Woman Who Ate 3 of Her Children Released From Prison After Only 2 Years

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PHOENIX, Arizona – 

A 32-year-old woman, Maria Astrana, was convicted in late 2014 of cannibalizing three of her six children, and sentenced to life in prison. Surprisingly, Astrana was released from jail today after serving just slightly over two years, thanks to a bizarre technicality and typing error.

According to lawyers, Astrana’s sentenced was cut drastically short when they filed a motion to dismiss based on a typo in her official court documents.

“Ms. Astrana’s officially written sentence was typed as ‘lif (sic) without parole,'” said her lawyer, Darius Marques, Esq. “Because of this, we took her case to a new judge, who found that her sentence could not be completely verified, and as such she would be let out of prison.”

Outrage over the decision has already begun spreading across social media, with many calling out the Governor of Arizona for allowing this to happen under his watch.

“I can’t even walk across the street outside of a crosswalk without getting a ticket, and this bitch can eat some of her kids like she’s a wild animal, and only serve two years?” said Phoenix resident Alexandra Jones. “This is crazy. They might as well just do away with laws all together. The hell with it.”

Astrana says that she has already consulted with her old job, and they plan to offer to give her back her old position. She previously worked at the Lil’ Tykes Daycare center in Phoenix.

Study Shows Exactly How Much Human Meat Is In A McDonald’s Burger

McDonald’s history is not a good one, and fast food restaurants are already known to have a lot of “mystery” ingredients, but this rumor tops the list. This disturbing audio admission in the youtube video below will make you cringe, as the interview between James Wickstrom and Rabbi Finkelstein discussed the gruesome practices of the type of “meat” used at McDonald’s.

 Rabbi Finkelstein says that their tradition of blood sacrifice has been going on for thousands and thousands of years. “We take the children of the enemy, which is the white race, we bring them to the basements of the synagogues where we drain them, similar to kosher butchering. Then we send them off to the meat grinders, where they end up in the McDonald’s hamburgers and sausages.”

He explains that these children are sent to meat grinder facilities and sold off to McDonald’s for a profit. Since most of these meat grinding facilities are by the Mexican border line, many of the employees are illegal immigrants and are willing to keep their mouths closed about this information because they are making a good living to send home to their families. Rabbi Finkelstein has no problem telling the interviewer, “You are eating your children every day”.

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(via: Now 8 News)

New York City Restaurant Becomes First To Get License To Serve Human Flesh

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NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

Where else but New York City? A newly opened restaurant within the city limits is boasting the nation’s first license to serve human flesh on the menu. The restaurant, simply called SKIN, received a license after petitioning the state and federal governments over laws against cannibalism.

“As a species, we are at the top of the food chain, and the only meat left to tackle was other humans,” said SKIN owner Mario Dorcy, a 4-star Michelin chef. “We battled long and hard to be able to serve human meat in our restaurant, and the government finally conceded that were were in the right.”

Dorcy says that he has been fighting cannibal ordinance laws for over 10 years, and was finally given the green-light after he promised that the meat that was used would only come from people who had donated their bodies specifically to his restaurant, knowing full well that they would be eaten.

“We have to keep meticulous records, and there is a lot of paperwork someone has to fill out before they die, and before they can be eaten,” said Dorcy. “We do pay handsomely for body donations, though, and the money can be used for anything, since funeral expenses become zero when you donate your body to be eaten.”

Dorcy says that there are plenty of dishes on the menu that do not include human meat, but those leery of the process should not order at all.

“Just like on those packages of candies with allergy warnings that say ‘the machines also are used to make items with nuts,’ our utensils are also used to cook human meat,” said Dorcy. “So don’t come in if you’re not down with what we do.”

Baby Taken Into Police Custody After Killing, Eating Parents

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BOISE, Idaho – 

A 2-month old baby was taken into police custody after reportedly killing and eating its own parents in Boise, Idaho, say police. Sources inside the investigation say they are still trying to determine how, exactly, the baby was able to kill his parents – Kathy and Michael Davidson, both 30 – and eat them without anyone hearing cries for help.

