#TheDress: Neuroscientists Say People Who See White, Gold Have Mental Deficiencies

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#TheDress: Neuroscientists Say People Who See White, Gold Have Mental Deficiencies

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

In a follow-up study after last week’s #TheDress controversy, neuroscientists have confirmed that people who saw white and gold, as opposed to the dress’s true colors of black and blue, have important mental deficiencies. The reason that these individuals – about 26% of those surveyed – see the wrong colors, is that their brains are not adaptable enough to note subtle changes in a photograph’s hemispheric hue.

“This goes a long way to explaining the huge deficit between sectors of the world’s functioning population,” said head researcher, Dr. Larry Thoreaux. “Those we term ‘team white-and-gold’ are not intellectually crippled in such a way as to be clinically retarded or unable to carry out everyday tasks. However, they can be routinely expected to perform poorly in arguments, have only minimal career success, and be severely irritating by remaining stubborn in believing delusional realities.”

The discoveries have resulted in debates about #TheDress once again breaking out in full force, with team white-and-gold especially vehement.

“Scientists are holding our society for ransom!” shouted one deluded fool.

“They’re as wrong about this as they are about that dress being blue and white!” boomed another, confusingly.

“Never believe what you read!” was a third’s insistence, at which point we stopped listening to their ramblings.

Members of team blue-and-black – the correct, well-adapted majority – were circumspect and straightforward in response.

“We’ve seen the actual dress, in person, and it is blue and black,” said a non-mentally deficient individual. “Those who do not accept that reality are deluded, and we pity them. Science is pointing us towards technological and biological development and must not be underestimated, even if these poor fools are mentally unable to accept the truth.”

At time of press, our offices have erupted into fearsome fighting, with mentally deficient colleagues screaming irrational sentiments and flinging chairs around at their smarter (and coincidentally better looking) co-workers.

Barack Obama In Blue Suit May Actually Be White President in Gold Suit

obamabluesuit

 

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

A fearsome debate has broken out on social media across the globe over whether Barack Obama is a black president dressed in blue, or a white president dressed in gold. Obama has long been considered the first black president of America, but is he really?

The controversy was sparked by a photo of the president at a gala event in California last weekend. Although more than fifty percent of viewers saw the African American leader in a blue suit, a significant minority insist that he is a white man in a gold suit. YouTube videos attempting to explain the phenomena have gone viral, but which reality is real?

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“This is a fantastic example of how people’s brains do not interpret sensory input in a uniform way,” said physicist Michael Surewood. “There are many possible explanations for why different individuals see different colors, including the possibility of our minds assuming that the president was standing in shade, that shadows were falling across his outfit, and so on. But what is clear, is that the very identity of our country’s leader is in doubt.”

Republican MPs have come out strongly in support of the white and gold rendering of the president, some going so far as to say that the “first African American President line was a simple deception to draw in liberal votes.” Rand Paul, a possible contender for the 2016 presidential elections, is at the forefront of this view.

“You can’t tell me what I’m seeing is wrong,” he said to reporters. “I see a white president in a gold suit, and that’s that. Am I meant to believe that my eyes don’t work properly? I’ve been categorizing people by colors all my life. I think I would know when I see a white man.”

However, photographs have emerged of the prototype of Barack Obama, showing conclusively a black president in a blue suit. Debate may continue over why Obama looks white to some Americans, but what is sure is that he really is a black man.

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