DE SOTO, Missouri –
Two Missouri parents were horrified to discover their babysitter had taken acid while watching their child, after they found the remains of their three-month-old child cooked in the oven.
Police Officer Dwayne Jacobs was the first on the scene, and found a “very confused” and “incoherent” babysitter lying half-conscious in the family’s living room.
Anna Doreen, the 17-year-old babysitter, claims she had bought some acid and “only took a few tabs” before she became “overly confused” and “extremely hungry.”
“I just took a few tabs because I was bored and the baby was sleeping,” she later told Officer Jacobs. “I remember that I started getting really hungry, ate some chicken wings, and passed out.”
The 3-month-old child was found in the oven, covered in barbecue sauce, and was pronounced dead at the scene.
“It appears she tried to cook him in the oven, but did not time it long enough to completely cook him. She was probably disoriented and lost consciousness moments later,” explained Sheriff deputy James Anderson of the Jefferson County Police Department. “Teeth marks were found on the baby’s arms and legs. Ms. Doreen has been taken into custody and is facing second-degree murder charges, as well as drug-related charges.”
NEW YORK CITY, New York –
Where else but New York City? A newly opened restaurant within the city limits is boasting the nation’s first license to serve human flesh on the menu. The restaurant, simply called SKIN, received a license after petitioning the state and federal governments over laws against cannibalism.
“As a species, we are at the top of the food chain, and the only meat left to tackle was other humans,” said SKIN owner Mario Dorcy, a 4-star Michelin chef. “We battled long and hard to be able to serve human meat in our restaurant, and the government finally conceded that were were in the right.”
Dorcy says that he has been fighting cannibal ordinance laws for over 10 years, and was finally given the green-light after he promised that the meat that was used would only come from people who had donated their bodies specifically to his restaurant, knowing full well that they would be eaten.
“We have to keep meticulous records, and there is a lot of paperwork someone has to fill out before they die, and before they can be eaten,” said Dorcy. “We do pay handsomely for body donations, though, and the money can be used for anything, since funeral expenses become zero when you donate your body to be eaten.”
Dorcy says that there are plenty of dishes on the menu that do not include human meat, but those leery of the process should not order at all.
“Just like on those packages of candies with allergy warnings that say ‘the machines also are used to make items with nuts,’ our utensils are also used to cook human meat,” said Dorcy. “So don’t come in if you’re not down with what we do.”
ASHFORD, Connecticut –
As many McDonald’s restaurants have closed down their old Playplace areas, leaving them vacant, the company’s new CEO, Geoff King, said that he has plans for helping customers burn off pesky, Big Mac induced weight.
“We plan to convert over 20,000 former Playplace indoor playground spaces into a new section we are calling McLite,” said King. “We want to offer full-service gyms in our locations, featuring Ronald McDonald as your coach. He will guide you in losing weight, all while still being able to enjoy delicious McDonald’s fries and shakes.”
The new McLite sections are already being remodeled in several locations in the midwest, where King says that “the fattest people” live.
“We don’t want to be the cause of obesity in this country, we want to help control it,” said King. “We have partnered with the company Planet Fitness to join into our McLite Gym sections, and we know they will help burn those calories.”
McLite Gyms will open beginning in March of 2016.
BOISE, Idaho –
A 2-month old baby was taken into police custody after reportedly killing and eating its own parents in Boise, Idaho, say police. Sources inside the investigation say they are still trying to determine how, exactly, the baby was able to kill his parents – Kathy and Michael Davidson, both 30 – and eat them without anyone hearing cries for help.
Rosie Jenkins, a neighbor, who asked not to be identified, said that she heard the baby laughing for quite a while, but she didn’t hear anyone playing with him or talking back.
“The baby’s name is Jarod,” said Ms. Jenkins. “And he always seemed like such a happy baby. I am so shocked and surprised at this turn of events, because normally a baby so happy like that doesn’t turn to violence until much, much later. And to have eaten his own parents! My God, it’s crazy. That’s the world we live in now, I guess. You never know someone until they’re being arrested.”
