Carrie Fisher’s Ghost Reportedly Spotted On Hollywood Boulevard

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Star Wars fans have been hanging around Hollywood Boulevard for the last two days, after a man says he saw Carrie Fisher’s ghost hanging around downtown.

“It was the craziest thing I’ve ever seen,” said Mario Lewis, who is on vacation from Idaho. “There was this gorgeous woman, and she was dressed as Princess Leia from the Star Wars movies. I walked over to her and my eyes just bugged out. It was Princess Leia! It was the ghost of Carrie Fisher, and it made my life seeing that.”

Although so far no one else has seen Ms. Fisher’s ghost appear in Hollywood – or anywhere else – a rabid fanbase of Star Wars nerds have been wandering all over Hollywood, hoping to catch a glimpse.

A homeless woman, Marlene Simmons, who has lived in Hollywood her whole life, says that the tourist is just an idiot.

“There’s no damn ghost here. Never was of any other celebrity, sure as shit wouldn’t be of Carrie Fisher, neither,” said Simmons. “That damn fool just got confused because there are always people out here on the Boulevard, dressed up as characters from movies and what not. Dumbass saw a woman dressed like Princess whoever, got himself all riled up. Now get yo’ ass out my face. You’re standing in my bathroom.”

Pandas Will Go Extinct Within The Next Few Months, Study Finds

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Researchers at the Washington, D.C. House of Agriculture and Animal Affairs say that they expect Pandas will become extinct within the next few months, probably by June of 2017.

“We actually had no idea that pandas were really that rare, because we see pictures of them online all the time,” said HAAA chairman Joel Bornstein. “We thought they were doing pretty good out in the wild, but apparently not. There’s only a couple left.”

The HAAA says they are trying “really hard” to get a couple of pandas to “do their thing” and make some more panda babies, but they’re having a really hard time.

“We got two of the 17 pandas left in the world, and we have been doing everything to get them to have sexy time, but it’s just not working,” said Bornstein. “We’ve tried calming music, chocolates, wine…we even let them watch porn. Nothing has worked.”

The HAAA says that they hope that they can save the population of pandas before it’s too late, but they don’t hold out much hope.

Clinton Campaign Staffer Says Hillary Tried To ‘Sell Her Soul’ To Win, Turns Out She Doesn’t Have Soul

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

A former Clinton campaign staffer has come forward, claiming that Hillary Clinton literally tried to make a deal with the devil during the campaign, but it failed miserably.

“She had me on the phone for hours so that I could get in touch with Mr. Satan,” said the staffer. “I was able to reach him, finally, after many calls and call-backs. You’d be amazed how hard it is to get in touch with the Devil. Anyway, we arranged a meeting between The Dark One and Hillary.”

The anonymous staffer claims, though, that once the meeting was set and Satan showed up with the contract, the terms could not be met.

“Naturally, Satan wanted Hillary’s soul in exchange for the presidency, but as it turns out, Clinton doesn’t have a soul to begin with,” said the staffer. “Needless to say, Beelzebub was not very happy about making such a long trip for nothing, and vowed that she would never win. Turns out he was right.”

Satan could not be reached for comment about the deal.

National Anthem To Be Outlawed At Sporting Events, Public Gatherings

As Reported By ABCNews.com.co:

Early this morning, President Obama made what could very well prove to be the most controversial move of his presidency with the signing of Executive Order 14302, which makes it illegal to perform the national anthem at sporting events nationwide. Under the new order, it is now illegal to perform or recite the national anthem in any public venue. Because the anthem is primarily performed before sporting events, this is where the new order will have its biggest impact. Individuals who violate this order can face fines of up to…

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Obama Signs Executive Order Forcing Recount And Investigation Into ‘Rigged’ Election

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As Reported By ABCNews.com.co:

Following the results of Tuesday night’s election, President Obama has signed Executive Order 13805, which orders a full recount of all votes cast in the election and calls for a special election to be held on December 19th. Obama signed the order in response to the concerns of thousands of voters across the country who said that they were prevented from casting a ballot on election day, too many absentee ballots have not been found or counted, equipment failures, as well as concerns that some members of the electoral college may have acted unethically.

“People all over the country have been flooding my office with calls, telling my staff of horror stories about being harassed and intimidated by poll workers,” Obama told reporters. “Many have even said that they were flat out denied entry into the voting booths to cast their ballots if they were wearing…

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Trump Voter Shoots Liberal Nephew Over Argument At Thanksgiving Dinner

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As Reported By Satrina Tribune:

A Thanksgiving Day dinner turned deadly after a political argument ended with a 23-year-old graduate student being shot in the chest by his 62-year-old uncle.

Local police were called to the scene after neighbors reported the shooting. Family members were divided and uncooperative with the authorities. A Wausau Daily Herald news van arrived to report the story.

As uncle Wade was handcuffed and placed next to a cop car, the intoxicated man began defending his actions. “The kid that he was a know it all with his schooling,” said Wade. “What’s wrong with a factory job pulling a lever? If it’s good enough for a Chinaman to do, it’s good enough for me.”

Trump Claims Victory After Castro’s Death: ‘I Did It!’

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As Reported By Satira Tribune:

“Nobody could kill that guy but I did,” said Trump. “It was the easiest thing ever.”

With over 600 assassinations attempts on the Communist Cuban leader life over the past 60 years, Trump was eager to show leadership and that he meant business through power.

“JFK, internal enemies, all of them failed, but not me,” said Trump. “I’m already accomplishing more than the past ten presidents combined. I think the voter chose the right person for the right job,” he said. “Really, how hard is it to kill…

READ THE FULL STORY HERE

Law Professor Says There Is A ‘Very Good Chance’ Trump Can Be Impeached Immediately After Taking Office

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As Reported By Empire Herald:

Many voters didn’t expect that Republican candidate Donald Trump to win the election with all of the various fraud lawsuits and sexual assault cases against him, but he somehow managed to become the next President of the United States. As much of America (and the world) collectively voice their concerns regarding Trump’s win, many Americans are turning to Google to find out either how to move out of Canada or how to impeach Trump.

According to one law professor, it may be difficult to impeach President Trump now that the GOP is in control of both the Senate and the House of Representatives – but there is still a strong belief that there’s already enough evidence to impeach…

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Facebook, Twitter To Begin Charging Per Post Starting Next Year

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As Reported By Huzlers:

Mark Zuckerberg, Chairman of Facebook, and Jack Dorsey, Chairman of Twitter, both announced that they would begin charging users for posting and tweeting, respectively, very soon.

Mark Zuckerberg announced that Facebook will now be charging $0.50 USD for each post and $0.99 for each post that contains a website link. “It’s time we make a change” says Mark Zuckerberg, “we need to increase our revenue, charging per post is fair. We see so many pointless status updates, maybe now users will think before posting…

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German Scientists Are Able To Prove That There’s Life After Death

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As Reported By World News Daily Report:

A team of psychologists and medical doctors associated with the Technische Universität of Berlin, have announced this morning that they had proven by clinical experimentation, the existence of some form of life after death. This astonishing announcement is based on the conclusions of a study using a new type of medically supervised near-death experiences, that allow patients to be clinically dead for almost 20 minutes before being brought back to life.

This controversial process that was repeated on 944 volunteers over that last four years, necessitates a complex mixture of drugs including…

READ THE FULL STORY HERE

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