New York City Restaurant Becomes First To Get License To Serve Human Flesh

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NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

Where else but New York City? A newly opened restaurant within the city limits is boasting the nation’s first license to serve human flesh on the menu. The restaurant, simply called SKIN, received a license after petitioning the state and federal governments over laws against cannibalism.

“As a species, we are at the top of the food chain, and the only meat left to tackle was other humans,” said SKIN owner Mario Dorcy, a 4-star Michelin chef. “We battled long and hard to be able to serve human meat in our restaurant, and the government finally conceded that were were in the right.”

Dorcy says that he has been fighting cannibal ordinance laws for over 10 years, and was finally given the green-light after he promised that the meat that was used would only come from people who had donated their bodies specifically to his restaurant, knowing full well that they would be eaten.

“We have to keep meticulous records, and there is a lot of paperwork someone has to fill out before they die, and before they can be eaten,” said Dorcy. “We do pay handsomely for body donations, though, and the money can be used for anything, since funeral expenses become zero when you donate your body to be eaten.”

Dorcy says that there are plenty of dishes on the menu that do not include human meat, but those leery of the process should not order at all.

“Just like on those packages of candies with allergy warnings that say ‘the machines also are used to make items with nuts,’ our utensils are also used to cook human meat,” said Dorcy. “So don’t come in if you’re not down with what we do.”

Daycare Owner Arrested After Being Caught Taking Naps With Children

 Daycare Owner Behind Bars After Getting Caught Taking Naps With Children

 

OMAHA, Nebraska-

A local Omaha man is behind bars today, but is claiming that he did nothing wrong, and is being falsely accused of crimes he did not commit. Anthony Parks, 34, is a daycare provider in Omaha. Police arrested him early Wednesday morning after being receiving complaints by parents that he was ‘laying down’ with the children during their nap time.

Parks admitted to police that he was, in fact, taking naps with the children, but also claims he never had any un-natural motives behind laying with them.

“I’m just exhausted by the time their nap time rolls around,” Parks. “Have you ever watched after 14 3-year-olds? It’s not easy. The kids were all laying down for their nap one afternoon, and I was so run down, I just laid down with them. The nap, along with the whale noises I play from the white-noise machine I bought for the kids, really made me feel refreshed. So, I just started doing it every single day.”

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Parents of the children are outraged by Parks’ actions, and say that none of them ever thought there was anything “funky” going on.

“It’s not like we thought he was laying there to get some sort of sexual pleasure out of it, being surrounded by a dozen toddlers,” said mother Mary Lambert, whose daughter Kathy, 2, frequents the daycare. “My God, I’d almost rather he were molesting them. That would be easier to understand. Years of therapy could fix that problem. The problem that couldn’t be fixed would be one of those kids waking up and running off because they’re not being supervised.”

Parks is speaking out against the accusations, and promises parents he had the whole thing under control and would never let one of his students get hurt.

“Everyone needs a nap once in a while, and it wasn’t a big deal,” said Parks. “I’m hoping that these parents understand that I’m not a very sound sleeper, so even the slightest little noise, and I would have darted right up.”

“I just can’t believe anything he says,” said Lambert. “Honestly, we all thought he was shady from the beginning. Not very often a man owns a daycare in the first place. Plus, that bushy mustache and glasses, and the fact that he drives a windowless van with clowns and balloons painted on it, it’s a little unnerving. But frankly, the kids loved him. Now I have to tell Kathy, every time she asks where Mr. Tony is, that she can’t see him anymore because he’s been a bad boy.”

 

Dog Kills Owner After Being Forced To Lick Peanut Butter From His Groin

Dog Kills Owner After Being Forced To Lick Peanut Butter From His Groin

 

BATON ROUGE, Louisiana –

Thomas May, age 46, died early Friday morning in his Baton Rouge home. May’s death was caused by his dog, in a brutal attack that neighbors are saying they aren’t at all surprised to finally see happen.

“He would leave his dog out for hours upon hours, and personally I have never seen him feed the dog or pick up any of his droppings,” said Claire Devin, who has lived next to May for 5 years. “He has had the dog for as long as I have lived here, and I did call animal control on him several times. It appears my calls never worked because I never witnessed anyone come check his home for animal cruelty. Tom was a lonely man, he never had company, and the only time I would see him was when he would came out of his home to grab his paper, always just in his underwear.”

Police found May brutally attacked in his living room, with his pants around his ankles and peanut butter covering his groin. It appears from a DNA sample that the dog was licking the peanut butter off of May before attacking his neck and killing him.

Normally, under state law, a dog that attacks has to be put down, but a judge made an exception in the case of May’s dog, who was named Taco.

“He was going to be put down, but a local family heard the story and decided to adopt the dog. I have decided to spare the dog’s life, as it is clear he was under heavy strain and probably abuse, and that is why he attacked Thomas May,” said Judge Joe Goldsmith. “The family says that they have already bonded with Taco, and that the Chihuahua has become fast friends with their children, and their other pets.”

 

 

 

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