“This whole thing is a real mystery,” said Boise police chief Mark Hall. “I’ve been on the force over 20 years, and never have a seen a baby act this violently. The scene – the house, the tables, the walls, even the baby – they were all covered in blood and gore. It was a disaster.”
Police say that they are struggling to question the 2-month old, as of right now, Jarod doesn’t speak. They say that they plan to keep him in a holding cell until such time as he learns to talk, and then they plan to try and question him again.
ORCHARD CITY, Maine –
Everyone loves apples, especially during the fall season. The biggest concern, though, especially for the transportation and grocery industries is how to store an abundance of fresh picked apples. Engineers in Maine may have figured out a possible cure to this age-old headache.
“For years, apples were shipped in giant barrels, but they often tumbled out, causing loss or damaged products,” said Mark Jones, a GMO scientist based in Maine. “We found a way to make the apples grow to be square, which will make it much, much easier to transport and store these apples. The great thing is, they taste just as great.”
Jones said that the grocery industry is particularly interested in the product, as they often have to throw food away after it rolled to the floor.
“I’m so happy to see a new, genetically altered food like this,” said Jim Carlson, a grocery store franchisee for Kroger in Mississippi. “We constantly have to throw away damaged fruits, because we pile them up, and they roll out, or customers let them fall. This will definitely help to resolve a waste issue.”
Jone said he and his team are currently at work on making square oranges, peaches, grapes, and plums.
CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts –
In a letter to the Academy of Science, MIT scientist have proven beyond a shadow of doubt, that plants feel pain. This study will have far reaching consequences and will clearly change the way we view our world.
”What started as a classroom project for undergraduates turned into a 6 year study with over 100 experiments conducted and 7 patents on new testing equipment,” said MIT scientist Phillip Peters. “It’s a little unnerving when you are able to hear the sound of grass crying out in pain after a fresh cut. Tests prove that the pain a strawberry bush feels when a berry is picked is equal to that of a human woman miscarrying. It’s brutal.”
“This study has proven to be life changing for my students and myself,” said Dr. Jose Fresco. “Of the 10 students, now graduates from the program, that worked on the study from the start, 3 have killed themselves and 6 have become shut-ins. The 10th is missing, and is reportedly traveling through the recesses of Asia on a drug-fueled quest to find God. This discovery has ruined lives, and we were hesitant to release this information…but all those vegetarians out there need to know the true pain they’re causing.”
A sad result of the released study is that hardcore vegans all over the world are slowly starving to death. “Being a vegan is not a diet, it’s a way of life, and I will not eat or wear any animal products or eat anything that feels pain,” said Sally Myers, a self-righteous twat we talked to about her stupid way of life. “I’ve been reduced to only drinking water, but at least I will die with a clear conscience.”
HEYUAN, China –
A group of road workers in Heyuan, China unearthed a section of cement that had several fossilized dinosaur eggs in it yesterday, and reports indicate that they used the eggs as part of a giant feast and celebration they were having for completing the new section of road.
“We have been working on the road in Heyuan for many months, and we found the eggs on our last day working,” said crew supervisor Ho Lee. “We already had a large party planned for after work, with the entire crew meeting up for drinks and food. When we found the eggs, and there were 19 of them, we knew it was fate that we should eat them – as there were 19 of us working on the crew!”
Lee says that they photographed the eggs and gave several broken pieces to local researchers. The whole, unbroken eggs they took home to cook and eat.
“Mostly, they tasted like chicken when fried like a normal egg,” said Lee. “It was surprising how good they were after millions of years. We are not sure the breed of dinosaur that was inside, but if it was a T-Rex, I will be very happy!”
Heyuan has been called the “Land of the Dinosaurs,” after more than 17,000 fragments and fossils have been found in the area since 1996.