WASHINGTON, D.C. –
It appears Big-Pharma has gotten into bed with Big-Tobacco, as plans emerge for a new line of prescription only, non-nicotine e-cigarettes. Instead of popping Prozac pills with their morning coffee, depression and anxiety sufferers may be able to choose an antidepressant that works like an e-cigarette.
Denise Richards, of the manufacturer E-Relax, explains the benefits. “The water vapor delivery system helps satisfy oral-fixation, while delivering low doses of medicine that you can control. Stressful meeting at work? Puff some relief at your desk,” she said. “Both our companies are big supporters of the Health Care Act. Americans are unhappy, but now they’re insured!”
When asked why their prescription drug company would partner with a tobacco company, she replied, “Well, they’ve been pushing legal drugs forever now. They know how to acquire a loyal lifelong customer.”
A representative for Phillip-Morris, the largest manufacturer of tobacco products, said that things are taking a turn for the worse in the world of cigarettes, and that they needed to be prepared.
“As a company, we have to face the fact that tobacco is going to be illegal someday. They’re legalizing weed in all these states all the time, and our lousy tobacco cigarettes can’t hold a candle to smoking a marijuana cigarette,” said Jim Rogers, cigarette lobbyist. “People are switching in droves. Obviously, our brand is dying. We can’t advertise on TV or radio anymore. Next will be magazines, I’m sure. Hell, We can’t even sell to children anymore!”
“Plus, we were never able to get into the safe cigarette market, since making a ‘safe alternative’ would be admitting cigarettes were harmful,” said Peter Jacobs, a health expert working for Phillip-Morris. “We had to protect our own asses. We once tried making a nicotine-free version of a cigarette, but seriously, that’s like decaf coffee – people will still drink it, but why’s the point?”
“Slinging antidepressants will allow us to break into that juicy, angsty-teen market,” explained Rogers. “Now they can look cool while taking their medicine. We eventually hope to expand the line to include ADHD medication, which we know would make us a boatload of cash with the kids.”
79-year-old Myles Martin says, “I love the idea. I used to be a smoker, and I miss it sometimes. I need my depression meds, but now I can just smoke it, and relive my glory days. I hope they make it for my E.D., next. There’s nothin’ sexy about poppin’ my little blue pill in the same manner as my blood thinner, but every woman will be turned on if I’m taking puffs off an e-cig.”