WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Deluded DEA junkies have once again expressed unwarranted belief that they can win the “War on Drugs.” Members of the administration, who must be high on something really potent, told reporters that they’ve made a lot of headway in the last few years, and are close to a decisive victory.
Michele Leonhart, head of the Drug Enforcement Administration, who recently expressed her insane fear that rabbits might get stoned if the legal marijuana industry grows, says that her team are doing all they can to keep humans and animals away from drugs.
“Rabbits are getting high,” she slurred. “And Obama-Pama-Llama thinks that marijuana is safer than alcohol. Well that’s dumb and not cool at all. Rabbits deserve to drink alcohol. Alcohol deserves to be legal. Drugs are bad… Drugs are baaaa-aaad.”
Second in command, Rudolph Potgieter, agreed with her sentiments.
“Drugs are baaaa-aaad. Rabbits are safe. Alcohol must not be getting high,” he said at the same press conference. “We can win. We’re almost there. No teenagers do drugs anymore it’s not cool and all the dealers are in jail where we put them woohoo. Walter White is dead and blue meth a bad dream. You killed Uncle Hank!”
Drug dealers across the country were unphased by the DEA’s assessment.
“They’re our biggest customers,” said a dealer, identified only as Clayvon. “They don’t know they getting drugs. They think it’s magic powder. It is, sorta, and we feed them ideas bout how they winning and all, and that drugs no longer exist.”
The Obama administration expressed their dismay at the level of delusion the DEA has sunk to.
“The rabbit thing was bad,” said spokesperson Jay Carney. “So was the whole ‘alcohol is safer’ debacle. But this? They think they’re winning? They think they’ve even got a chance? They really need to get off whatever it is they’re taking.”