J.K. Rowling Admits She Wrote Harry Potter to Convert Kids to Wicca

LONDON, England – J.K. Rowling Admits She Wrote Harry Potter to Convert Kids to Wicca

In a statement on her official website, Harry Potter series author J.K. Rowling finally admitted that she wrote the series on behalf of the Wiccan religion. In years past, many Christian groups were considered obnoxious for advocating that the books be banned from schools due to their potential for polluting children’s brains with belief in witchcraft, but apparently they were not as crazy as originally thought.

“It’s been so many years, and the built-up guilt has been like a rainy cloud following me everywhere I go. When I write, when I sleep, when I practice magic, when I go to the bank to deposit my billion dollar Harry Potter checks . . . my secret was like my Horcrux, and now I’ve destroyed it so my soul can be whole again for the witches,” Rowling wrote. “It’s about time that I tell the world I am a strong supporter of Wicca. I truly believe in its benefits as a religion. I wrote Harry Potter to please the Mother Goddess. They needed new followers, and they needed young followers. I wrote the series to manipulate young minds into believing witchcraft was real, and it worked.”

According to Rowling, the Wiccan community knew about this the whole time. In fear of losing followers if they released the series’ true intentions early, they forced Rowling to wait until it already fulfilled their hopes and dreams—a younger, broader Wiccan community. “She saved us. Everyone who reads Harry Potter or watches the movies supports us. Rowling donates a large portion of her money to our experiments and facilities,” an anonymous and active Wiccan witch said.

Rowling closed her statement saying, “I am deeply sorry if I have offended you with my propaganda. I hope that my readers, Wiccan or not, can still enjoy my work. And above all, I hope that this revealing information does not influence your opinions on myself, Harry, Ron, Hermione, and especially Hedwig.”

Priscilla Presley To Release Nude Photos Of Herself And Elvis In Revised Autobiography

MEMPHIS, Tennessee – Priscilla Presley To Release Nude Photos Of Herself And Elvis In Revised Autobiography

Early this morning Priscilla Presley, the 69 year-old widow of the one and only Elvis Presley, announced through her publicist, Catherine Rigsby, that she would be re-releasing her autobiography ‘Elvis And Me,’ to include several new chapters and never-before-seen photographs of her and The King.

“Priscilla felt as if she did not fulfill the desires of Elvis Presley fans with the first release of her autobiography ‘Elvis And Me’. After years of consideration, she has decided to re-release the already wonderfully written memoir with added stories and accounts of her life with Elvis.” Rigsby told a room of selected reporters.

In the original ‘Elvis and Me’, released in 1985 and written with ghostwriter Sandra Harmon, she told stories of how Elvis loved taking nude photos of the couple together with a Polaroid camera, many of which were of a pornographic nature. In their press conference this morning, Rigsby also announced that there would, indeed, be several of these “adult oriented” photographs published in the new release of her book.

“Along with a deeper look into their personal lives behind closed doors, [Priscilla] feels that it is the right thing to release these photos to the fans of Elvis Presley,” said Rigsby. “Many of the photographs will be included in a chapter of the book which is named ‘Elvis Didn’t Just Belong To Me, He Belonged To All Women.’ When she got to writing this portion of the book, she felt the only thing to do was to open up to the world and expose all, literally. She is very excited to offer the most loyal fans in the world this amazing opportunity.”

The book, titled ‘Elvis and Me: Exposed’ is slated to hit shelves on December 9th with 5,000 limited edition copies which will include another amazing, sacred gift for Elvis diehards – one free pass to tour the historic Graceland mansion, with VIP access, which includes a very rare opportunity for fans to go up the stairs and into Elvis’s sacred bedroom which has always been off-limits to public tours.

“Presley Enterprises have decided to offer this incredible VIP package for the consumers of the limited edition release of 5,000, which not only includes never before offered VIP access throughout Graceland and Elvis’s bedroom, but these copies of the book will also be bound by a gold-plated hardback cover and individually signed by Priscilla. They will also come with original, 8×10 photos that were signed by Elvis before he died, and uncovered during a recent cleaning of his personal belongings. We know the release of this material is sure to cause some controversy, but the story is finally being told by Priscilla the way she wants the world to hear it, completely uncensored. There will be a book signing tour once the second-edition is released. Release date for the second edition will be one week after the limited edition release date on December 16th.” Rigsby told the press.

Priscilla Presley, who did not attend the press conference, will make several television appearances in the week leading up to the limited-edition release date. There is also talk of the release of an Elvis album, featuring various live performances in 1955 and 1956 which are said to be enhanced to meet optimum listening standards, but official word on the album has not yet been released by Presley’s estate.

Kim Kardashian Teams With Revlon To Combat Illiteracy

LOS ANGELES, California – empire-news-kim-kardashian-teams-with-revlon-to-combat-illiteracy

In a move to rival Paris Hilton’s career-spanning work highlighting STD awareness, Kim Kardashian’s publicist has announced that she has been named the spokesmodel for a new campaign to combat illiteracy, aimed at fashion-conscious children. The line of educational books, titled ‘Kim and me learn our A-B-Ks”, is set to hit both bookstores and make-up counters next month, featuring spelling and pronunciation guides that will help students by relating English grammar to various make-up techniques and color names.

The books will follow a distinct learning curve, allowing readers to enjoy whimsical nonsense illustrations as they progress from lessons like “eyeliner is good for meeting at the diner, but looking thinner is best before dinner” to more advanced material such as “I apply rouge before standing in queues”.  The illustrations, handled by British artist Sandey Sime (of “The Pick Me Up” and “The Idler” renown), each relate to the subject matter of their accompanying text. Revlon predicts the star potential of Kardashian will help drive the product line which combats one of our nation’s greatest challenged in education.

“We want to make Kim’s name a byword for illiteracy.” Said a representative for Revlon.

The move comes as no surprise to Kim’s fans, who’ve followed her example by bolstering the spirit of cancer researchers across the world with their online support, and providing bulimia therapists a broad social spectrum from which to study the threat of body dysmorphia. In a recent weekday press conference, Kardashian met with fans aged 10 to 16, who wished to confront difficulty in reading together with their idol.

I’m not afraid to admit I get nervous being asked to read from the board in school.” Said  14 year-old Chandler Noxwell of Perth Amboy, NJ.  “Kim showed us that there are even words grown-ups like her have trouble reading, like ‘algebra’ and ‘water’.”

Several students were given an afternoon pass to attend the event, during which Kim could be seen reading along through pre-press editions of the books and sounding out some of the more challenging rhymes. Kardashian lead one student through the sentence “I shouldn’t rush when applying…my…bluss…”, stopping to quip “Well that’s the street pronunciation, right?” before laughing and hugging the child to her for photos.

Reporters at the event were also treated to a brief speech by the famous reality TV star, wherein they were asked to “understand the fear these children face daily in school, at home, in subtitles. The bravest learner is one who fails, but refuses to give up and tell themselves that they just can’t. I know this whenever I watch my husband work, and I want to support these kids as much as I do him.”

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