WASHINGTON, D.C. –
In a follow-up study after last week’s #TheDress controversy, neuroscientists have confirmed that people who saw white and gold, as opposed to the dress’s true colors of black and blue, have important mental deficiencies. The reason that these individuals – about 26% of those surveyed – see the wrong colors, is that their brains are not adaptable enough to note subtle changes in a photograph’s hemispheric hue.
“This goes a long way to explaining the huge deficit between sectors of the world’s functioning population,” said head researcher, Dr. Larry Thoreaux. “Those we term ‘team white-and-gold’ are not intellectually crippled in such a way as to be clinically retarded or unable to carry out everyday tasks. However, they can be routinely expected to perform poorly in arguments, have only minimal career success, and be severely irritating by remaining stubborn in believing delusional realities.”
The discoveries have resulted in debates about #TheDress once again breaking out in full force, with team white-and-gold especially vehement.
“Scientists are holding our society for ransom!” shouted one deluded fool.
“Never believe what you read!” was a third’s insistence, at which point we stopped listening to their ramblings.
Members of team blue-and-black – the correct, well-adapted majority – were circumspect and straightforward in response.
“We’ve seen the actual dress, in person, and it is blue and black,” said a non-mentally deficient individual. “Those who do not accept that reality are deluded, and we pity them. Science is pointing us towards technological and biological development and must not be underestimated, even if these poor fools are mentally unable to accept the truth.”
At time of press, our offices have erupted into fearsome fighting, with mentally deficient colleagues screaming irrational sentiments and flinging chairs around at their smarter (and coincidentally better looking) co-workers.