Louisville Coach Rick Pitino Just Used His Contract Buyout To Purchase The Playboy Mansion

Posted on September 28, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

pitino

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –

Louisville coach Rick Pitino, one of the winningest coaches in NCAA history who has won 770 games and two national championships and made seven Final Four appearances while also weathering multiple scandals, was put on unpaid leave Wednesday, after he was accused of secretly partnering with Adidas to funnel nearly $100,000 to the family of an elite prospect.

In response, Pitino asked for his release, which would entail a full contract buyout, ringing it at over $40 million dollars. His first purchase? The Playboy Mansion.

“I’ve wanted to buy the mansion for as long as I can remember, that grotto is a dream,” said Pitino. “Hugh Hefner was a legend, and a personal idol. He was smart, business savvy, and could – and did – have every girl he ever wanted. His death is tragic, but thankfully, his death has granted me my ultimate wish…to become the new owner of his Playboy Mansion.”

In 2015, a self-proclaimed escort named Katina Powell claimed in a tell-all book that she had been part of over 20 parties set up by the school for basketball players. The parties would bring in prostitutes to engage in sex acts with recruits to entice them to attend the college. At the time, Pitino had said he had “no knowledge” of the parties, but his most recent purchase may indicate otherwise, at least in the eyes of detractors.

“No, I definitely didn’t know of any sex parties at the school, or for players,” said Pitino. “All I know is what I heard afterwards. I wasn’t even invited, which is a total drag. I will tell you that I know of a lot of upcoming sex parties, you can bet on that. I won’t say when, but everyone absolutely knows where.”

Pitino has been the head coach in Louisville for almost 2 decades, but says that being put on leave might be the best thing that ever happened to him.

“I was upset at first, but in retrospect, sports aren’t forever. They’re not tangible, they’re nothing. They’re just in the now,” said Pitino. “You know what’s forever? The Playboy Mansion. That’s forever. It’s legendary. I can’t wait to move in and try it out…if you know what I mean.”

The sale is expected to go through within the next few weeks, as soon as Pitino’s contract payment is processed.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell Steps Down After Controversy Over National Anthem

Posted on September 27, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

goodell

ATLANTA, Georgia –

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has announced that he will step down from his position in light of the recent events surrounding players on several teams kneeling or sitting during the National Anthem. President Trump recently blamed Goodell for the behavior of the players, and said that he “should be ashamed” of himself.

“I am extremely ashamed, and I am embarrassed by the behavior of these players,” said Goodell. “President Trump is absolutely right that this is my fault. I allowed this to happen, and the players should be fired – but that’s not my decision to make anymore, as I am stepping down from this position.”

Goodell says that it isn’t just the recent events that lead him to this decision.

“Did you see the number of towels, t-shirts, and flags with my picture on it? Me, with a clown nose,” said Goodell. “I honestly just couldn’t take it. I ordered all broadcasters to not mention it at all, but there must have been 60 to 70,000 people wearing the shirts at the Patriots opener. It’s just too much pressure, and I’m done.”

The NFL has not yet said who they play to put in charge at this time, as they were “completely blindsided” by Goodell’s departure.

Equifax To Give Everyone Perfect 850 Credit Scores As Apology For Data Breach

Posted on September 26, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

equifax

ATLANTA, Georgia –

After a massive data breach that released sensitive information on nearly every single American, which caused a widespread panic over compromised data and credit scores, Equifax has announced that they are completely wiping out any remaining credit information, and that everyone would in turn be given an 850 credit score – the best available.

“While we maintain that this breach could have happened to any bureau or organization, and that we are not solely to blame, we understand what a breach of this magnitude means to the people of America,” said Equifax CEO Richard Smith, only moments before he stepped down as head of the credit bureau. “So, as an apology, we have decided to increase everyone’s scores to a higher level. The highest level, actually – 850. This should alleviate many concerns from the public.”

Equifax has commented that they have “100% re-secured their data,” and that the 850 scores will roll out in waves, based on last names and social security numbers. Having the 850 on Equifax could drastically increase credit ratings for many Americans, as loan companies – include those that offer credit cards, home loans, and car loans, base their credit decisions on the average of the 3 companies.

“Basically, someone who had a 350 score before, which is the lowest you can have, at all 3 bureaus, would now instantly go up to a 516 average,” said Smith. “Because most Americans have sub-prime credit scores that hover around 500-600, many of them will see their scores rise upwards of 100 points.”

