Jay-Z Buys LA Dodgers, Plans On Moving Them Back To Brooklyn For 2015 Season

LOS ANGELES, California – Jay-Z Buys LA Dodgers, Plans On Moving Them Back To Brooklyn For 2015 Season

The battle for MLB in Los Angeles is over, as it looks as though the Angels will soon be the only LA team. Rapper and media mogul Jay Z and his Rockafella Investment Group have bought the Los Angeles Dodgers, and word is he’s bringing them back home to Brooklyn for the 2015 season.

“It all came together beautifully,” said Jay-Z, real name Shawn Carter. ”I already own Washington Park, home of the Brooklyn Cyclones. Dodger Stadium suffered just enough damage in a minor November earthquake to make it unsafe, and the Dodgers were a steal at just $2 billion. Washington Park is a little small, but it will be a nice intimate setting until I can build something bigger. I’m going to have my babygirl Beyonce sing the National Anthem on opening day! Hell I may have her sing it every time we’re there. The Brooklyn Dodgers are back home where they belong, it’s a beautiful thing!” 

”I love New York and it’s going to be great to be back again,” said Brooklyn Dodgers Manager Don Mattingly. “I know the players are looking forward to it, and a happy team equals a winning team, for sure, so it’s going to be a great season. Playing in a minor league park is going to be like old-time baseball, and Jay-Z is going to be great to play for.” 

“This is a freaking Christmas miracle,” said Brooklyn resident Carmine Classi. ”Oh, I’m sorry I don’t want to piss off Mr. Politically Correct Mayor De Blasio, so it’s  a freaking holiday miracle, whatever. Either way, this is the best day of my life. God bless the Brooklyn Dodgers and God bless Jay-Z!”


Professional Chef And Cannibalism Expert Denied Restaurant Permit

BROOKLYN, New York – Professional Chef And Cannibalism Expert Denied Restaurant Permit

Charles Freihoffer loves food.  He also happens to hold a degree in psychology, and is an authority on people who practice, or claim to practice, cannibalism.  “I’ve been called on to offer expert testimony on cases where some pretty grisly crimes have taken place.  It’s a very specific disorder and the work takes its toll, so my stress relief for all that is cooking.”

“I wanted to open a dungeon-themed restaurant called Ground Chuck,” Freihoffer explained, with a wry smile.  “I decided to ‘go dungeon’ because the space I found was a basement space.  So I went and applied for the permits, but I got turned down.”

“Charlie should be able to open a restaurant,” says his mother, Danielle. “I’m not just saying that because he’s my son and I’m his mother, I’m saying it because he’s good at what he does.  This is supposed to be the land of free enterprise and that type of thing, last time I checked!”

“I had menu ideas going and everything,” said Freihoffer.  “I wanted it to be fun, so I put together some traditional stuff, but with my sense of humor in it because a lot of my friends know what kind of job I do.  So I came up with some fun stuff:  ribs, leg of lamb, pork shoulder, elbow macaroni, kidney beans, artichoke hearts, things like that, real ‘groaners.’  I think it’s a great idea and fun for the neighborhood, but I guess no one has a sense of humor anymore.”

Susan Metzger, Administrator for the New York City Food & Beverage Commission, was able to give some advice to Freihoffer after his permit was denied.  “I told him that even in a so-called ‘edgy’ city like New York, with all the restaurants and trends and themes and whatnot, unless you’re a Disney or a Planet Hollywood or a Guy Fieri, it’s gonna be an uphill battle.  Honestly, some of the ideas he had, they came off a little too, um…creative and scary.”

“Believe it or not, the big guys are afraid of the little guys,” she continued.  “The reality is, New York is becoming more conservative.  Even from where I sit, I can see that.  I told him how to appeal and to apply again.  I wish him luck.  He seems like a nice guy. It sounds like a fun idea.”

“This isn’t the same place I grew up in,” said Freihoffer.  “The edge is gone.  All the fun is being squashed out by the big-wigs and the corporations so little guys like me get screwed.  I don’t know any famous people like Rachel Ray or folks like that, but I mean how am I supposed to get my start? It’s bad enough that opening a restaurant in the NYC means that at any time they could ban a random food item, like they tried to do with large sodas. The city is crazy.”

Freihoffer remains optimistic and appreciates the help and support he receives from his friends and family.

“Well, now it’s just wait-and-see.  Here I thought the hardest part was going to be finding the right place to open up,” said Friehoffer.  “That was the easiest part!  Now it’s all this red tape.  Hey, I’m going to keep trying, so stay tuned!” he said, giving the ‘thumbs-up’ gesture.

Piñata Horror: Grandfather Beaten For Candy at Quinceañera

BROOKLYN, New York – Piñata Horror- Grandparent Beaten For Candy at Quinceañera

The Hispanic tradition of Quinceañera, the celebration of a young girl’s transition from childhood to maturity, is rich in religious customs, family values and the bonds of friendship, loyalty and responsibility.  Young girls look forward to this celebration that often takes years of preparation and planning.

“I waited my entire life for this,” said Lucia Montez, 15, from the Park Slope section of Brooklyn.  “But if I had to wait all over again, I would not do it,” she sobbed.

Rather than celebrating with family and friends, Lucia sits at the hospital bedside of her recuperating grandfather, 78-year-old Roberto “Tito” Montez.  ‘Abuelo Tito,’ as he is lovingly referred to by Lucia, is recovering from a vicious beating at the hands of a group of children, apparently angered that they arrived late to the Montez family’s celebration.

“We decided to have the big party at The Grand Prospect Hall Ballroom,” said Lucia’s mother Alma.  “’We make your dreams come true!’ is what the famous commercial says on television.  It is now more like a terrible nightmare that none of us wanted to come true, but it did.”

According to Lucia, a group of six or seven children not originally invited to the Ballroom, crashed the party and were told that they would be welcome at the more informal gathering which was to take place at the Montez family home, later in the day.

“They weren’t even ever invited to come here!” said Lucia, angrily.  “They barely know me!  They started getting mad so then Abuelo Tito told them if they behaved themselves, they could stop by the house later.”

“He just wanted to get rid of them,” added Alma.

“They didn’t show up until late at night,” said Lucia, “and we were putting things away by then.  Abuelo Tito was taking down the empty piñata that was broken already and hanging by a rope.  It was a Dora The Explorer piñata and you had to hit her in the head to get the candy to come out.  So the kids asked my Abuelo Tito for some candy and he told them to go home, the party was over.  Then I heard the yelling and the screaming and then we …” Lucia could not continue.

“We ran outside,” continued Alma.  “Those bad kids were beating my father with sticks saying ‘Where’s my candy, Papa Piñata?  Can candy come out of you if we beat you now, viejo?  More candy, more candy!’  It was a horrible thing to see, and we all pushed them away.  Papa was lying there next to Dora, all covered with crepe paper and bruises.  Then we came to the hospital.”

Abuelo Tito was able to speak and offer thanks to well-wishers.

“These bad kids, they were not from the neighborhood.  They were outsiders and were bored, so they chose our family to cause trouble with.  They don’t have enough to do except play games, then they get bored.  I forgive them, but I will not forget. I’m a tough old bird, my family says.”

“I have a party ready for him when he gets home tomorrow or the next day,” said Lucia.  “Inside for the party, please, Lucia” said Abuelo Tito, sending the room into laughter.  “Look, everyone!” he said, “That’s the first time Lucia gives us all a smile!”

Abuelo Tito was treated for lacerations and a mild concussion, and a full recovery is expected.  The children responsible for the assault remain at large.

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