Super Bowl 50 Garners Lowest TV Ratings In Event History

PHOENIX, Arizona –

Super Bowl 50 took place on Sunday evening, and chances are, you didn’t watch it. In the 50 years of the event’s history, and in the 38 that it has been broadcast on television, Sunday’s Super Bowl event garnered the lowest ratings ever. at only 2 million viewers. Normally the event would be seen by nearly 45 million people across the country.

“Basically, we think the two teams that played just weren’t cared about enough for people to watch,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. “If the Patriots had been in the game, then people would have watched, if at least just to see them cheat and try and get away with it.”

Normally the show is a ratings powerhouse, if not for the sporting event itself, than for the commercials and halftime show.

“That, too, is dying out, because frankly, these companies release their commercials onto YouTube before the game actually happens, so people have already seen most of them,” said Joe Goldsmith, public relations manager for the NFL. “I have no idea why, since they spend 5 million-plus just to air them during the game. And don’t get me started on the halftime show. I mean, you watch men slamming into each other, rough-and-tumble, hell of a game, and then boom, halftime and we’re watching…Coldplay? I mean, who the hell books these things?”

Goodell says next year he will work hard to make sure teams people care about make it to the Super Bowl.

“Even if I have to come up with new rules or something, whatever I have to do to get real, worthwhile teams and players into the Super Bowl, I’ll do it,” said Goodell.

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –

In a surprisingly candid recent interview, Academy Award winning actress Jennifer Lawrence, best known for her role as Katniss Everdeen in the stupidly successful Hunger Games movie series, was asked about her recent break-up with Coldplay frontman Chris Martin – a question which turned the beautiful, charismatic, and young star’s face bright, blushing red.

“Chris and I had a very fun time together – we traveled, went to amusement parks, we did the things fun couples are supposed to do,” Lawrence said. “I never was a big fan of his band Coldplay, but my God, who is, right? Anyway, we met, and he is a sweet guy. A little too sweet really, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing.”

So why did such a wonderful, fun, sweet relationship come to an end? Well, despite what sounds like a picture-perfect romance, Lawrence said that there were some shortcomings in the relationship.

“Well…he didn’t quite measure up…to certain aspects as previous boyfriends, I guess you could say,” said Lawrence. The young mega-star then composed herself, took a deep breath, and said, “Chris and I didn’t work out, because he just couldn’t fulfill my needs, if you know what I mean. Actually, let me re-phrase that. Chris literally couldn’t fill my needs. At first it was kind of cute, and it didn’t bother me at all. I’m not some materialistic type chick, I never was. But eventually, I just didn’t feel like he was the right fit for me, or that maybe I was the right fit for him and, in the end, that had a lot to do with it.”

Despite the break-up, Lawrence says that she and Martin remain good friends.

“The relationship wasn’t going to be growing any time soon. In fact, I think it may have stopped growing right before puberty. But despite that, Chris and I are still happy we met, because as I said, he’s a great guy. We’re just better as friends than lovers, as is often the case these days,” said Lawrence. “He really is a wonderful human being, but I mean, you don’t sell a bajillion records if you’re not trying to overcompensating for something. Which is why there’s no way I’ll ever date Chad Kroger from Nickelback.”

Lawrence was ranked the #1 sexiest woman in the world on the FHM ‘100 Sexiest Women In the World’ list. Martin’s ex-wife, Gwyneth Paltrow, refused to comment.