President Trump Tweets That NFL Players Who Kneel in Protest Are ‘Secret Gays’

Posted on September 26, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Trump made a controversial tweet earlier today, commenting that any player in the NFL who kneels during the National Anthem are secretly gay, and that they’re just on their knees to think about “sucking all the dicks.”

The tweet has been reposted and favorited tens of thousands of times, with many people commenting that they’re in 100% agreement with the President.

“Frankly, I’m sick and tired of these NFL bitches thinking they can do whatever they want, say whatever they want, act however they want, and get away with it,” said Freddie Jones, 34, from Atlanta, on Facebook. “I’ve been a Falcons fan my whole life, but I’m paying them to play a game when I buy a ticket, not kneel down like a bunch of fags. Stand up for our anthem, Goddamnit.”

No official comment has been made by the NFL at the time of this writing, and President Trump said that he would respond to “any one of those dick gazers” that responded in dissent.

Donald Trump Makes MASSIVE Donation of Play-Doh To Texas Flood Victims; ‘They Need Things To Do and To Have Fun’

Posted on August 31, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

Trump

DALLAS-FORT WORTH, Texas –

President Trump visited some of the cities that have been almost completely washed away by Hurricane Harvey, bringing not only a positive message, but a MASSIVE donation of Play-Doh.

“These kids, and these people, everyone, all of them were affected by their homes being washed out from under them, WOOSH!” said President Trump. “They don’t have anything anymore. They don’t have a house or a toilet. These kids, they have no toys. They need toys, and they need to still be children, and not let themselves get too down because their house is gone now. So I have brought with me nearly 400 pallets of Play-Doh, and I want everyone to take a case for free.”

President Trump seemed to be extremely excited by the opportunity to give the Play-Doh, but most residents were not amused.

“It would be great if we had a place to go, maybe some goddamn food,” said one resident. “I mean, I guess I will just eat this fucking Play-Doh, though. Maybe I’ll build myself a new house out of it while I’m at it. Shit, this is the best day of my life.”

Maine Becomes the First State to Legalize Ecstasy

Posted on August 31, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ecstasy

AUGUSTA, Maine –

Maine has been in the news all year for legalizing marijuana for recreational use, and apparently legalizing weed was only the beginning. Following on the heels of the wave of marijuana legalization, some might be surprised to hear that Maine state legislature has decided to legalize the popular street drug Ecstasy. Recreational use of will become fully legal in the state by the end of this year.

The decision was met with controversy but “no more or less than the original decision to legalize marijuana,” Governor Paul LePage stated.

The state is still working out some guidelines and ground rules for suppliers, such as purity levels, permits, and health code requirements. While LePage says the vote was popular among a lot of people in the state, his decision came as a shock for many Mainers. Governor LePage did not comment on whether or not he partakes in the drug himself.

“By legalizing, monitoring, and taxing ecstasy, we will not only cut down on inmates and care costs, it will also open up a whole new job market,” LePage explains. “It’s a good situation all around, especially for taxpayers.”

Some of the most outspoken opponents, however, have been current drug dealers.

“Making it legal is a terrible idea,” a dealer, who chose to remain anonymous, told Empire News. “We don’t want regulated. We’re killing it stacking paper right now, but regular guys like me won’t be able to keep up with all the government regulations. This is gonna put me out of a job!”

Despite the negative press, experts estimate this legalization will drop the state’s debt by as much as 50% in the first year. This may translate into tax cuts, more public projects, better road maintenance, and possibly even government rehabilitation programs for more dangerous drugs like cigarettes.

“If they want people to not buy drugs legally, then for crying out loud they should shut down every Starbucks in the United States,”said LePage. “Marijuana, ecstasy, crack…hell, what’s the difference? The revenue the state will bring in, it’s astronomical. Health is one thing, but we’re talking about money here.”

Trump Plans To Demolish The Statue of Liberty, Says We No Longer Accept ‘Tired or Poor’

Posted on August 31, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Trump announced late last night that congress voted 322 to 105 in favor of dismantling the statue of liberty, due to its “misleading statements” engraved on the pedestal.

The statue reads: “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!” According to Americans Against Illegal Immigration, along with our Republican Congress and Donald Trump, this statement misleads immigrants from other countries. It may have them believing they are welcome into America at any time.

