New Evidence Reveals True Purpose of Great Wall Of China

Posted on November 19, 2014 by Abe Abrams

BEIJING, China –

Researchers have uncovered new evidence revealing the true purpose of the Great Wall of China. Built largely by the Ming Dynasty, long-standing belief has always been that it was built to keep out invading Mongols hordes.

“Started in the 7th century, and finished by the Ming Dynasty, the Great Wall of China has had many different theories as to what was its true purpose. As many as one million people died in its construction, and their remains became part of the wall,” said Archaeologist Richard Reginald. “Through DNA testing of bones found in the wall, and analysis of artifacts found in the wall, we believe that we have finally identified the true purpose of the wall.”

According to Reginald, DNA analysis of bones in the wall prove that the workers were of non-Chinese ethnicity. “The only conclusion,” said Reginald, “is that the Great Wall of China was built by cheap Mexican labor for the sole purpose of keeping out Mexicans and other ‘unwanteds.'”

”See I was right, I’ve been saying this all along, what we need is a great wall of America,” said Senator Ted Cruz upon hearing the news. “It worked for the Chinese, obviously – there isn’t a damn Mexican in China, that’s for sure. It can work for us. We can the get the illegals to build it cheap, and when it’s done, we will throw them a big party and say ‘Congratulations, Amigos, how’s it look on the Mexico side?’ and when they go look, we slam the gate on them! It’s ideas like this that will make me a perfect candidate to be the next President.”

Snuggie Inventor Dies After Being Suffocated By Product That Made Him Millions

Posted on September 29, 2014 by JP

SAN FRANSISCO, California –

The creator of the Snuggie, the most well-known ‘blanket with sleeves’ on the market today, was found dead Monday afternoon from presumed suffocation in his sleep. Scott Boilens’ body was discovered by a member of his cleaning staff at his home in San Francisco.

The staff member claims she went to do a simple sweep and dusting of the room, and when she began to make the bed she had realized there was a body still wrapped within the blankets.

“I just thought it was a pile of them ugly Snuggie things, you know?” said Carlotta Valdez, the cleaning lady who discovered Boilens’ body. “There are normally tons of those things piled all over the place. Leftovers, I guess, since ain’t nobody buying that cheap sleeve-blanket crap no more.”

When police arrived on the scene they declared Boilen dead, apparently strangled by the sleeve of a nearby Snuggie. The one that Boilen was wearing was in perfect, albeit stupid, condition. An autopsy report is still pending.

“In my many years of police work, I have seen a few people suffocate in their sleep, but most of the time it is due to vomiting after a night of binge drinking or excessive drug use. This one is new to us, and just a tad ironic, I suppose,” said police captain Joe Goldsmith.

Along with being the inventor the famous ‘blanket with sleeves’, Boilen was also the CEO of the company Allstar Products, and had a reported net worth of $200 million dollars, most of which was tied up in Snuggie merchandise and memorabilia.

Allstar Products was quick to point out in a statement that the Snuggies are extremely safe, and that this is the first instance where someone had been injured due to their product, with the exception of any person who has worn it in public, to which case they assume that the person’s self-esteem was severely damaged. They of course expressed their sympathies to the Boilen family.

“We know that the Snuggie was a hot item at one point a few years ago, right after it ripped off the Slanket and went to market. Now, as the winter months come upon us, more and more people might dig out their Snuggies from whatever rock they no doubt threw them under, and try to stay warm and enjoy some Netflix,” said Goldsmith.

“I have to admit myself that they are very cozy, even if they are the kitschiest thing I’ve ever seen next to the Pet Rock. That being said, you need to be careful when wearing any long, loose-fitting items when going to bed – and that includes kimonos, karate gis, or Ghostface Halloween costumes,” continued Goldsmith. “Ironically, if Mr. Boilen had chosen a loose blanket with no sleeves, he would probably still be alive today. Cold, I’m sure, but alive.”

Body Found Under Motel Bed, Police Say It Has Been There At Least 5 Years

Posted on July 24, 2014 by JP

MOUNT LAUREL, New Jersey –

Stunning news this morning out of New Jersey, as reports of police discovering the body of a young woman under a motel bed have been confirmed. The owners of the motel asked that their name and location be omitted from news reports to protect their business.

The body, which has yet to be identified, was found by a person staying in the room.

“I dropped the television remote, and when I went to check under the bed I found her. It was like something out of a scary movie,” said Aaron Silver, the man staying in the room.

According to initial reports by the medical examiner on-scene, it appears as though the body lay undisturbed in the room for about 5 years. There was a normal amount of rot and decay on the body to suggest that it had not been moved or touched over the course of that time.

The motel has not made a comment about the issue but have told police that they are constantly cleaning their rooms and have no idea how this could have slipped beneath the cracks.

“I clean that room every day. I noticed a smell several times, and told my manager,” said Anita Rodriguez, a housekeeper at the motel. “He told me to just use extra Febreeze in the room and it would go away eventually. I always hated cleaning that room.”

Motel representatives say that all their rooms are cleaned daily, but that it is not the policy of the company to make their housekeepers check under the beds.

“They do a heavy clean of the rooms to sanitize for guests, but when it comes to under the beds, they just run the vacuum around the edges. Who really looks under the bed, anyway? No reason to waste anyone’s time,” said Charles Dyson, a representative of the motel chain.

“It’s the most bizarre thing I’ve ever seen,” said police chief Joe Goldsmith. “I’ve seen a lot of strange things in my time on the force, but to think about all the people who’ve stayed in this room, with a dead body beneath them, and they didn’t know about it? It gives me the heebie-jeebies.”

Police have seized room and occupant records for the last several years, and are trying to trace the person or persons who may have stayed in the room around the time of death.

“Funny thing is, the records also show literally almost 1,000 complaints from people who stayed in the room over the years. Everything from a bad smell to an ‘eerie feeling.’ Several people even asked to switch rooms in the middle of the night,” said Goldsmith. “The motel really should have checked out that room a little more closely.”

The body of the young woman is set for autopsy at the end of the week.