Rosie Jenkins, a neighbor, who asked not to be identified, said that she heard the baby laughing for quite a while, but she didn’t hear anyone playing with him or talking back.

“The baby’s name is Jarod,” said Ms. Jenkins. “And he always seemed like such a happy baby. I am so shocked and surprised at this turn of events, because normally a baby so happy like that doesn’t turn to violence until much, much later. And to have eaten his own parents! My God, it’s crazy. That’s the world we live in now, I guess. You never know someone until they’re being arrested.”

“This whole thing is a real mystery,” said Boise police chief Mark Hall. “I’ve been on the force over 20 years, and never have a seen a baby act this violently. The scene – the house, the tables, the walls, even the baby – they were all covered in blood and gore. It was a disaster.”

Police say that they are struggling to question the 2-month old, as of right now, Jarod doesn’t speak. They say that they plan to keep him in a holding cell until such time as he learns to talk, and then they plan to try and question him again.

Professional Chef And Cannibalism Expert Denied Restaurant Permit

BROOKLYN, New York – Professional Chef And Cannibalism Expert Denied Restaurant Permit

Charles Freihoffer loves food.  He also happens to hold a degree in psychology, and is an authority on people who practice, or claim to practice, cannibalism.  “I’ve been called on to offer expert testimony on cases where some pretty grisly crimes have taken place.  It’s a very specific disorder and the work takes its toll, so my stress relief for all that is cooking.”

“I wanted to open a dungeon-themed restaurant called Ground Chuck,” Freihoffer explained, with a wry smile.  “I decided to ‘go dungeon’ because the space I found was a basement space.  So I went and applied for the permits, but I got turned down.”

“Charlie should be able to open a restaurant,” says his mother, Danielle. “I’m not just saying that because he’s my son and I’m his mother, I’m saying it because he’s good at what he does.  This is supposed to be the land of free enterprise and that type of thing, last time I checked!”

“I had menu ideas going and everything,” said Freihoffer.  “I wanted it to be fun, so I put together some traditional stuff, but with my sense of humor in it because a lot of my friends know what kind of job I do.  So I came up with some fun stuff:  ribs, leg of lamb, pork shoulder, elbow macaroni, kidney beans, artichoke hearts, things like that, real ‘groaners.’  I think it’s a great idea and fun for the neighborhood, but I guess no one has a sense of humor anymore.”

Susan Metzger, Administrator for the New York City Food & Beverage Commission, was able to give some advice to Freihoffer after his permit was denied.  “I told him that even in a so-called ‘edgy’ city like New York, with all the restaurants and trends and themes and whatnot, unless you’re a Disney or a Planet Hollywood or a Guy Fieri, it’s gonna be an uphill battle.  Honestly, some of the ideas he had, they came off a little too, um…creative and scary.”

“Believe it or not, the big guys are afraid of the little guys,” she continued.  “The reality is, New York is becoming more conservative.  Even from where I sit, I can see that.  I told him how to appeal and to apply again.  I wish him luck.  He seems like a nice guy. It sounds like a fun idea.”

“This isn’t the same place I grew up in,” said Freihoffer.  “The edge is gone.  All the fun is being squashed out by the big-wigs and the corporations so little guys like me get screwed.  I don’t know any famous people like Rachel Ray or folks like that, but I mean how am I supposed to get my start? It’s bad enough that opening a restaurant in the NYC means that at any time they could ban a random food item, like they tried to do with large sodas. The city is crazy.”

Freihoffer remains optimistic and appreciates the help and support he receives from his friends and family.

“Well, now it’s just wait-and-see.  Here I thought the hardest part was going to be finding the right place to open up,” said Friehoffer.  “That was the easiest part!  Now it’s all this red tape.  Hey, I’m going to keep trying, so stay tuned!” he said, giving the ‘thumbs-up’ gesture.

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