“We do not want to allow the tired, poor and homeless into this country. We have enough of those already,” said President Trump. “If they’re tired, poor, and homeless in their own country, what makes you think they’ll do any better over here?Guarantee you they will go on welfare and rob people to survive. That’s what they do. I cannot Make America Great Again if we’re always feeding the hungry from other countries.”

The dismantling of the Statue of Liberty is set to begin March 1, 2018. It is estimated it will take two months to dismantle, then released for shipment back to France by the end of next year. The Statue of Liberty has been seated on Liberty Island in the middle of New York Harbor since October 28, 1886.

The New York historical Museum has already vowed to occupy the area around the historic site for a “sit in” type protest where they will handcuff one another to form a complete circle around the base of the statue.

“They cannot tear it down if we form an unbreakable human barrier,” said José Ramirez, president of the Immigrant Resource Center of New York. “As Patrick Henry said, ‘Give me liberty, or give me death!’ We are not backing down.”

World Health Organization Admits Over 50,000 People Accidentally Injected with Ebola Virus Instead of Flu Vaccine

Posted on August 31, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ebola

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Over 50,000 people throughout the United States are on high alert this week after flu vaccines were contaminated with the Ebola virus and accidentally sent out to clinics throughout the country.

Recipients had lined up for flu vaccinations in 10 different states across the country, including California, Nevada, Arizona, Texas, Georgia, Florida, Michigan, New York, Minnesota, and Illinois.

According to a report filed at the World Health Organization, the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases (NIAID) accidentally exchanged the synthetic flu vaccine for vials that contained an experimental compound of the Ebola virus. This compound contaminated nearly 50,000 doses of various vaccines, most of which were sent across the country to be used in low income clinics.

These vaccines were distributed throughout August of 2017, although the NIAID says they are not 100% sure which clinics received the “infected” doses, and that at this point in time, it’s entirely likely that all of them have been used and given to patients.

The WHO has been reaching out to people that have possibly been infected, demanding mandatory quarantines at local FEMA camps. However, the WHO has been unavailable for comment. No specific treatment is available for Ebola infections, and the case fatality rate ranges from 80% to 100%, depending on the virus subtype.

MASSIVE Milk Recall In Place After Iodine Found in Country’s Biggest Supplier

Posted on August 29, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TOPEKA, Kansas –

A devastating report coming out of the Midwest United States this morning announces a recall of over 2.5 million gallons of milk that tested positive for iodine. The tainted milk has left at least 34 adults dead and has sickened thousands more.

Golden Tropics Farm, the world’s largest dairy farm which produces nearly 300,000 gallons of milk every day, says that 100% of their milk has tested positive for iodine. Golden Tropics has not commented on how the chemical was able to get into the milk and cause the contamination.

Symptoms of acute iodine poisoning include burning of the mouth, throat, and stomach, fever, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, a weak pulse, cyanosis, and comas.

Due to the massive amount of tainted milk that has already been sold in stores, the recall asks you simply dispose of any milk that has been purchased between August 1, 2017 and September 1, 2017 – no matter the brand, as Golden Tropics supplies nearly 400 milk brands throughout the United States.

Economists say this is the biggest milk recall in US history, and could potentially raise milk prices to nearly $15 dollars a gallon through the remainder of the year, as farms such as Golden Tropics struggle to catch up for demand.

If You Thought This Eclipse Was a Big Deal, Wait Until You See This ‘Moon Duplication’

Posted on August 29, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WORLDWIDE –

The Internet has been buzzing over the last couple of weeks as stargazers prepare to witness the most miraculous event seen in this generation. On September 5, 2017 the moon will appear to duplicate 37 times, with this phenomenon being visible from almost every spot on Earth. According to astronomers, this event will not recur until the year 2274, and hasn’t happened in nearly 300 years.

For those who are unaware, the Earth’s moon is positioned approximately 22 light years away from us, almost on the other end of the Milky Way, which means we don’t see the Moon the way it is visible today; we are actually seeing a version of the moon from 22 years ago. On September 5, we will see a reflection of the last 37 years due to a cosmic light anomaly from the sun’s once-in-a-lifetime alignment.

If you are as excited about this as everybody else is on the Internet, SHARE this with your friends so they do not miss this once-in-a-lifetime event. Remember, this will not happen again for nearly 260 years!