen staff knows that you’re just being a picky bitch. You don’t have a wheat allergy. You’re just pretentious. You stop that nonsense immediately.”

Kentucky Town Funds Private School With After-Hours Pole Dancing Classes

Posted on July 10, 2014 by AlabamaWhitman

BARBOURVILLE, Kentucky –

Barbourville, KY is in one of the most financially strapped school districts in America. With most families having a median income well below the national poverty line, public schools in this district suffer greatly and so do the students. It’s hard to imagine that a private elementary school would pop up on the map in an area riddled with such economic despair, but despite the city’s money troubles, Beam Elementary, a private school for children in first through fifth grade, opened up its doors four years ago and is thriving in the small community. Originally the school was held in one single-wide trailer. Today, the school is much larger, and consists of 4 double-wide trailers plus the original single-wide.

Education is a major issue in today’s society. With wealthier communities comes better school districts, proven through higher test scores and the number of graduates these schools produce. The opposite holds true for poorer communities. Public schools receive local funding and a portion of property tax revenues, while private schools are privately funded through tuition and fundraising by the parents. It is a common belief that private schools offer better education to students than public schools can, but this isn’t always true. However, private schools tend to have greater amenities available to students. Private schools often employ higher paid teachers, and have smaller class sizes. These are just some of the contributing factors that may make a private education seem more advantageous than a public education.

“We want our children to have access to proper education. I want my child to have a chance at a good life, and to get the hell out of this poverty-stricken [expletive]-hole.” says Lindsay Fuller, a mother of eight, with two more on the way. Rightfully, she wants her children to have an opportunity to receive the best education around. Six of her children are enrolled at Beam Elementary.

With financing being an obvious hurdle, the mothers of the community gathered together to brainstorm a way to raise money for the school. What they came up with, though, has caused a divide in the community over the last few years. The majority of the school is financed through revenue raised from pole dancing classes held in the school cafeteria after classes end and on the weekends.

“This a privately funded school. I don’t see why we can’t have fun, learning how to show off our privates in order to fund it. These haters are just jealous ’cause our kids are gettin’ better educated then they’s kids.” states Brittany Dunes, a mother of 3 Beam school children, and an avid attender of the pole dancing classes.

Mary Bethlems, who has a son in the public school system, is on the opposing side of the argument. She expresses her concerns to anyone who will listen, often holding one-woman pickets outside Beam on nights when they are using it for the classes.

“It’s just not right. God says it’s not right. The Bible says it’s not right. These are God’s babies! We shouldn’t be teachin’ them in the same place where this devil nonsense is happenin’! What kind of example is this settin’? What kind of lessons are they bein’ taught?! I wonder…”

While school facilities are commonly used for exercise classes across the nation, this is the first in the country that has kept their doors open through funds in any way related to sexual activity.

“There aren’t really any laws in place that constitute what is allowed and what isn’t, I don’t think. I heard that pole dancin’ classes is really becomin’ a popular sport. I get the concerns people is havin’, but I also hear the need for better schoolin’ ’round here. And this is the best school we got.” Said Louise Ross, principal at Beam Elementary. “These kids, they need a good education, and if their moms be wantin’ to learn to take off they clothes and rub they selves all over that pole in order to give they kids the smarts they never had, then why would anyone care?